Hello, I'm new. I have a disturbing thought :(

Hello, I'm new here. I'm terrified that in the past I may have read erotic fiction that may have been illegal. I remember reading fiction stories about legal normal things but my mind said what if I read bad stuff and then liked it and even touched myself to it? I would despise anything like that now but I think what if I thought differently in the past? It worries me when I am turned on I might like bad things. I don't even know if Google search engine would have any illegal fiction, I really hope they wouldn't. Does Google check for that and delete it does anybody know, like they would do for images etc? I know I should just sit with it and not seek reassurance and not check etc. I won't check but I don't understand how I can just carry on my life when I may have read something bad. That would make me evil and not deserving of a life.  

introvertedone wrote:I won't check but I don't understand how I can just carry on my life when I may have read something bad. That would make me evil and not deserving of a life.  

Why would that make you evil? It's not like you make a habit out of seeking out illegal content; and for that matter, I've never heard of stories being illegal; merely images. I'm sure plenty of people read erotic fiction, that they have absolutely no urge to act out/upon themselves.

Hi, thanks for your reply. Well if the stories are about somebody underage or incest or rape etc then they are illegal.

introvertedone wrote:Hi, thanks for your reply. Well if the stories are about somebody underage or incest or rape etc then they are illegal.

Perhaps where you are- but not everywhere, as long as it is confined to the written word. I would look that up- while the morality of reading such stories can be argued (I prefer not to read such stories), that is not the point I'm making at the moment- merely that you could be worrying, over nothing. And in any event, I would not worry, anyway- it's done. Don't do it again. There, solved. If you read something that you think is bad, now- not saying it's not bad, just saying it's your perspective that is what counts, here, for this singular argument- and touched yourself, well, you were reading something sexual, therefore, you responded sexually- doesn't mean you want to do that in the real world, or that you even want to read such stories again. Since you obviously don't want to do that again, and you can't change what you did in the past, then there's no point in obsessing over it, is there? It's did. Don't do it, again. Not to check, not anything. Just stay away from them.

Thanks for your reply. Well I don't know if I did it or it's a false memory. All I know is that I have read erotic fiction before but can't remember what it was about

I understand how hard it is, to not worry about it- it has to be a conscious decision to not worry. I deal with intrusive harm thoughts, and that is how I (mostly) control them- it's a conscious decision to worry about something only if that terrible thing comes true, and not before. You are not evil, until you actually do something evil- and I mean seriously evil, I don't mean reading an erotic story. Until then, stay away from anything that makes you uncomfortable, and make a conscious decision to not worry. It's easy, and hard- meaning it's not complicated. Do, or do not- there is no try. But at the same time, it's hard to do, and doesn't feel as if you're accomplishing anything for a while. Like many things, it simply takes practice, and you learn by doing. I can shut out intrusive harm thoughts a lot easier, only because I stuck with practicing not giving a rat's ass, when I'd get one.