Checking desensitization

Has anyone else reached the point where they have checked and re-checked the subjects of their obsessions so many times that your brain can no longer tell whether the thing you are checking is the way it is supposed to be or not?

That is some confusing wording, so here's an example - I have reached the point where I can be looking at the knob that controls the oven and can't even tell if it is turned on or not _as I am looking directly at it_. I've heard of and experienced not _believing_ that everything was fine when you last checked - even it only a second ago - but this is just absolutely insane and completely debilitating.

Am I the only one? What the heck are you supposed to DO when you reach this point?

Junkis wrote:Has anyone else reached the point where they have checked and re-checked the subjects of their obsessions so many times that your brain can no longer tell whether the thing you are checking is the way it is supposed to be or not?

Just about everyone who posts here, especially about sexual OCD fears.

Junkis wrote:That is some confusing wording

To a Non, maybe. To us? No, not at all confusing.

Junkis wrote:here's an example - I have reached the point where I can be looking at the knob that controls the oven and can't even tell if it is turned on or not _as I am looking directly at it_. I've heard of and experienced not _believing_ that everything was fine when you last checked - even it only a second ago - but this is just absolutely insane and completely debilitating.

Hmm. Okay for me it'd be the gas heater in the room I'm sitting in. I.... can stare at it- I see it's off. But I don't believe it's really off. My eyes see 'off', but it doesn't feel off. I stuck my HAND in it. My hand isn't burned off. But is it really off? I want/have/need to FEEL it. I don't mean feel the heat, I mean feel the knob as it feels like when it's turned off. Get inside it. I mean like, if I could, sometimes I think I'd crawl inside it and become it, so I could feel- know- that it's off. I want to BE the knob. Or the electric heater plug. Same thing with it.

Is that... close to what you are describing?

But yes with the sexual OCD fears so many people just get so jumbled up that up is down, left is right, and diagonal is triangular. So yes what you said isn't confusing at all, we all are guilty of that, especially the sexual OCD sufferers that post here. OCD is OCD is OCD, no matter what the theme. But sexual sufferers feel it the worst of us all, so that's the example I run to. An oven is, objectively, either on, or off. Sexuality, is fuzzy as heck for Normies, much less people who want to dissect every thought they have, like a high school biology frog.

Well, what I do with, say that heater knob, is I allow myself only so many checks, and then I make myself walk away, and if the house burns down, it burns down. The End. Otherwise, you will never let it go. And we have to.. let it go.

Hmm. Okay for me it'd be the gas heater in the room I'm sitting in. I.... can stare at it- I see it's off. But I don't believe it's really off. My eyes see 'off', but it doesn't feel off. I stuck my HAND in it. My hand isn't burned off. But is it really off? I want/have/need to FEEL it. I don't mean feel the heat, I mean feel the knob as it feels like when it's turned off. Get inside it. I mean like, if I could, sometimes I think I'd crawl inside it and become it, so I could feel- know- that it's off. I want to BE the knob. Or the electric heater plug. Same thing with it.

Is that... close to what you are describing?

Holy cow, Snaga. That is exactly it. Or maybe the oven is on, but to such a slight degree that it's not warm enough to feel the heat when I stick my hand in, but still hot enough that if left that way the entire day it could still start a fire.

I also constantly think that I might have brushed up against it or played with it after doing the check, then forgotten that I did so - another reason I have to go back and check.

Well, what I do with, say that heater knob, is I allow myself only so many checks, and then I make myself walk away, and if the house burns down, it burns down. The End. Otherwise, you will never let it go. And we have to.. let it go.

This is also exactly what I have been trying to do. As you know, it is hard and terrifying.

Another strategy that seems to be working somewhat for me is to basically try to emulate my old self pre-OCD by just not really caring. Of course this is not easy either, but it helps to mitigate the anxiety caused by not checking as many times so I can just get on with and survive the day when I'm able to pull it off. Its a risky strategy for sure, as a huge part of the reason I developed checking ocd in the first place was that my old carelessness resulted in some legitimate disasters or near-disasters (for example I have actually bumped the stove burners in my apartment and turned them on without realizing it and didn't notice until I smelled hot metal or, in one case, saw the burner covers I had at the time start turning black in front of my eyes).

I also know that the way to get over the OCD is to bathe yourself in the fear rather than trick yourself into not feeling it, so again, not sure if this is a good approach, but I'm finding it's the best happy medium to balance my need to somewhat face the fear while also being able to get on with my life.

I don't really care to bathe in fear. Not caring is my usual thing- it is a conscious decision, born of necessity, since I have had harm OCD intrusive thoughts for decades. It took a few of those decades to realise it was as simple as Not Caring. Instead of.. avoiding triggers. Not caring, keeps the anxiety of actually doing what the intrusive thoughts say I'll do, manageable. And greatly decreased the intensity and frequency of having to deal with them.

I'm likely ADD. And, it doesn't help we may be some sort of dissociative disorder, probably OSDD1b, however, if anything- which means shared memories without (too many, but they are there) gaps. Thank God for that, assuming it actually exists and isn't merely me being inexplicably facetious.
If I had to deal with the knowledge of missing large gaps of memory (I suspect I blank out for small moments but not large gaps, mostly), then I should be afraid to move a muscle- which I sometimes feel on the edges of my psyche, already, anyway. And whack down, when the temptation arises.

I... by an instinct of self-preservation, assiduously do not dwell on the possibility of doing something disastrous while dissociating, and walk on faith, that no possible maybe alts would do anything careless or malicious. Having harm OCD, I can't afford to let my brain go there, so I don't.

My hardest thing is did I hit that real/imagined pedestrian/bicyclist/etc. That..... is very, very hard for me to drive on and not go back to find that invisible victim that exists in my head. Because of the attention problems, and the fact that I'm not always the one driving, especially when I'm alone- usually one alt or another is. So 'I' am not in control, and... that is very... difficult to deal with, on occasion, and has caused more than one internal argument.

It is impressive that you are able to manage OCD at all while also wrestling with identity dissociation issues. I won't pretend to understand that, though I am somewhat familiar with dissociative disorders having had a friend years ago who had DID. Actually, she may have been acting - that is not entirely clear and I will never know for sure. But I did some reading about it at the time.

I can relate the the ADD aspect of it though. I think that's half of the battle, really, and the reason I was careless in the past and am failing so badly at keeping everything straight now. It's hard to convince myself that I did, in fact, have the sink turned off or the car in park before I proceeded with my day when I can't focus on my observations of the sink or gear shifter enough to commit them to memory.

What is it like trying to juggle OCD and OSDD simultaneously?

Junkis wrote: Actually, she may have been acting - that is not entirely clear and I will never know for sure.

I think most of the people with DID/OSDD are not acting. Having said that, I could be acting. Not consciously, or for attention- I'm very reticent about posting about possible alts, because I'm an admin and hold myself to a higher standard for my behaviour than if I were an ordinary member. And I sure try to act 'normal' in front of others- although sometimes I can scarcely see how someone couldn't see I'm behaving queerly. But then it's my understanding that self-doubts are very common.

Still yes ofc I could also be acting- it could be some sort of covert facetious thing, it could be wishful thinking gone out of control (related to gender issues), it could be delusion, it could be that I'm actually BPD and don't have mere 'traits' as I believe myself to have. It could, I imagine, be all sorts of things, in the absence of a professional opinion, and I am thusly not unmovable in my opinion of myself, if proofs are presented that it's not OSDD. That's only what fits at the moment.

Junkis wrote:I can relate the the ADD aspect of it though. I think that's half of the battle, really, and the reason I was careless in the past and am failing so badly at keeping everything straight now.

Sucks being both. And at my last employment I would compensate so hard, for my attention/possible dissociative problems that I would get what can only be described as borderline OCPD. I was not easy to work with, sometimes. Things had to be perfect.

Junkis wrote:What is it like trying to juggle OCD and OSDD simultaneously?

Well if it is OSDD1b, that is personalities that are more than vague mood states, such as OSDD1a, but they generally share memories. So I don't often find myself with items that I don't know where they came from, or wearing clothes I don't remember putting on, or find myself in the company of strangers who know me, or wonder why I got wherever I am. I do find I miss details, however. I'm forever being told that I was told something, when I have no recollection of it. And I will miss small chunks of time, but usually not large ones (although that has rarely happened- that I know of- I mean, there's times people don't know they don't remember)

Juggle it? Meh I do not allow my mind to dwell on all the lovely possibilities anxiety offers, if I'm not always exactly 'me'. I have had harm OCD for nearly ever, and if I let my brain go there, I'm sure I could live paralyzed that an alt will do something horrible. So I don't let my brain go there. There are plenty of areas my anxiety is not controllable, but where it is, I keep my brain firmly in check. I have an angry alt- well, a couple of them but one of them is really and truly angry- but that's his job, to be angry- lashing out isn't a 'thing', in fact he helps to keep the temper in check- I have a quick temper and can use the help. Until I had that reassurance, I... had to work to keep myself from dwelling on the idea of him doing something terrible- fortunately, it's said even (probably especially) with full DID, people with alts are much more likely to be victims, than perpetrators. Not fortunate for the victims, but you understand what I mean- I allow myself to rest easy that I'm not going to appear in tomorrow's news.

But we're getting off topic- this is your thread.

Junkis wrote: also constantly think that I might have brushed up against it or played with it after doing the check, then forgotten that I did so - another reason I have to go back and check.

*laughs*

Gas heater again. Okay it's off. I hit the piezo igniter to see the spark, make sure it doesn't ignite. Well I've TOUCHED IT. If I touch it, it's on again. So I have to start over.

I've gotten to where, in the case of appliances that I cannot tear myself away from, I will take a photo of it to reassure myself that it is, in fact, Off. Every now and then I'll clear them out of my phone/cloud. They pile up.

At work sometimes I would work a shift that shut down for holiday- the longer the period of time we were going to be shut down, the harder it would be for me to leave my area- I had to check and double check everything, make sure the machines were off- including heated tools- so we're back to fire again, like your oven and my heater. More than once, I wanted nothing more than to pull up a chair, and sit next to the machines- for even a whole week- just to watch them. Hundreds of people have already gone home, and I walk out last, because I couldn't stand taking my eyes off everything. Because the moment I'm not looking at something, it's back in an unsafe state. Unsafe, in my mind, anyway.