POCD and weird movements

Hello,

So, first of all I have textbook OCD worries. I've been through Harm-OCD, Real Event OCD, POCD, Zoophilia OCD, Incest OCD... pretty much everything there is, so you can imagine how exhausted I've been feeling for the past couple of weeks. My POCD has always been pretty bad but got better recently, because I realized there is no symptom that I have that couldn't be explained by POCD and deep down I knew I wasn't interested in children. But then yesterday something happened and now I'm back to being worried again.

I was ruminating about whether or not I liked a photo I saw in a youtube video. Wondering if there's anything I found sexually attractive about it. But I know I don’t like it, it just made me anxious because of my POCD. But I still had to ruminate as a compulsion. Anyway, I was sitting on a chair and my hand was resting at my crotch area… and suddenly I moved it a little, I don’t know why, but it’s killing me. I even did it another time, no idea if it was because I liked the sensation or if I was already in OCD testing mode, but I freaked out when I realized what thoughts I was having a moment ago. I don’t know if it was just a coincidental movement or if I actually caressed my crotch area to these thoughts. I know I would never do that purposefully, there’s nothing about the picture that would make me want to masturbate! But I’m scared that one part of me found the picture sexually attractive and my hand “acted” on it by itself. Maybe it was just because I had groinal responses and because I was lost in thoughts I had the impulse to get rid of them for a second without realizing it… but I’m not sure if that makes it better, with those thoughts in my head. And I didn't have any fantasies or anything, just the photo in my head and wondering whether or not I liked it. So I don’t even know if I had that much groinal responses, and even less of a reason to masturbate… no idea why my hand did that movement, even more than once, while I was elsewhere with my thoughts. I feel so weird. I feel like it could be just coincidence followed by my OCD mind immediately wanting to test the action again, or liking the sensation and being distracted from the thoughts for a moment, or if the movement was due to my anxiety (I sometimes poke/squish parts of my body as a form of stress relief)... but it feels like I'm just making up excuses... it feels like my body knows more than I do...

Can this still be OCD? Or is it proof I'm a p? Does this count as masturbating/touching myself to this photo...? (To be clear, I didn't touch my vagina, but the area below my belly button (but near my vagina), and it was more like a light poke/scratch. But it still feels very weird, and I'm scared it counts as a sexual touch because it was close to my vagina.)

Please... can anyone help me? This is tearing me apart.

Hello and welcome!

I... seriously doubt you were masturbating.

This brings up an interesting topic? Is it just a guy thing to, when you're not in mixed company, to find your hand 'down there' without thinking about it, or actively masturbating? Or I'm just just a perv?

I think when alone or in intimate company it's not... unknown to find that your hand has been somewhere that would be wildly inappropriate in front of 'polite company'. Without realising it. And has nothing to do with your thoughts/what you're watching. I've never really worried about it, other than to be sure I'm not touching myself in front of others, as if I were a toddler.

Thank you for your reply. Yes, I'm definitely guilty of doing that too... I don't even realise it, usually.

I'm feeling a bit better about what happened yesterday, but now it feels like I developed a weird checking compulsion that is tensing my muscles "down there" (on purpose) when I get intrusive POCD related images. Like, testing to see if it feels good doing that to these images, even though it obviously only gives me anxiety. But doesn't this (tensing muscles) count as a form of sexual stimulation/masturbation too? I feel like a really gross person for doing this to these kind of intrusive images... I know it has to do with OCD in this case, and it feels like a compulsion I don't have much control over, but does OCD excuse doing gross stuff like this?

Try not to check. Physical stimulation is physical stimulation, and doing it to 'check', and the the resulting sensations (because it's physical stimulation) is just going to mess with you.

Sigh... I know I shouldn't check. This entire thing is just really messing with my brain.

Actually, I'm scared it wasn't just a testing compulsion. What it it’s just a reaction to the “arousal”? Sometimes when I have lots of intrusive thoughts and groinal responses it actually starts feeling like I need to get rid of the tension (I think it’s the result of having sex-related thoughts for too long). Some times I ignore it, other times I use adult erotica/fantasies to get off to, so these sensations are gone. So I’m worried my body might have just given in to the arousal by tensing my muscles down there, despite these images in my head, and I let it happen for a moment even though I noticed it. I know I couldn’t “actively” masturbate to these thoughts, I would be too grossed out. These images aren’t “mentally” arousing to me at all. But I can’t rule out that for a moment, I wouldn’t act on the tension down there if it got too strong. Even if I’m not a p, to think that I would do something like that to these gruesome thoughts… ugh, I would feel like such a gross person :/ I know I shouldn’t be seeking reassurance, but I’m just feeling horrible… it feels like I’m a gross person that doesn’t mind getting off to POCD thoughts if the groinal responses get too strong… I just want to cry.

To a certain extent, thoughts are just thoughts- especially if they're nothing you'd ever do in real life. Ofc I have OCD too, so I don't make uncomfortable taboo thoughts a habit- I've been very lucky in avoiding POCD but it nips at my heels sometimes, trying to pull me in- but I'm not going to stress over the occasional grossly taboo thought. I know I'm no pedo, and that is the end of it and allow OCD no foothold. Thoughts, are just thoughts.

Sometimes fantasy is completely separated from real-world desires. I have created elaborate internal worlds where I am victim to things I'd not hesitate to shoot you for trying to do to me in real life. Fantasies... are NOT a reliable indicator of anything.

Best thing to do is DON'T check.

I'm a believer in habituating oneself to a type of porn/fantasy that's not part of your core being. I've heard, for example, of straight men being addicted to gay porn. As a bisexual, I don't understand that AT ALL. But they say it happens. Now, someone with OCD is going to go crazy if they get hooked on images/thoughts that still don't reflect their core being, but, like Pavlov's dog, they've trained their body to repsond to.

Say there was GOCD. Giraffe sex OCD. Well, I do think if someone fapped enough to photos of giraffes, eventually the libido's going to associate photos of giraffes (not real giraffes, only the giraffe in your head) with orgasm. Then what is your OCD going to say? OMG I wanna have sex with a giraffe!! (no, you've just habituated yourself into getting off on photos of those sexy long necks, because you kept checking, and kept checking).

Ditto any kind of 'checking' that I hear of in these forums. Don't check. Just.. don't check. Don't check, don't overthink, don't stress the thoughts that just come and go. We're sexual beings, sexual thoughts/images, even of things that we would never do in the real world, can evoke a physical response and OCD is going to gobble that up like candy filled with crack.