Acting on thought or compulsion..? Scared of the future.

A few years ago I was obsessing whether there was illegal images of minors on the regular internet..?
One day I was having a really bad time whilst I was on the computer doing whatever I was doing at the time, and the question of is there images etc on google and are they easily accessible and so on kept going around in my mind and driving me nuts. I then snapped, I said...'argghhhh, if I type it in and then there is nothing will you just go away and stop..?' and that's what I did, actually I typed something a bit more specific than 'cp' in a hope that it would shut my mind up once and for all, as it turns out there is nothing of that sort on the regular internet (thankfully). That fear has now gone, but I have felt guilt about it for the last few years.. I have read that actually typing 'cp' or something similar into a search engine is not actually illegal... it's the viewing/clicking/downloading and so on that is the criminal activity..? Some may say well that's okay then as you haven't done anything wrong, but to me that's not the point it's partially the moral aspect of it, but the one that's really killing me is the feeling that I 'acted on' an intrusive thought..? I have read of others that have suffered with pocd that have typed similar things into a search engine in an attempt to check their reactions etc... but in my mind this was different.. I wasn't checking, I have suffered with pocd previously but by this time I knew that I wasn't attracted to children and had no reason to 'check' my reactions should I see anything like that, in my mind this was me 'giving in' and acting on a thought in the hope that it would go away. I have tried to rationalise this incident, saying to myself that this was a compulsion of some sort possibly, or that this is different to 'acting on a though of say going out and actually stabbing or raping somebody for example'..? due to the action I carried out not actually harming anybody... (I am aware that viewing illegal images of minors does indirectly harm them as you would be contributing toward the site/hosts of the images, just thought I would add this in case anybody that may read this felt the need to make the point)... but I didn't see anything and wouldn't click on it even if I did as I have no interest In stuff like that, it abhors me. Time after time after time you read that people with ocd NEVER act on the intrusive thoughts.... well what was this then..? I have read on ocd forums of sufferers acting on their thoughts in 'little ways' (their words) such as touching the dogs genitals for a second... or something like that..? basically something that yes, is an intrusive thought, but ultimately isn't hurting anybody... possibly, maybe.. am I right or wrong there... I dont know..?? and I am trying to put my incident into that category... maybe I'm just p***ing into the wind.. again I dont know. Anyway, I'm worried that this says I have something more than ocd, and that I could be potentially dangerous in the future.

Sounds like a compulsion, to me.

Thanks for your reply Snaga.. would you have any advice or info as to why this may be more of a compulsion thing rather than an 'acting on' thing...? Totally understand if you dont, but would be extremely grateful if so.

I don't know- but it doesn't seem as if you wanted to fap to CP. ow many people with HOCD check with gay porn? Lots. Ditto looking at (usually legal) photos of underage to check. The harm OCD analogy only goes so far, when you're talking about something you can just sit at a computer and do without directly harming anyone.

Indeed, it was definitely nothing to do with any personal gratification of any sort... that's disgusting.. it was basically my attempt to shut my mind up. (Didn't work, the fear just dissipated naturally in time). Sorry, I'm a little confused as to your take on the indirect harm part of your reply.. are you saying that when I state that I thought I was 'not harming anybody' that my thinking was wrong...? or is it the part where I state that 'viewing these things is actually contributing and harming in an indirect way'..? Sorry Snaga, hope I'm not grilling you too much..? Basically, I am worried that if this was indeed me acting on thoughts, then in my mind it may be an indication of me 'actually acting on thoughts' in the future, as I still suffer from various violent and offensive thoughts.

You didn't even look at CP, you just did a search engine. So how is that even indirectly hurting someone?

Using the argument that looking at porn props up the exploitation of others.

But you didn't look at pictures. So... absolutely no harm to anyone, anywhere.

And yes I understand the worry- that you won't be able to help yourself if you get the urge. but... if you were a pedo, you'd have had plenty of time already, to act on urges, and you would have had them in spades, with no doubt whatsoever. The heart (or naughty bits, whatever) wants, what it wants. We're bisexual. In a male body so that means we want dick- the heart wants, what it wants- doesn't matter how much we don't want to want it, we bloody well want it, and we bloody well know it, and there's no rumination over is we, or isn't we, and no compulsion to 'check'. If we go look at gay porn, it's because we want to go look at gay porn.

So... you had a compulsion, because if this was genuine pedophilia it'd bug you and bug you and you simply wouldn't care, sweetie. You'd want it bad. Worrying you might want it, isn't the same. Worrying that you might not be able to help yourself, isn't the same- we have harm OCD and we can, if we let ourselves, worry endlessly about just how easy it would be to kill someone close to us- because that's the usual target of harm OCD fears, it's rather mundane and common, actually- even though it feels as if you're going insane and you're worried you're going to be in tomorrow's newspaper someday. Well, no. Worrying that I won't be able to help myself, is stupid, on the face of it, when I stop to think hmm, I've had harm OCD intrusive thoughts about killing pets or family for.... 45 years. And I don't seem to have done it! Maybe... because I'm not really that kind of person.

If you needed in your core being, to have kids for sexual gratification, you'd have known it by now. Because you'd not be able to run away from it, and it would overcome any worry or wish that you weren't- you'd KNOW you were. I don't want to be bisexual- but at the same time if you tried to take that away from me (let's say you had a magic pill) I'd rip your arm off, because it's a part of my core being.

We can't discuss paras here in PF- the moment I feel as if someone really wants that pedophilia, the thread gets locked. And that happens... I think once, since Paraphilias forum was closed. maybe twice. I'm sorry I just don't get pedo vibes from 99% of the folks who post in OCD. It screams OCD because it's like when we have an OCD fear we set that up as the Worst Thing In The World. In the Paras forum, you had pedophiles that hated it, knew it was morally wrong, but they knew exactly what they were. You had some that argued for changing age of consent laws (which I found I had to steer clear of because it.... made us ill-tempered). You had some that simply wanted help in not breaking the law. You didn't have people posting, like over here in OCD. If you were, you'd surely really know down deep inside. Just like we know we're Bi. Down, deep.

If you were gonna do it, sweetie? You'd have done it. Repeatedly, and not to 'check'. And you'd have come to PF wanting to talk about it, and your very first post would have been disapproved with an apology that we don't allow that, anymore.

I think you had it right- ' the fear just dissipated naturally in time'. If we can sit on our OCD long enough and not feed it with rumination or compulsions, it gets bored (or starved) and fades back into the background. It never goes away- but you can learn to keep it hungry and not so strong you're always scared that you're a monster.

Thanks for taking the time to write such a detailed reply, much appreciated. I understand what you mean about the amount of posts worrying about potentially being a pedo, but when you read them is comes across as definitely not that way in most cases and more probably ocd. I totally agree with you when you state that if somebody was that way then they would know it for certain, and they would have known it for a long time... there wouldn't be and worrying about what if, they would know it for sure, they mightn't like the fact, but they would know it.
I know that I am not a paedophile, never have been, and I knew that I wasn't a paedophile when I did that internet search... it wasn't checking or testing in the way that individuals that are worried that they could be that way sometimes do... I have no need to do that. At the time I was obsessing about whether there was illegal stuff actually on Google in the search results if you typed it in... it was never about wanting to see it, or about worrying whether I would be aroused by such things... it was simply whether that stuff was easily accessible and prolific on the everyday internet that 99% of the world uses, probably sounds really daft to anybody else..? I hope it was as you say some sort of compulsion, and thanks again for your time and advice. All the best.