Is it a TOCD flareup or am I trans?

Heya buddy, I can relate so much.

Even with the working out and wanting a muscly boy and then being worried if I'm just overcompensating for being trans, I do desire some nice big strong muscles though. I can't work out anymore anyway due to poor health but when I did I dealt with these kinds of thoughts in relation to the TOCD.

My story is quite similar to yours in a lot of ways as I am gay and I guess I am not really the manliest person and then I'm worried the non-manly things about me are signs of being a transsexual. I really hope they are not though.

I have some issues around being gay at times and wish I could have been straight so I could have had a wife and kids and be normal but that just isn't me, I am attracted to men.

But then the thoughts still confuse me and say maybe I want to be straight so I am a woman if I was trans but I think my true desire is not for that. I don't want to be a woman.

I want to just stay as a guy but TOCD is destroying me.

Sorry to hear about your family situation bro, my family is a bit more open about it which hopes.

I just wish I had never told them I thought I was trans once, I even publically declared it on my Facebook when the trans ocd thoughts were really high and I believed them. I wrote a post saying I was confused and thought I could be trans.

Just be you bro, you don't need to wear rainbows or dress feminine to be gay, you can just be you.

I also get the POCD too and worry I am a trans paedophile at times haha, they've both gone on for so long that maybe they're both true and that is terrifying.

It seems we have had similar themes.

For me, also the TOCD thoughts started after I came out as gay so then I was scared it was another layer of my true self being revealed, I really hope not though.

After I came out as bi I did actually feel like I was at peace with myself for a bit but then OCD took over my life in the forms of TOCD and POCD mainly and also incest OCD at times.

I wish you luck in your OCD recovery bro as TOCD is a nasty vile affliction.

A new concern now is that I'm only acting critical of trans ideology because I am in denial about being closeted.

But shouldn't it be obvious I don't want to do any of this? I would rather just be my normal gay male self. I don't think I turned self loathing into hatred or something.

'trans ideology'

What is that? If you mean this political push to define anything as trans; then I'd agree with you. It's patently absurd, And I am just barely this side of being trans. Doesn't mean you're closeted.

Hi, so, I wanted to give an update.

I went through some health anxiety recently for what I believe to be carpal tunnel syndrome and some nerve compression issues in my lower back. But for almost two months I was convinced I had a horrible disease and went through all sorts of tests through urgent care clinics. After worrying for an entire Saturday about test results, I checked myself into an emergency room the next Sunday morning for exhaustion and stress. They gave me a sedative and I went home.

All the tests I worried about so much came back negative x thankfully. But I went back to my doctor to report all of this and he prescribed me Celexa which I've been taking in the morning for almost a week.

I may also note that due to my sleep issues I haven't had any coffee for almost a week, too. I've had a headache every day but eventually it fades.

I was supposed to go on vacation to Florida, but during the bus ride to the airport, I got a panic attack and broke out in sweats. At the baggage check I asked to have my temperature checked and they got leery and gave me a travel credit good through 2022.

Then, last night, I was reading about the new Kanye West album, which is heavily religious, and while listening to it I got scared I was going to be "converted." I stopped listening and kept reading the forum thread about the album when someone posted a picture of some hands raised up towards a cross in the sky over a sunrise. For some reason, in my headache addled state, I got disturbed by the picture.

I don't want to spend my week off worrying about why I got upset over this picture and the Kanye album. I am not really a religious person and indeed I've had some bad experiences with Catholicism, so I would rather not bother with religion. I have no issues with religious people. I just don't feel like it's right for me. But now I'm worried I'm going to be fixating on this all week.

Most importantly, all of this health and religious anxiety almost completely overwrote my trans anxiety. That's what leads me to believe that it's not the subject that matters, but the pattern of thinking. If I don't want to focus on this and make it bother me, then I don't have to.

I think this recent development is an ego dystonic thought. I don't really consider myself religious, but seeing a religious symbol combined with a religious album made me worry I was going to become religious.

What do I do? I'm going to try and distract myself this week as much as possible. It sucks I'm not in Florida with my friends there, but I didn't want to be in an unfamiliar place with an unfamiliar mind.

Welcome back- sorry it's not to give a better report, but that's what the forums are here for.

youllgetoverit wrote:Most importantly, all of this health and religious anxiety almost completely overwrote my trans anxiety. That's what leads me to believe that it's not the subject that matters, but the pattern of thinking. If I don't want to focus on this and make it bother me, then I don't have to.

Seems to happen in this forum. Something new will overtake the old obsession, and a person will be scared of the new thing. I also suspect that over time, people get burned out an an obsessional fear, and since pwOCD are wired to be anxious- sometimes I liken it to an addiction- well, Nature abhors a vacuum, and something else takes its place.

And yes- if you don't want to focus on something and be bothered by it, it's up to you to not be. It ain't easy- it takes persistence- but it is doable. It's just so hard to get in the habit of intentionally not caring about a particular OCD fear, but it's like any muscle- it has to be used to get stronger.

Glad the TOCD is better, anyway. And in the way of a little reassurance, I'll remind you that God didn't give us the freedom to fall from Grace, just to hold a gun to your head and make you turn religious, much less grab the clicker and hit the 'religious' button as if you were an automaton. If He wanted robots, He'd have made them. If you really are getting religion, then you'll naturally be drawn to it, not dragged to it feeling as if it was the end of the world. I may not want to be Bisexual- but I don't have HOCD, so it's not the end of the world. It just is, what it is.

Snaga wrote:Welcome back- sorry it's not to give a better report, but that's what the forums are here for.

youllgetoverit wrote:Most importantly, all of this health and religious anxiety almost completely overwrote my trans anxiety. That's what leads me to believe that it's not the subject that matters, but the pattern of thinking. If I don't want to focus on this and make it bother me, then I don't have to.

Seems to happen in this forum. Something new will overtake the old obsession, and a person will be scared of the new thing. I also suspect that over time, people get burned out an an obsessional fear, and since pwOCD are wired to be anxious- sometimes I liken it to an addiction- well, Nature abhors a vacuum, and something else takes its place.

And yes- if you don't want to focus on something and be bothered by it, it's up to you to not be. It ain't easy- it takes persistence- but it is doable. It's just so hard to get in the habit of intentionally not caring about a particular OCD fear, but it's like any muscle- it has to be used to get stronger.

Glad the TOCD is better, anyway. And in the way of a little reassurance, I'll remind you that God didn't give us the freedom to fall from Grace, just to hold a gun to your head and make you turn religious, much less grab the clicker and hit the 'religious' button as if you were an automaton. If He wanted robots, He'd have made them. If you really are getting religion, then you'll naturally be drawn to it, not dragged to it feeling as if it was the end of the world. I may not want to be Bisexual- but I don't have HOCD, so it's not the end of the world. It just is, what it is.

I've been through pedo OCD, trans OCD, all sorts of weird OCD. This is the first time I've ever heard of someone being afraid of becoming religious. I don't have an issue with religion in itself, I just don't feel it's for me. And I have to remember that OCD is ego-dystonic; it goes against your self-concept. It's not in my self concept to be very religious, so anything that reinforces that scares me.

Anyway, I listened to that Kanye album DONDA all the way through; there's some affecting, religious songs on there, but overall it feels incomplete, unfinished. I didn't come away from the album "converted" like I feared I would, half-asleep last night. I did force myself to look at that one stock image that scared me the other night; it's slowly not having as much of an effect on me. I even looked at dozens of images just like it as a way to desensitize myself.

I just feared that I wouldn't be able to let go of this and I'd have to keep checking, checking, checking, if I resonated with Christian imagery or not. I just have to ignore it and go on with my life.

As a side note, I also remember listening to the album "Oil of Every Pearl's Un-Insides" by the late trans artist SOPHIE and feared that listening to it would make me realize I'm a transgender woman. Of course, that didn't happen.

I need to keep taking my medication and practicing mindfulness so I can get through this.

Agreed. Mindfulness, and remembering that these thoughts aren't the core you. I liken OCD to a demon in my head, living off my fear- he has squatter's rights and I can't kick him out, but I can keep him weak and half-starved. For me, it really is handy to think of OCD as something apart from 'me'- perhaps because of the nature of intrusive thoughts being ego-dystonic.

Snaga wrote:Agreed. Mindfulness, and remembering that these thoughts aren't the core you. I liken OCD to a demon in my head, living off my fear- he has squatter's rights and I can't kick him out, but I can keep him weak and half-starved. For me, it really is handy to think of OCD as something apart from 'me'- perhaps because of the nature of intrusive thoughts being ego-dystonic.

Right. I know these are irrational thoughts, but I can't stop them. Like, right now I have the notion that I won't be able to stop worrying about that stock image and I have to keep checking to make sure it does or does not bother me. But I don't want to think about this every day. It's silly. I feel like I'm crazy and I want to move on with my life.

I also remember back when I was worrying about being trans that I'd see pictures of beautiful women or feminine things, feel "odd" and then not know why. I think I just appreciated the aesthetic beauty of the pictures, but I don't think that means I am interested in wearing feminine clothes or whatever. Or I'd make a profile in a game, pick "male" and then have to double and triple check I picked the right one.

In the same way, seeing a picture of hands held up towards a sunrise with a cross in the middle may elicit themes of appreciating God in a way I find "uplifting" but that doesn't mean I believe any more in God than I did before. I'm reading too much into it.

Or when I was afraid of being a pedo, I'd be around kids, feel "odd" and then fear that it was some deep suppressed pedo urge.

Speaking of games, I used to have to save my game a certain number of times or do certain things a certain way or it didn't feel "right".

Even a couple days ago, I had been cutting out caffeine and I heard a "pop" sound in my head and I was worried I was having a brain aneurysm and I was googling my symptoms for half an hour.

See, I know what's happening, but I can't stop it. I just need to take it one day at a time and trust that my medication will sort things out in my brain.

Yeahhhhhh I worry about aneurysms, too. Worried about it atm, in fact. But pretty sure if one 'popped', you'd be in hospital, or worse, pretty quickly.

So think you're probably good.

youllgetoverit wrote: when I was worrying about being trans that I'd see pictures of beautiful women or feminine things, feel "odd" and then not know why. I think I just appreciated the aesthetic beauty of the pictures, but I don't think that means I am interested in wearing feminine clothes or whatever. Or I'd make a profile in a game, pick "male" and then have to double and triple check I picked the right one.

I always pick female. But then, Tinkerbell is my avatar, and I used to borrow things to wear in secret. I never had TOCD. I've wondered if I was trans, but no, not TOCD.

Even if you did feel a desire to wear women's clothes, remember the wisdom of Miss Noxeema Jackson:

https://youtu.be/UT8XQcaVUtI

There are trasvestites, transsexuals, drag queens.. and sometimes, you're just a boy, in a dress.

It's verboten in Orthodox Trans circles, but there is such a thing as autogynephila- the fetish to be the sexy woman of your dreams. Without actually identifying as female. So, a guy is quite capable of being a transvestite with no desire to transition or live as a woman full time- it's for sexual kicks, and that's all. Just a kink, and a rather innocuous one, at that. And a rather common one, I suspect.

So, it's been like a week since I listened to the album and a few days since I looked at the picture.

I keep thinking I have to look at it and "figure it out" but I really don't want to. But I feel like I'm stuck in a loop here where I'm gonna have to think about this every day for the rest of my life. But I really don't want to! Again, it feels like my obsession shifted from gender to health to religion.

This kind of reminds me of what I mentioned before when looking at female oriented stuff made me feel "good" but in the aesthetic sense; maybe I found the picture of hands held to the sky with the sun rising and the Cross in the center to be striking in my headache-addled state. There's nothing really disturbing about it; it's really silly and irrational that my brain latched onto this.

I'm two weeks into my meds and while I feel better (if drowsy) I really want this to stop.

I am beginning teletherapy this coming Wednesday; hopefully the therapist can help me.