Pocd and real event OCD?

I need honest feedback. I am so desperate and scared. For reference I am a 19 year old female.

When I was 11 to 14 years old I got into heavy porn use. I used have roleplay with pedophiles and read/watch loli, cub and shota porn regularly until I learned it was a tools used by groomers and I forced myself to stop. I learned that pedophiles are ashamed of their attraction but that they are comforted by their thoughts. What if that's me? I don't have fantasies but I get so scared I'm repressing them.

I recently quit porn together because I just got worse and worse intrusive thoughts. Even then my porn habits were a bit scary because they were mostly, cheating porn, babysitter and professor/student stuff. I don't have any urges towards children nor do I feel attraction to them but I have been increasingly worried that somehow I have turned into a pedophile.

I don't even think non offending pedophiles are the worst people in the world, I think they need help and to stay far away from kids. I just don't want to be one and am not attracted to kids. Sometimes I'll try and test my attraction to kids or I'll look at a kid and get an intrusive thought that makes me want to vomit.

I recently learned that porn addiction isn't real and everyone I have spoken to, hasn't gone as far as I have. I used to work with kids but I quit as I feel so anxious around children.

Sometimes I think "maybe I am a pedophile and I'm just in denial" and that thought really scares me. Today all I have done is confess this and everyone has reassured me I am not one but it just scares me much. I feel like I can't be sure of my attraction to anyone anymore. Everyone I have had a crush one that was age appropriate, I look back and wonder if I was just coping or something. I have a boyfriend who is a couple years older than me, I am very attracted to him, or so I think. I genuinely want to marry him and have kids with him. I can't eat anymore, all I do is worry and check and research.

I have had OCD like moments before, towards my brother and father. I also was very worried that my parents would go to hell when I was a kid and I would pray every night that they wodould be saved. I just want someone to tell me if they think I'm a pedophile or not. I am currently waiting on therapy as well.

I'm posting this on clarity because yesterday I was just going off the rails.

Sometimes I'll get a thought like "what if I'm attracted to kids" or when my boyfriend kisses me "what if I imagine kissing a kid" then maybe I won't necessarily feel anxiety at the initial thought. As a result I'll get anxious because, though I didn't enjoy it, I didn't get that anxiety spike either. Then I'll check to see if I wanted to imagine kissing a dog or my brother and I won't get anxiety but it makes me feel better because I didn't feel anything. Sometimes I'll try to force a thought when I'm already anxious and won't feel any particular spike and that's scary as well.

Sometimes I try to imagine a world where pedophiles are accepted and can do what they please without the negative consequences they cause and I try to think of how I would react. I try to think if that makes me happy but it doesn't make me feel better because all I'm scared of is the possibility of that being me. I am generally happy that pedophilia isn't normalized but I do want non offenders to get help so they don't ever offend.

My boyfriend went through some traumatic stuff as a child and he also related to the experience that I went through, though maybe not to the same degree. We didn't have normal sexual development as children and so I really think about how that started. I'm really envious of him because of how easily he can accept that it doesn't define him today.

I can say clearly and surely here that I am not attracted to kids but sometimes the fear of denial and the uncertainty seems so real and I just am unable to move or think clearly.

I'm not sure if I'll get any responses. I'm going to show my future psychiatrist/psychologist these posts and hope they can understand what I feel better. I feel better after writing this but the anxiety will come back soon enough.

Hello, and welcome to the forums!

I don't think you're a pedophile, sweetie.

Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but you were young, and engaged in things like Loli and ageplay with older people?

You're not the first person in these forums, to have had a taste for ageplay or age difference porn- as the younger person in the sexual fantasy/play- and OCD has twisted it, to a fear that YOU are the pedophile. When there's no indication, that you're anything approaching one.

I'll also point out here, that it's my understanding, that adults who engage in consensual ageplay with other persons of the age of legal consent, do not indicate any greater tendency towards having an unhealthy paraphilia aimed at underage persons, than the general population.

So the mere fact, of having age-related sexual fantasies, does not make a person, a pedo.

I've never had POCD- I've been very fortunate, in that. I have found my brain skirting the edges of it; but I've always been able to pull back, and not fall into that headspace. I tell people even if you think a taboo thought, it's just a thought. Don't stress it!

Do you think, that you have a proclivity for being the younger partner in age related sexual fantasy? I'll admit right now, to having had at least some (not sure how much) sexual contact as a minor, and I've had many sexual fantasies thoughts, in which I'm the younger person.

That's not the same thing as being a pedo! But I think a lot of times, people with OCD will twist it, to think because they think of the subject, at all, then they must be a child molester in waiting. I simply refuse to think that's true! When you're the kid, in your thoughts, or was the young partner with those older people, how does that make you a pedo! It doesn't. But with OCD we get to twisting things around so much, that we sometimes forget which way is up.

Hugs, if wanted- and try not to be too anxious about this. I think that seeking therapy is a really good idea- it always distresses me, to see young people (at my age it's safe to assume most members here are young compared to me) suffer, needlessly, in my opinion.

Snaga wrote:Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but you were young, and engaged in things like Loli and ageplay with older people?

Hopefully this formats correctly but I usually roleplayed with older men on chat websites. The porn I saw was separate from that. Often I saw it by accident but there were cases where I searched it up as I have found out by looking at my old phone's bookmarks. It wasn't something I viewed religiously, it was just incredibly gross and I have no clue why I went down that route. Regardless, this all happened between the ages of 13-15 rather than what I originally thought. I haven't told my psychologist about this yet but I will when I see her next, even if it is scary to admit it to her.

My boyfriend has actually experienced a lot of what I have experienced as I have found out. He told me he viewed real beastiality pornography when he was the same age and while I luckily didn't see that material, I know for a fact he isn't attracted to animals as does he. I found all of this out of course through my confession and reassurance seeking compulsions. I personally don't think we should forgive ourselves for having viewed the materials we have seen, but I think we need to understand we were very traumatized children exposed to porn at a very young age and it spiraled.

I was officially diagnosed with OCD today. I fall into the severe classification of OCD and the thought of doing ERP makes me want to cry. However I am excited to finally be seeking help. I am still weary of my diagnosis and I fear I exaggerated my symptoms or something. That's just the OCD talking though.

To anyone looking for reassurance here, please if you can seek out an OCD specialist. It can be scary but my psychologist has been very understanding so far. POCD isn't really my only obsession but it is the one that causes the most distress for me. Otherwise I have had obsessions with checking to make sure I didn't accidentally put my pets into the washer, fear of being attracted to family members, fears that I did something I didn't remember, etc.

Irdkhelp wrote:Hopefully this formats correctly but I usually roleplayed with older men on chat websites. The porn I saw was separate from that.

But still I think it's likely that you were approaching things from the perspective of being the 'young' partner- don't see how that makes anyone a pedophile or variation thereof.

Irdkhelp wrote: I personally don't think we should forgive ourselves for having viewed the materials we have seen

Then what is the alternative, sweetie? Beating yourself up over it, day after day? What purpose would that serve? Regret is one thing- it might help us not to do something, again- I have many regrets. And I dare say I don't practice what I preach- that is to say, I don't forgive myself for some things. But if I'm going to saddle myself with unforgiveness and self- hatred, I... would prefer to reserve that for something more than I looked at something on a computer screen. I think you're being too hard on yourself.

Irdkhelp wrote:I was officially diagnosed with OCD today. I fall into the severe classification of OCD

Not surprised, and glad you're seeing someone about it! <3

Irdkhelp wrote:Otherwise I have had obsessions with checking to make sure I didn't accidentally put my pets into the washer, fear of being attracted to family members, fears that I did something I didn't remember, etc.

I've never had the fear of family members- I'd be more likely to actually have an incestuous desire, than be afraid of having one. Not that I have either in any significant amount.

Oh you can never tell with pets and washers/dryers, especially cats- I've known cats that got into clothes dryers- and survived, but still it scares the crap out of you. Sometimes, OCD has it's upside.

Irdkhelp wrote:fears that I did something I didn't remember, etc.

I have harm OCD- so all the time, if I let myself do it. I might be part of an OSDD-1b or DID system- and I've had to be careful not to let my mind dwell too much on it- fortunately if it's OSDD1b that doesn't include significant periods of amnesia, so I've used that to keep the 'what if I do something terrible and don't remember it' at bay. Although especially as a child, I would obsess myself nearly to tears over the thought.

Hang in there. Do you know if they're going to prescribe anything? It's my understanding meds can't cure it but they do take the edge off it especially in conjunction with therapy.

Hi Snaga,

Right now I'm only seeing a psychologist and not a psychiatrist. I was nervous about seeing either one because I wasn't sure which of them would be better at a diagnosis. If I'm being honest medication makes me anxious and I fear that my brain chemistry will change drastically or I'll have a realization of some sorts, which is completely irrational of course. Do you take medication if you're comfortable answering that question?

I definitely have benefitted from it in some ways, I don't miss things when I read paperwork lol and my animals definitely don't end up in the washing machine.

I haven't had too much of an experience of harm OCD. I have had the off fear that if I left something in a certain position I could cause the death of a family member by accident or fears that my mom had killed herself so I would check to make sure she did not.

I had a pretty good day today but then I experienced a couple triggers and spiraled. So right now I'm kind of in a reassurance seeking loop. My apologies if the question I ask comes across as reassurance seeking, because it probably is. I went on a big research spree and ended up comparing my experiences to those in the paraphilia forum, which of course is filled with other OCD sufferers reassurance seeking.

I don't mean to trigger you either so hopefully I am careful in my wording!

Do you ever experience horrific intrusive thoughts that are completely random and don't involve yourself? I have had a few where it is completely separated from myself but the image or maybe it's the idea of it and not necessarily an image, that pops into my head is a horrible thing happening to someone else and it makes me want to vomit. This is another question for my psychologist but I just wanted to see if someone with OCD could relate.

***Trigger warning***
For example, some people with OCD have fears they may be attracted to animals. For whatever reason they get a horrific thought of an animal being sexually abused by someone not them or in a "sexual" situation and it scares them to death just by the fact that the thought occurred seemingly for no reason. I'm not trying to describe a fantasy, just a random intrusive thought that is horrifying. Do you think that could be classified as an intrusive thought?

No, I don't take meds- although I probably ought to, for a variety of mental disorders, including anxiety. If I were younger I'd probably share your concern about long term brain chemistry, although I'm old enough now, I will probably be dead first. But no meds, and I worked out a lot of what I do, on my own by learning what was wrong with me. Not that I shouldn't seek treatment/therapy (I should, but I don't), but as a child I spent a fair amount of time during harm OCD spikes (and other things) convinced I had demons, or were fixing to get them, anyway.

I'm no expert, but I would think any distressing thought that is ego dystonic can be considered an intrusive thought. Something you might want to keep in mind, is that from what I've read of Harm OCD in particular, that everyone gets thoughts like the folks in this forum do- like what you've just described at the end of your post. At least, I assume they do, from extrapolation- the harm thoughts I get, supposedly Normies get. They just don't get bothered by them, they recognise them as random thoughts that have no real meaning. Obviously, pwOCD don't have that luxury.

Hi again Snaga,

I have yet another brain worm. If OCD can target quite literally anything do you think it is possible that I have formed another obsession pertaining to sexual abuse that I am unsure really happened to me?

I have always struggled with the possibility of whether or not I had been sexually abused. For a long time, I struggled to differentiate between whether or not these memories were really memories and not just disjointed dreams from when I was a child. I was allowed to watch horror movies at the time and so maybe a rape scene from one of those movies really scared me into thinking it happened to me. My mom thinks this is a possibility as I have confessed to her that I believe I had been abused. She was very understanding and not at all trying to tell me the abuse didn't happen, just that sometimes kid's brains are imaginative and that could be an explanation.

The memories are vivid but at the same time very fragmented. I have had them for a long time but I feel like a fraud as my friends and boyfriend who have unfortunately experienced CSA have vivid memories they are sure of. The timeframe in which it had to have happened to me was between the ages of 4 and 5 by family friends' 16-year-old son. From what I was told his family was not in a very good spot and that he was a very angry guy. My older brother was ten around this time and from what he remembers the guy scared him. Hearing this from him made me cry hard but maybe he just wasn't very nice in general and my dreams had made him an abuser when he really wasn't. I have memories where he would look at me and I would just feel this deep-seated fear. There are more fragmented memories where I don't know what happened before or after like I would be on his bed or he would kiss me.

Yet, the only time where I could have gone to his house was if my godparents had dropped me off with them because I was watched by many different people.

I have memories that I am sure happened to me like in kindergarten these two boys would tell me sexual things and I was very afraid of going to class but I don't think I told my mom about it, I just wanted her to sit in class with me. My father was also very abusive and there have been several instances where I had been witness to domestic violence in the home or been quite literally in the middle of it. So to not be sure about this, in particular, makes me think it is OCD.

I honestly think this is classic rumination and I am combing over memories as I do. I feel I need to be very cautious with this in particular because OCD can really mess with the brain. However, I am also increasingly anxious as when I try to have sex with my boyfriend he cannot penetrate despite me being aroused, I just can't relax and it is seriously painful.

Sorry for the long post, I think this turned a bit into a vent and maybe a bit of TMI.