HOCD wanting to be asexual

So I’m a 20 year old male and I’ve had Hocd since I was 12. Initially for the first 8 years I was desperately trying to go back to being straight and liking girls again. I used to have crushes on a lot of girls growing up. But now after feeling like I’m close to recovery I feel girls aren’t that great. I still get attractions to guys and I don’t really get bothered by them. I feel like I could go back to liking girls anytime I want and I am getting my attraction back but honestly I don’t really want them. After so long fighting to go back to being straight I’ve decided that it’s not worth it. Now it feels like guys are better and I’ll only ever be happy if I end up with a guy. I sometimes actually get annoyed when I don’t get these attractions. I sometimes also get annoyed with straight attractions and the thought of getting better. At this point I think the best way out is if I become asexual. I wanna forget about sexuality entirely and just focus on other things like school. Oh and I almost forgot I experience absolutely zero distress and anxiety from these thoughts and feelings.

hello, and welcome!

If you don't have what I'd call an existential distress, from having homosexual thoughts, then I wonder if you have indeed been HOCD?

I'll explain- as a child, I would glom onto girls, because that was the 'natural' thing to do. Mind you, I'm in my fifth decade, so when I was a child, homosexuality was very much more a taboo subject, than now, and I wasn't exposed to even the concept of it before my late preteens.

It turns out I'm bisexual- it was 'woke up' in my early teens, although I think it was there the whole while. So for a very long time, I fought with conflicting interests. Which is really a better subject for Relationships->Sexuality forum, but the point I'm getting at, is that while I haven't had HOCD, in the classic sense, I do have OCD. And having OCD, and a sexuality that hovers around the midpoint of the Kinsey, means that over the years, I was pretty angsty regarding my sexuality- I'd swing from thinking I'm one thing, to thinking I'm another. Because I am both. When being 'straight' clearly was unsatisfactory, but no matter how distressed I felt at feeling 'gay', at the same time, the thought of not having the whole range of sexual desires I have, seems foreign and actually just as bad, as being 'gay' in the first place.

So, I suppose I'm wondering if you couldn't be perhaps bisexual? Not trying to say you are, or pin a label on you, but if you don't feel abject terror at the mere possibility of being gay, if you even feel annoyed that you're not attracted enough to the same sex, then maybe it's because you're not one or the other. Which OCD is just as happy to beat you over the head with, as classic HOCD/SOCD (yes we do get the occasional person with Straight OCD).

And yes- sometimes I think being asexual would have made for a lot more internal peace- while I can't even conceive of someone only being attracted to one sex, and think it must be terribly dull, being attracted to both sexes is also something I don't wish on anyone.

Problem is I still get attraction to girls and I don’t want them. Pretty i am I strength but I don’t want to be. I literally suffered so much for almost a decade because of sexuality and I don’t want to deal with it anymore. I want to be asexual so bad. I despise my sexuality whatever it is and I just want to be alone forever.

I sympathise, truly!

Unfortunately, life isn't so nice and neat for us. Whatever you are, I hope it reveals itself to you, soon enough. You say basically you're straight? I think a lot of folks with OCD, get hung up because I think most of humanity is at least a very little bit, bisexual. Now, mind you, it's not a case of me projecting, wanting to force everyone into my camp! Not at all. I just don't see how anyone hasn't at least had the occasional fleeting thought, or attraction, or situation where for that moment, they'd consider the sex that's at odds with what they're mostly attracted to.

But for most people, being... 90% or more, 'straight', or 'gay', is as good as being 100%. They're not going to ruminate on it. pwOCD, on the other hand... we're going to ruminate over 'only' being 99-44/100% straight (or occasionally gay). It's both harder, and easier, for someone like me, because I will consistently test as very bisexual. It's close to being 50% for me- which is, in itself, pretty unusual.

Well, I'd consider anything that messes with hormones, to be ill-advised and short sighted. Seems to me, that only medical procedures, or a very profound religious experience, would take away sexual desires in a reasonably healthy young man- you're at the height of your sexual prowess!

But say that you were de-hormoned and had no actual lust- seems to me, that's quite independent of your sexual preferences. And, as far as I know from some research done back a few or so decades ago, in Australia, that I consider pretty reliable, for cismales, the empirical evidence seems to indicate, that those of us with a Y-chromosome, are pretty much going to be locked into whatever our sexuality is, somewhere between being a fetus, and 15 at the outside latest- and I only say 15, because the researcher in question, believed it was something we're born with, however- his youngest subjects were 15. He found that even in males who were greatly wishing/motivated to change sexual preference, that it was immovable by any means he could devise, up to and including, if I remember correctly, shocking the crap out of you when you showed interest in the same sex. These were willing subjects, that wanted to be converted from gay to straight. Not only was that not possible, but he also found, that say, for me- I'm roughly in the middle of the Kinsey, call me about 60/40 straight/gay, actually that's probably being generous on the straight side, but let's run with that. According to what little I've read of this research- I'd really like to get the book that contains the data- according to the data, not only can I not be made 'straight', I can't be moved at all, from that 60/40. Or... 55/45.... or 90/10..... cismales seem to be solidly locked in by the middle teen years at the absolute latest. Probably earlier, but I personally (from my own experiences) think that it's a done deal, by about 12 or 13.

So, while there's certainly artificial methods to mess with hormones... I'm not at all sure, that that actually affects sexual preference/orientation. I'd argue, it doesn't. It merely takes away the desire to act upon something we're hard-wired for.

So I greatly sympathise with your wish you were asexual, but I'm not sure it's even possible.

And you're much too young to wish to be alone, forever! Please reconsider that. You have a whole life stretched out before you. If you're truly Bi, things can be... frustrating, but there are people that make it work. You're much too young, to give up on a relationship!

Have you sought any professional help with this? And mentioned your sexual distress?

I’ve had some therapy in the past but only brief. Honestly I’m pretty at peace with the idea of being single. I doubt that I’ll be able to become asexual because I know it’s fixed and won’t change no matter what. So I aim to just not pursue a relationship. Currently I find either gender in any sexual manner pretty disgusting. I’m not really into it and don’t want to be into it. Maybe I was interested in girls growing up but not anymore. I’m honestly quite ok with that, I could just focus on school and doing things that I enjoy. Seems pretty good to me, beside from what I heard sex and relationships are overrated and isn’t all that amazing. Maybe things will change in the future, I don’t know but right now I’m just going to aim on being asexual and aromantic. By the way I appreciate you for taking the time to read and put into that much effort to respond to me. You’re a very nice person.

Sex can be a bit overrated, compared to the mental buildup to it, I do think so. I don't think the prevalence of porn helps that, either.

Yes, things may change, and I hope so. It's nice to have companionship, but a relationship can be a lot of work.

And thank you!