Is this a sign of undiagnosed Scrupulosity OCD?

I think I may have a form of scrupulosity OCD (Pure O) due to my religious upbringing. Ever since my mother brought up the topic of hell and demons and being saved, I developed a fear of it and of straying away from Christianity.

I was a complicated child who wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until around the age of 8. At 13, I was given an official diagnosis of High Functioning Autism and Auditory Processing Disorder on top of the ADHD diagnosis. Doctors would only focus on the results I brought at school but never my mental health. I fell into a severe depression around the age I was diagnosed with the two other disorders, but as a kid I’ve always felt like there was something empty and that I didn’t truly belong to a church, that I was putting on a mask to conceal my anxiety I felt as a child. The OCD symptoms started at about 5 to 6, and I would:

Pray every time I had a bad thought or try to correct my thoughts for not being pure because I was told that God knows everything and knows what you’re thinking

Pray multiple times a day to ease anxiety

I would pray for family members and friends and pets every single night to ease anxiety as well if I was worried about them

Be worried about worshipping other entities and becoming a devil worshipper and would go to my family for reassurance that I was saved many times

Would refuse to be friends with non-Christians because I was scared of being influenced into not becoming a Christian

These are only a few things that I can remember that I’ve done as a child. I didn’t have “rituals” other than praying all the time. I tried to fight against it in high school but it got so bad that I’m a depressive, anxious mess that now self-harms and gets slightly drunk on occasion to ease my patterns of overthinking and anxiety. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I found out about Scrupulosity OCD after typing in “religion anxiety” into Google. My mom has apologized to me for bringing it up to me as a young child, I was her firstborn, and had no idea this was what I was suffering with. I feel so resentful for being put through this as a child and I just want my mind to be put at ease for once. My dad told me I had to forgive her and the only reason I’m resentful is because I have no forgiveness in my heart. That enraged me and I was tempted to crash my car into the large tree of our neighborhood to end myself. I never told them this because I don’t want them to feel responsible and I don’t want to come off as manipulative.

I just want to know if there is hope for someone like me because I don’t know where to turn and get help for this. I feel like it’s also stunted my growth as an adult because when I get “triggered” into these thinking patterns again, I feel like the same child as I was when I was really small. The highly conservative nature of the culture I grew up in as well as the fundamentalist Christianity has also given me a warped view of sexuality and my body. I’m uncomfortable being in my body as an adult and wish I could revert back or change it. I haven’t been sexually abused so I have no idea why I feel like this also.

I just want to know if I could fully recover and move on from this. I feel so lost and abnormal and like no one understands me, and that I’m cursed with this brain that makes me want to end it.

Hello, and welcome...

Well... I can sympathise. I'm also Christian- at least that's my hope- you're not unique in those fears.

I'm also bisexual, which... yes doesn't mix well with my theology. I have to compromise, and tell myself that if I'm not practicing it, I really have no control over what I want. And if I ever do practice it, well... I'll have to come up with a new compromise, shan't I?

In addition to some of the same religious fears (fear of things like the Unforgivable Sin whatever that is, etc), I also had Harm OCD from... say about 10 or 11 on, and seriously thought I was always on the precipice of being demon possessed. For a really long time. I didn't know what OCD was, and well, the logical assumption was demons must be putting these intrusive thoughts of killing myself and others, into my head. Made sense, and I do believe demons exist, so... it was a reasonable assumption for a child to make.

I do think there is hope for you- I think it's a matter of finding a balance between your upbringing, and what actually, personally, makes you feel genuine conviction. For me, especially in sexual matters, while I understand in the epistles, it's written that someone who sins sexually, sins against their own body- still I, while not officially disputing the given Word, insist that certain sins are worse than others- I'm sorry, they have to be. Surely things that ruin the heart- such as resentment, envy, hatred, lack of compassion for others- surely those are more damaging to my spirit, than the naughty bits I feel sexual desire for! Sometimes, we have to pick and choose our battles- not for nothing that it's written that we all have to 'work out our own salvation'.

So... I try to step back from too many religious fears, which if I let myself my OCD would grab and run with like they was stealing a bag of gold, and temper that against things that make my spirit truly ugly. And not get hung up over things like sex. And have a little faith that if I try to live a decent life re: how I am with others, that that will just have to be good enough. I am not perfect, and while I don't go out of my way to sin, I'm only a broken, messed up person, please God have mercy upon me. And let it go, as I like to put in my sig line here.

I'll add, as far as sexual vs other things, and why I think some things are far more of a worry, that I recently had an appeal from someone who doesn't rate my help. In the natural. They think of only themselves- I mean I do to but for this person, nothing is ever a consequence of their own actions, such as their drug addiction- and instead of just telling them no I cannot help you, I was extremely cowardly and didn't respond at all. For me, and I really can't see how it could be otherwise, something like THAT... is far more threatening to my salvation, than if I were to go out and screw a host of people of either sex, with abandon.

I pick my battles, according to my own conviction, and make a conscious effort to NOT worry, and trust that, to paraphrase Spock from The Undiscovered Country, that the universe will take care of itself.

Also I'd like to note, that CS Lewis once opined that a kind, good-hearted prostitute might be nearer to God, than a cold-hearted, chuchgoing bitty- not a direct quote but you get the idea.

Of course, it's better to be neither, but I'd rather be the one, than the other, even so.

Sexuality is definitely the least of my worries. And I would counsel that to anyone struggling with religious fears. One battle at a time and I place more importance on my heart, than my bits.

Snaga wrote:Also I'd like to note, that CS Lewis once opined that a kind, good-hearted prostitute might be nearer to God, than a cold-hearted, chuchgoing bitty- not a direct quote but you get the idea.

Of course, it's better to be neither, but I'd rather be the one, than the other, even so.

Sexuality is definitely the least of my worries. And I would counsel that to anyone struggling with religious fears. One battle at a time and I place more importance on my heart, than my bits.

I haven’t responded in a while due to life making me busy, but I am eternally grateful for your responses. Like you said, I should “take one thing a time” and that is what I’m trying to do now. I am struggling a lot with sexual repression but it is getting better, and I want to thank you for this comforting message. I do still have religious fears but alas I’ve come across this boy that has brought up these sexual feelings I didn’t know I had.

My therapist is helping me work through it. It is a very lonely experience, though, not knowing anyone irl who struggles with the same thing.

Well, you always have these forums. Far from the only person who struggles with their religion and/or their sexuality.

Sexuality is a pretty basic instinct- how do you feel warped, if you wish to talk about it?

It’s a bit hard to explain, but if I get very explicit sexual thoughts I’ll feel completely guilty about myself afterwards and hate myself for it.

Also if I feel the drive or the urge to have sex with someone, it’s like there’s a part of me that creates a mental block that makes me question if I’m forcing myself to like a certain person or if the feelings are a lie, but then I can look at someone and find them attractive but not want to have sex with them. It’s really weird.

I’m trying to undo the sexual repression cause my therapist says that he thinks that if I can get over this hurdle, it can help a lot with my other mental issues.

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On top of all that, I’ve developed really bad physical issues with my pelvic floor and my pelvic region in general. It has made masturbation very uncomfortable and painful. So I have no way of releasing any sexual tension in my body, making me incredibly sexually frustrated on top of being confused.

I’ve actually come across an article that says it’s extremely common for people struggling with sexual repression, religious or not, to develop pelvic floor tension which can cause pain with sex or masturbation.

Well I certainly hope with your therapist's help, you can get past some of this repression.

I used to tear myself up over my sexual thoughts- it doesn't help that I'm bisexual- so there are attractions that I was raised to think are completely wrong. Still not sure they're right- but I have a truce with those worries. Like I say, there are things in me that I'd worry more about, before that.

And that makes sense about the tension and painfulness- I wonder if a mild muscle relaxant would help- under supervision, of course. Nothing you'd want to get dependent on!

I’m supposed to be getting physical therapy in about a month, which would help.. I just hope I can get over the mental hurdles I’ve had like you’ve mentioned. I might ask them about muscle relaxants when I see my doctor.

Another thing, I’ve also learned that with pelvic floor therapy, they tend to incorporate psychological therapy so hopefully that might help me even more too.