Am I a pedophile, or is it just intrusive thoughts?

Hi,

Let me preface this by saying I have only ever had - and still do - have sexual interests in women my own age (22 and up to 26, in this case) or a few years older than me. I've always been disgusted by the thought that pedophiles exist and commit disgustingly revolting crimes on children, infants, and the vulnerable. Though I don't watch porn anymore due to not being able to reconcile it with my feminist values, even when I did, my 'appetite', as it were, was completely healthy and tame; that is, solely women and men involved together who were over the age of 18 and up to the age of mid-30's.

So I've had intrusive thoughts about being a danger to children for just over a year as a result of finding out that an ex teacher committed horrible crimes against young people by taking photos that were inappropriate. I've developed a strong aversion to touching my own body, especially as a result of finding this out: my brain can't seem to separate the two.

This has lead me to perpetually avoid everything to do with children both in person and even avoid looking at photos of them. I have Asperger's Syndrome, and while I've never been formally diagnosed with OCD, I've always displayed similar tendencies when under great deals of stress.

On Tuesday morning, my brain woke me in a deep panic up after I became convinced that someone could see me from outside my bedroom window privately moving my hand away from my genitals - which I felt uncomfortable has been placed there unconsciously during rem sleep.

After waking up and going for long walks, and coming home, I got into bed and watched a YouTube video of Kurt Cobain from childhood up until age 27 and while the duvet was up to my neck and hands rigidly on my phone and legs crossed, my brain started telling me that I was being inappropriate because my fingers slipped and hit (what my brain told me) was my pelvis or penis area but was actually my chest.

During this, I remember feeling a twitch of genitals, but didn't attribute it to anything sinister, as the immediate search query I made afterwards had to do with the intrusive thought of my fingers slipping down my phone. After this, I put my phone away and got into bed, and tossed and turned a bit and I felt my legs squeeze together, and then soon after faintly felt a wetness in my trousers. After waking up later, I couldn't remember where this had come from. I started having a panic attack and dry-vomiting due to fear that it came out during the Kurt Cobain video.

While on Tumblr recently and seeing a photo of a baby girl, my fear rose significantly and I had heavy heart palpitations but I did some exposure therapy as it were, and forced myself to look at it before quickly scrolling down.

What does it mean, if the bodily fluid did come out while watching the Kurt Cobain video? Even though, I know it didn't. I'm revolted and disgusted by the implications, I don't want to be this, and I never have been.

What does this mean?

It doesn't mean anything. I am certain it's OCD. I have Autism aswell and my OCD started with religion. I had no idea it was OCD at that time, i just couldnt understand why my mind tourtured me. When i was 26-27 my OCD got attatched to POCD. I looked up my issue because i thought it was weird as hell and realized that POCD existed.

When fight and flight response occurs we seek answers to a question that is not necessary. It's really scary i know but if you are suffering look up ERP it has helped me alot but i am not cured. yet.