Plagued by TOCD (I hope so...)

Hi everyone,

I know I have already written here several times, but my TOCD (I hope so) has been horrific lately... My brain keeps telling me that this is what I am now, that I am a woman trapped in a man's body, even though this is the last thing I would like in my life, I rather die now than this. However anytime those thoughts come to my mind now, it feels like I am in denial and reassurance doesn't work much anymore.

I am 32 guy with only a history of heterosexual relationships, short and very long ones, always have been happy with my gender and my male features apart from some insecurities like many of us (wish I was taller, more muscular, etc.).

It now literally feels like my mind did a 180 degrees flip and I suddenly realized I had to be a woman. I am freaked out when I am anxious, and also when I feel less anxious.

It feels like there is no way out anymore, and I am ######6 numbed by all this...

I don't even remember who I am, or was, and I hate it. I never wanted this in my life, and it looks I have no choice. I am with my girlfriend for 2,5 years, and this feels like the end of my life.

I can't even say anymore if I am sad or not, I feel hopeless and nothing makes me happy nor sad: I just constantly feel this agonizing dread. My brain keeps telling me that I don't like my body anymore, which seems like a big #######4 as I love being a dude originally: I love working out, playing sport, taking care of my health and appearance, like many guys nowadays do right?

I would hate to be a woman, I know that deep down, but my brain keeps coming back relentlessly with this.

Tomorrow I will do a parachute jump, and I know I should be excited about it, but I can't even think about it.

What the ###$ is happening, I can't be in denial for ######6 32 years! My parents told me I never cross-dressed, never plaid with girl toys, never complained about my gender actually the opposite.

Please help, I can't take this any longer...

My psychiatrist and OCD therapist told me it's text book ocd, but it feels goddamn real like all day long...

Before this I had some others I believe OCD themes but much less distressing: existential questionning 24/7 with depersonalization, fear of mental illness (psychosis), health anxiety (poisoned over chemical fumes) on several topics, chronic earworms, fear of molesting my nieces that I love very much.

Now I always doubt this was all OCD, which seems very much OCD to do right?

Hey there buddy, sorry to hear that you are suffering so bad.

I have TOCD too and it is so ugly and nasty and a really horrible condition to battle through.

Sorry to hear you are going through this. LISTEN to your therapist and do the work to work through this, I believe in you!