19F Struggling. Thinking of getting a diagnosis for OCD

Hello everyone,
Before I start, I should mention that I am not officially diagnosed because I am scared shitless of not having OCD and that I'm just ###$ up in the mind.

So basically after getting a groinal response to a picture of a naked child around a year ago, I have been struggling with obsessive thoughts as to whether or not I'm a pedophile or not. This isn't the first time I've had groinal responses to disturbing things - for example if I am reading about a violent sex crime sometimes my groin will react and I will get super anxious about it for ages. Or I would be watching a really ###$ up movie and I'll get a groinal response. It's so annoying because I can't look at children as children anymore, like as soon as I see a kid I have to check if I'm attracted to them??

I was thinking and I have had disturbing sexual obsessions before - I remember reading a story about a girl getting abused by her dad when I was around 10 year old online and I began getting anxious that my dad was attracted to me and would abuse me (for the record he was not, he never did or said anything inappropriate to me he is the most wholesome dad in the whole world) and then I started thinking what if I want him to abuse me? I was exposed to a lot of stories about pedophilia and rape online as a child surfing the web which I think is a big factor. Because of this, I often avoided him and it's had an effect on our relationship. He doesn't know obviously. Oh and all this is paired with groinal responses too. I've had similar with lesbian obsessions, but it doesn't bother me as much because you can still live a good life as a lesbian, whereas being a pedophile would be incredibly difficult.

I've also had intrusive thoughts of being attracted to my brother and would avoid him because I thought I would lose control and thought I'd come onto him.

The pedophilic intrusive thoughts are really the ones that are getting to me though, I can't sleep or eat properly. I don't enjoy having these thoughts, evidently by the panic attacks and starving myself everyday. lmao

Lately I've just been thinking about suicide, but theres a little glimmer of hope in me saying that I should just stick around, because maybe what I think isn't actually reality. I would rather die than abuse a child.

And I was thinking, my grandmother had bipolar disorder so this could be a factor in possibly having OCD?

I guess I just want some advice on how to get diagnosis. I don't wanna waste my life if these are just thoughts..

Hi I'm gonna try my best to not give you reassurance because that will just make it worse in the long term.

Please know that people with POCD will NOT harm minors. Its the last thing they would do, fear of harming is not the same as wanting to harm. If it causes you that much distress, its not something you want to do. OCD is latching on to things you find absolutely horrible.

You don't have to suffer in silence, please find a good professional who deals with this and dont wait, seek some help. It might seem scary but they will understand and wont judge, so many others have had this problem and have managed it very well. Your not alone. Be kind to yourself!