False Memories or suppressed memories from Real Event OCD ?

Hi peoples, I'm currently struggling with what I believe is OCD and anxiety related issues and was wondering if anyone can relate from experience that could potentially help.

Long story short I recently had a "memory" pop up into my mind from some kind of weird sexual behavior with a sibling when I was a kid/young teenager (approx. 15-16 years ago). From what I can remember clearly (or most confidence), I think i asked him if he wanted to play the "sex game" or pretend to have sex as a stupid weird immature thing to say during puberty without much meaning to it or malicious intent.

Now up until 2-3 years ago I couldn't remember if anything actually happened afterwards or not and the memory that would pop up into my mind felt more like a thought that "I had sex with my brother". It was like details were never there and i couldn't remember confidently if anything happened or if it was just something I had said inappropriately. But nonetheless, I never gave it attention and there was barely any feelings of guilt, shame, or disgust regarding the memory.



Fast forward to about 2 years or so as of recent, now the memory has recently popped up and constantly on my mind every single day. But now its attached with the feelings of guilt, shame and anxiety around it. It was mostly from the feeling that I was subconsciously looking for something to find myself to blame for the relationship between my sibling and I and that somehow I did something terrible and traumatized my sibling. I know experimentation around those ages are considered normal, under certain circumstances, but I feel like something bad happened.

So then I started investigating the memory to see what exactly occurred and what the details were so I can try to investigate it like a detective. After doing this excessively for so long, I started to get images of scenarios of different sexual acts revolving the memory such as rubbing/humping, touching, kissing and weird movements. The more I ruminate and try to go into the memory, the more scenarios my mind comes up with. What scares me though is that I'm not sure if these images are a result of my imagination that's filling in the blanks or my mind is uncovering blocked memories. They feel super real but they're very hazy at the same time.

Currently. the problem that I'm having now is that I'm not able to determine if these memories are false or real since and the fact that I did ask my brother to play a "sex" game they could have potentially happened as a continuation of what i said. But then again if I did actually carry out these acts I feel like I would have remembered them a long time ago since this would have happened 15 + years ago and it would have been something pretty shameful that I don't think my mind would have just "blocked out". I do know that experimentation is common but I wouldn't be aable to accept that I did borderline sexual acts, even out of curiosity, with a same-sex sibling of 6 years age difference. Its just super disgusting to me and wrong. if it was just something I said or maybe something benign such as rubbing/dry humping then I feel like I could accept it more.

In terms of my sibling relationship, he doesn't show any major signs towards me of trauma, or disgust of any sexual acts that he may remember. He acts normal to me and he is much more friendlier then before and also seems comfortable around me. Sometimes he doesn't say a word which worries me but I feel like things would be worse if he was potentially affected. I never spoke to him about this but im not sure if I should because it might do more harm then good. And I feel like he has a better memory then I do so if this stuff did actually happen, I feel like he would remember it and felt disgusted and uncomfortable around me which would show in our relationship.

Does anyone out there recommend anything I should do ? My main worries are hovered around the fact that I might have done something terrible, I might have done something beyond what's considered normal experimenting, and that I might have traumatized my brother in some way . I'm constantly suffering from anxiety, shame and guilt throughout the day every day and the OCD makes it worse.


Anyone experience anything similar and have tips and personal advice they can share ? Thank you in advance. I appreciate any help I can get.