PURE OCD - HOCD My journey to hell & back

**mod edit- Trigger Warning**

Long and detailed analysis of my time with pure ocd, I still suffer but mainly mildly. I told myself when I got better I would share my story to help others so here it is.

Before you get started, I want to let you know that there is a t.v series on channel four called pure - if you wanted to showcase how ocd affects you, it might be worth showing it to a family member and saying listen this is it. Cause it was nail on the head how I felt, I only discovered it very very recently..

Here it goes....

Ever get a crazy thought when driving, hey imagine I just turned this steering wheel into that oncoming car and flattened the car full of children and pregnant wife, wouldn’t that be fun?
I was sitting at home one night and suddenly a thought occurred to me whilst watching a television show.It was a typical sitcom only there was a sex scene between 2 men something we see a million times on t.v nowadays, suddenly my body went into fight or flight mode and from this moment onwards and for the next 2 years I would go to hell and back with what I now know to be PURE OCD - HOCD, ROCD and Suicide OCD.
Whilst many people associate OCD with being neat and checking locks – it can also manifest as intrusive thoughts which are almost always around the same 3 topics, sexual thoughts, violent thoughts or blasphemy (religious thoughts) typically for people who may be religious.
Pure OCD is a living hell and it struck me whilst I was studying in my final year of University, having just completed my placement year I began to heap a lot of pressure on myself to upskill myself, complete graphic design work, work 20 hours a week, play football, study, exercise at the gym – I just felt that every waking moment had to be me being productive. I became incredibly stressed out and felt my anxiety return which had been dormant for a year or so. As I would later learn stress is a sure fire way for you to bring on OCD symptoms, it causes you to have a sticky mind – in a normal functioning brain crazy thoughts can be dismissed but with OCD? Can they ###$. You cannot rid the thought and trying to will only tighten its grasp on you to the point where you can’t leave the house.
What is OCD? OCD is an anxiety disorder which causes sufferers immense pain, they obsess over something (germs, health, checking), for example one may worry that they will contract aids from touching a surface and infect others – a crazy thought which I’m pretty sure is impossible but try telling that to the person with OCD. They then perform compulsions (an activity to help mitigate the risk) i.e. obsessively washing surfaces, hands etc. The sufferer might enjoy slight respite at the time, but OCD is a son of a bitch and will soon demolish the compulsion’s ability to provide relief with the ever common question – what if?
For me my thoughts were aggressively sexual as I mentioned above and I have no idea why. I was watching t.v one night a scene came on the T.V where an old man came onto a young boy and immediately I was plagued with sexually intrusive thoughts. I went to my room and thought to myself – what the ###$ was that? What did that mean? Why did I run away? Am I gay? And so it began the biggest battle of my life to date. Before this night I had been under a lot of stress, I had been trying to please too many people and in truth had become a yes man, doing so many graphic design jobs, balancing work, final year studies whilst trying to come off my anxiety medication. I was feeling the effects in the build up to this night but truth be told I thought I could handle it. Like most people who read this, OCD came on overnight – I had never ever in my life even considered the possibility that I was gay. From a very very young age I gravitated towards girls but as the cortisol shot round my body I suddenly doubted everything in my life. Every time I walked past another male I would scan to make sure I didn’t fancy him and become entangled in a web of what if, what if, what if.
The thoughts I experienced weren’t just limited to sexual, but also harmful and violent thoughts such as what if I just jumped off this ledge? I got a lot of suicide OCD whereby anytime I was around a height (obsession) I’d have to run away (this was my compulsion). The thought would be like this “Look at how high up I am, if I took 3 steps I’d be dead, I’d then be flooded with images of *mod edit* with my family in turmoil”. And I’d absolutely hate going to class on the top floor of buildings, as you guessed it I’d be plagued with mental images of me lying dead. The difference was I didn’t want to die. The thoughts became so deranged that I would be in the house and my dog would walk past and I’d get crazy thoughts about sexually assaulting the dog – the ######6 dog. OCD has no boundaries to the disturbing thoughts it will cause sufferers. As you can imagine with all this going on – my head was pretty ###$ and at the time I didn’t understand OCD properly – I knew I was suffering from anxiety as I had done for the past 3 years on and off but this was a new level of fear. OCD is a specialist topic – a standard mental health facility in the community is unlikely to understand the condition never mind provide treatment. It’s like going to a GP with mental health issues, they don’t really know what to say – other than here take some pills.
I made an appointment at a local counselling facility (one of the community ones) whereby they have a brief understanding of depression and anxiety but aren’t specialists in treating OCD. I sat down and explained some of my thoughts as best I could given how ###$ my head was – I would tell them that I would have impulses to perform crazy sex acts on everything from a dog to my own dad and she sort of looked at me as if to say “Do you think you might be gay?” as you can imagine for someone who has never even considered sex with anything other than women that I came out feeling much worse and plagued by what ifs, I literally went into isolation gave up everything whereby I could be exposed by these thoughts – gym shower? No thank you. This is turn affected my relationship with my girlfriend who I had been with for 4 years, I’m now still with her almost 3 years later but OCD done everything in its power to sabotage it by its what if questions. What if I really am gay? What if I grope that old man’s penis in the street? It wasn’t just thoughts but images and my life became a total mess. I lost 2 stone in about 3 weeks and looked ######6 terrible. What was this that was happening to me?
I had a look online and described by symptoms word by word – and low and behold I found the answer – I was suffering from a sub-type of a very very debilitating condition PURE OCD which is actually very common. A woman named *mod edit* became my go to whilst trying to find answers to this illness and why I felt the way I did – one thing she did mention very early was that a standard councillor does not have the knowledge of OCD especially PURE OCD which is a lesser-known sub type. Why you ask? Who the ###$ wants to admit the thoughts they are having revolve around sex with dogs, family members, people of the same sex, and much much worse. Some I won’t even write on this. She stated that you must seek therapy from someone who specialises in the treatment of OCD and I did. I googled it and found one.
I went with my mum who I had explained what I was going through – she hadn’t heard of it but seeing as she watched me deteriorate so quickly kindly agreed to come along with me. I went into my councillor and explained everything. He smiled warmly as I described my symptoms and said he was treating about 5 people with the exact same thoughts and images both male and female – I was so ######6 relieved to hear that I hadn’t suddenly turned gay overnight and that I would have to leave my girlfriend – not that there was anything wrong with that, I just knew I wasn’t until this illness gripped me. He taught me everything I needed to know and explained that if OCD told me not to go shower with naked men, then that’s exactly what I would have to do. If my OCD told me not to pet my dog incase I accidentally touched its genitals then I had to pet my dog – the gloves were off. He explained that this would be a process that would take quite some time and as I write this it has been 2 and a half years. I have cried sore, I have felt so much guilt for my thoughts, I have been plagued with intrusive thoughts and images, suicidal thoughts but now I know my limits as to what I can take on in life and not be a yes man to everyone who wants something for me as it caused me far too much stress.
MYTH BUSTER AND PROBABLY AN OCD SUFFERERS NUMBER ONE FEAR (WHAT IF I GET LOCKED UP FOR THESE THOUGHTS) – The councillor knew exactly what was wrong with me, and literally did not even flinch when I told him the thoughts I was having, he had seen this a million times over. He took me through step by step what OCD was, how it was previously treated and how he proposes I tackle it. His advice? When a thought occurs – DO NOTHING. Don’t fight it, let it be, for however long it lingers you do not fight that thought as there is nothing to fight. A thought is a piece of activity in the mind, automatic and we have no control over what comes to mind but we can change our reaction.
The next week I went back to playing sport – I flooded myself with anxiety – I wasn’t going to live like this. I went on holidays, I sat on the balcony and exposed myself to what I was afraid of. Sometimes I’d fail and have to come back in and calm down but as he said – the gloves were off. I went on lads holidays where I told my brother he would need to come back to the hotel with me as the thoughts were getting too overwhelming and he did. I went to hell and back- 4 steps forward, 3 back but always one step closer to normal. I’d hear a news article come on about a guy who turned gay at 30, murdered his girlfriend and ran away with a man and it would flood me with anxiety, what if I really am gay? What if I do that?
The thing is I could not give a single ###$ about someone being gay, it is the exact same as being straight only there are some arseholes in society who probably due to their own insecurities can’t accept it. Who gives a ###$ we are all human – the difference was I did not find men attractive, yes some men are good looking lads David beckham etc. the difference in OCD will make you think that that must mean your gay and it feels so so real. If it didn’t? It wouldn’t be a problem. Along the way I met some people online who had the exact opposite thoughts to me, they were lesbian and they were plagued with thoughts about being straight. This is the thing – OCD gives no ###$ about who you are, it’ll find something you find repulsive and feed you it and keep you stuck in its loop.
Some advice I would give to someone who recently has began suffering from this or any of the other sub-types (paedophilia OCD, Health OCD, Religious OCD (Thoughts about upsetting god, shouting obscene things in church etc., Relationship OCD (Do I love her, does she love me, am I meant to be with my ex etc.– Book a meeting with a SPECIALIST councillor it will be the most important step of your life. OCD is ranked in the top 10 most debilitating illnesses on earth. Think how many they are. It is ######6 horrendous and I would not wish it on my worst enemy.
Speak to someone who trust – mum for me was my go to – she understood and supported me with anxiety growing up. Do not discuss your thoughts with friends, associates, colleagues etc. they will not understand and may interpret them as something else. “Hey did you hear Davy had thoughts about fingering a cat or wanking off a pensioner?” Think how ######6 terrible that sounds and do you blame them for misunderstanding you would have thought the same!!
Step 1 to recovery – Get specialist help from someone who specialises in OCD (at any cost) it’s the most important step.
Step 2 – Take steps to reduce your anxiety as it will help reduce the reaction to the thought and make it more bearable
OCD is like quick sand the more you struggle with the thoughts and perform compulsions the more you will sink into its grasp. Let the horrible thoughts come and don’t take a step back. Going on holiday always made mine worse, balconies, alcohol and all my safety nets taken away – but this is where the growth can happen. The only way out is through. A thought is meaningless unless you believe the meaning ever get a thought whilst waiting on a train like if I stepped out there I’d be dead? Everyone gets them but unfortunately for those with OCD, those thoughts and images stick and can take hours or days to go away.
I was once at a friend’s funeral and had the bizarre thought that I could punch his grieving father in the face, did I want to do it? Did I ###$, he was a lovely man and it was his son’s funeral. Imagine what a @@@@@@@ I’d be, recognising how bizzare these thoughts are is what keeps us from going insane knowing that we’d never do it because its’ so wrong to us.
Step 3 – Recovery takes years, I am only really starting to see the fruits of my labour now, some days are worse than others, some are great, then I’d have a few off days. But these off days are when I go to work, I don’t fight my thoughts, they simply sit with me, I allow them to be and like the clouds in the sky they come to pass and then I feel normal again. OCD comes in waves and I’m waving them bastards Goodbye.
Step 4 – One thing that really helped me was learning meditation and practicing as much as I could, not to try and rid the thought as again this only keeps it there. But to recognise how my mind works, to sit and watch how it goes from one thing to another – this can create a lot of anxiety initially however it helps to recognise how dysfunctional our minds can be with their repetitive thoughts and processes, we truly are imps.
Step 5 – Read a lot, books were key to me recovering books about anything – motivation, stories, fiction and non-fiction and books specifically about my condition – Brain Lock or OCD, Anxiety and related depression might be two good starts but find what works for you. Reading is great for getting off your phone and taking your mind somewhere else which with OCD is essential.
Step 6 – This step helped me massively – recognise that OCD isn’t a demon out to get you, I know it feels that way… But it is merely a glitch in your brain which fires off a signal when there is no danger and causes you intense fear and can debilitate you. Trust the process which your therapist will outline and keep on digging, some days you will fall back this doesn’t mean you’re back to square one, you have still learned so much and are better equipped for tomorrow.
Step 7 - Do not take a step back, by all means take a break but don’t take a step back from this illness, continue your life as normal as the sooner you do this the sooner you will recover.
That’s a very very short version of my story and I hope you can take something from it, whatever topic your OCD tends to focus on. I hope you all find the peace which I have once again began to discover within myself. Just to note, I also took medication (an SSRI as well as propranolol to help with the anxiety) I suggest you consider this option as a crutch until you feel you can go it alone. I am getting to that stage now where I might consider this myself however not just yet.
Peace out, and ###$ you OCD.