TOCD and HOCD (Back again) Anyone able to help?

Honestly, I've been doing worse and worse
I've been diagnosed with OCD and BPD (bpd since mid/late teens, OCD since late teens early 20s)
Right now I feel so split and in so many pieces. I've come to a conclusion that I could be happy as any gender or sexuality, but my brain won't settle on one. I can't get my sense of self to settle at all, even making me question if my face is my own, if the things I've liked I've ever really liked or if I've just liked them as an act. Making me think that I dissociated during sex with previous partners even though I don't know if I did - trying to label memories. I desperately need to see a doctor, and I'm getting to a point where I think a brain scan to determine my gender identity and sexuality is the only way I'm ever going to get peace - but would I be happy with any of the answers? Keep trying to tell myself if Britney Spears managed to get through 2007, I can get through this

I get the feeling my OCD is triggered by stress - I woke up one morning after a long and difficult breakup, started with ROCD (compulsively googling if I had made the right call, if the guy I was talking to was a rebound, looking up relationship psychology non stop) and then BOOM TOCD and HOCD had reared their ugly heads again. So I think my OCD is definitely linked to a deep fear of being alone. Not being true to myself or being stuck in a lifestyle that isn't right - not being truly loved for me and not being able to truly love someone. So, at least that's down. Probably explains why most of my OCD have been about sexuality (ROCD, HOCD, TOCD, and POCD) and never really a specific Harm OCD theme.

Mittens, my situation atm is totally the same as yours. I can't send you any PMs because apparently i haven't engaged too much on the forum and i'm still new, but i can totally understand you.
I think that we just have to stop finding proofs in our past, as the more we dig the more fake proofs we find.
Also, can you try and concentrate more on your work? Maybe feeling like you're 'useful' somehow might help you!

Hugs, A.

I have OCD and Borderline Personality Disorder, both conditions that can cause dissociation that mimic gender dysphoria. I was raised mormon where homosexuality and bisexuality were treated with disgust, but I grew up identifying with females in media, desperately always wanted to know what "girl in Harry Potter I was most like) but now, idolised the older girls at my dance class, but now, thanks to my mental health issues and the trans community's "you don't need dysphoria to be trans" line I keep seemingly finding evidence that I'm trans.

I keep worrying that this is denial and that I'm trying to shove myself in the closet. That I've been miserable my whole life because of this. But that doesn't make any sense, but according to the part of my brain that thinks I'm trans - it makes perfect sense. I'm worried that I've just been looking for some reason to not think I'm trans :/

Mittens120995 wrote:"you don't need dysphoria to be trans"

I think the ones who say that, are the ideologues. I certainly don't believe that, and there are people with GID that don't. If you don't have dysphoria, then you don't need to change, the way someone with dysphoria, does. I consider myself not gender normal, and wish I were the opposite sex.... wishes, and dysphoria, are two different things, however. The thing that always kept me from being trans, is having enough dysphoria to matter- and that has never been the case.

I get especially upset about the current trendiness in transgenderism, precisely because it just pours gasoline on TOCD. And also trivialises people with bona-fide, I HATE my body I wish I were dead, GID.