I want help, but I don't know where to go because of covid.

I want to get immediate help ASAP, but due to this covid-19, I don't know how. Plus i'm too scared to tell my parents what they are, they don't understand how severe it is and that the thoughts just don't "go away". I want them gone, but I cannot tell whether I enjoy them or not, and i'm scared I might hurt my pets. I love animals and don't want to do that!


If I claim the thoughts as homicidal idieation instead of OCD, will there be a cure to get rid of the thoughts and never have them again? I want to enjoy my life without hurting anyone, and I want to change as a better person after I possibly visit a psych ward if it is possible. I do want to convert to islam after atheism. I cannot enjoy my life with these thoughts, nor do I want to kill anyone. Should I attempt suicide, but not kill myself? Injure myself in my legs? Live with my grandparents? Or get the help I need, which I want the last three options most.


I will do anything to get rid of these thoughts. I don't want to become Luka Magnotta or Peter Scully. I don't EVER want to be like them. I don't want to hurt my pets. I've had my bird for almost 4 years now, and the thoughts just happen now? For no reason? I just want help. How can I without my parents finding out? I need it. I need the help. Anything but harming another living creature.
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Hey love, I understand how distressing these thoughts are. I've had intrusive thoughts of hurting those I love/animals/strangers for years. It's so upsetting and convinces you that you're a terrible person, but here's the difference - the idea of causing harm to another upsets you. Cold-blooded killers don't commit a murder without the desire to harm that person. You haven't harmed anyone and you don't want to hurt anyone, right? So that's not the case for you.

I've been in this situation of wanting to cause just enough harm to get committed, hoping that the hospital care would fix me. I've never been in inpatient or a psych hold, but from every story I've heard it doesn't just fix everything. This is disheartening, I know, but hope is not lost! You are here, on an OCD forum, meaning you know this is likely OCD! You're reaching out for resources, meaning you have hope that you can be helped. You obviously have the drive and desire to get better, and I believe in you. I really recommend you call a phone counselling or suicide crisis line for your region - they really can help ground you.

You got this

MusicBee wrote:Hey love, I understand how distressing these thoughts are. I've had intrusive thoughts of hurting those I love/animals/strangers for years. It's so upsetting and convinces you that you're a terrible person, but here's the difference - the idea of causing harm to another upsets you. Cold-blooded killers don't commit a murder without the desire to harm that person. You haven't harmed anyone and you don't want to hurt anyone, right? So that's not the case for you.

I've been in this situation of wanting to cause just enough harm to get committed, hoping that the hospital care would fix me. I've never been in inpatient or a psych hold, but from every story I've heard it doesn't just fix everything. This is disheartening, I know, but hope is not lost! You are here, on an OCD forum, meaning you know this is likely OCD! You're reaching out for resources, meaning you have hope that you can be helped. You obviously have the drive and desire to get better, and I believe in you. I really recommend you call a phone counselling or suicide crisis line for your region - they really can help ground you.

You got this

I know.

I just don't want to live like this anymore, the only thing on my mind near all-day is canceling out and fighting the thoughts. I tell myself I'm not a bad person and I wouldn't EVER do such awful things, which provides some relief I guess, but the possible OCD likes to twist my thoughts around. Sometimes I worry the twisted around thoughts are what I probably truly think... but I hope that isn't the case.

I wish and hope these thoughts aren't permanent, I hope there is a way to permanently end these thoughts. I want to live at my grandparents to avoid my bird so I don't hurt him. Is there a way these thoughts can be permanently stopped or if it is in my head it will be there forever?

I think they can be stopped. What helps me is to think of all of the reasons why I think I am a decent person. I haven't deliberately harmed anyone, I've grown from my mistakes of being a bit callous as a kid into an emotional, empathetic adult, and I try to remain mindful of others. Nothing is permanent.
I don't know how clear this is (I'm pretty dissociated), but I promise you are going to be so okay.

I think we've discussed this before. Don't even try and fight the thoughts. You might as well be fighting yourself. Leave the thoughts alone when they pop in, and just let them come and go, and with practice, I think you'll find they go away on their own, and both bother you less to have them, and also come less frequently. I'd discussed in length, already, what I've done for my own harm OCD.

Remember also, we are thinking of potentialities, when we do this to ourselves. I can do great harm; it doesn't follow that I'm going to. I think we with harm and harm related OCDs (such as POCD), confuse being able to do something, with wanting to do it. The idea of being ABLE to easily kill someone or something, frightens us, because we then think, what's to stop us? Well, we are. Just because I could lay waste to every living thing in my house, doesn't mean I'm going to. Even just writing this, I feel my heart race a little, and the fear is trying to take hold. But I'm not going to, period, end of story, so I just let it go. If you were apt to harm the bird, you have already have plenty of opportunity. You love the bird, yes?

I love my bird and all my pets, but the thoughts of the bird diminished. Now I get thoughts about my 2 dogs and rabbit, like thoughts of *mod edit, (harming them)* ... I care about my dogs and cuddle them, kiss them, pet them, and even walk them a lot. So why would I want to do that?

The problems I have are low empathy, low remorse, and sorta impulsiveness and i'm a liar... but I am honest as possible on those ASPD or psychopath tests and score low on them.

I know I have empathy, I felt like crying because I saw a picture of a bird in an oil spill and seen how sad and scared it looked.

I also have moderate to high amounts of compassion as I practice hugging my pillow and tend to visualize hugging animals sometimes.

I also have remorse because I felt bad for masturbating to prepubescents and I cried/kissed/apologized/and loved up to my bird(I had 11 at one point, they were rehomed and 2 passed away because of natural causes and the other one got it's foot caught in my rug.), so that proves I have the ability of remorse and guilt.

I never hurt animals with the intentions of hurting them, I used to use a shock collar on one of my dogs when he was bad, but I regret and felt guilty for it. I tend to kiss and love up on my animals a lot, and my dreams consist of purring and happy cats, me or anime characters comforting crying anime cats because of nightmares and making them happy and feeling better.).

I used to be a bully when I was 9 for silly reasons, but I quit bullying and I became the one that got bullied(karma hit me well, huh?) and the bullying me and my brother received was hell. I don't get angry when others bullied me or stuff, I just took it and felt miserable though I did have suicidal thoughts and thoughts about shooting up my school NOT to kill anyone, but just to shoot up in the air and let a security guard pin me down, those happened and very bad days though and passed momentarily.

I can feel fear as I had multiple nightmares and stuff because of creepypastas(when I was 9), serial killers and murderers/rapists, and my house being invaded or me or my brother getting killed. When my brother isn't around, I can get worried if he doesn't tell me where he is and I get worried he was kidnapped. I got worried about my pap possibly having cancer, my mom being kidnapped(even though my mom upset me at times and I kinda dread seeing her), my pets dying etc before.

I did have nightmares of child rapists and murderers sometimes because of their very actions, the thought of them doing their stuff(like their crimes played out in my head), made me unable to sleep once I was up the entire night, and the other until 2 A.M. I still felt uncomfortable sleeping the week following those.

I also can feel grief too as I felt it when my dog and great grandmother died. I can still get upset about it when I think about my great grandmother as she was a very kind woman, her house felt at home and I made so many memories there. I cannot imagine what I would do if my brother died, I would probably go insane or kill myself if that happened.

I quit eating red meats and poultry because of moral reasons and the thoughts, I miss ramen and pepperoni pizza, and McDonald's hamburgers... but I cannot eat them if animals are slaughtered like that. I still eat seafood and veggies though, including ice cream as well.

Also I got upset the other day because my pap yelled at my old senior dog(who is 10) because he(the dog), wasn't hungry. I thought it was unfair. But my sadistic intrusive thoughts and urges make me a hypocrite then.. don't they?

I do not have a high pain tolerance either, as I get upset when I feel because it stings.(not crying but pissed off kinda). I did sprain my ankle before to the point I needed a boot, and it hurt so bad I felt sick from "shock" at the hospital.

I know I'm not a psychopath as they can't feel fear, remorse, or empathy, or compassion... but I have autism(I think?) which might be my cause for the remorse and empathy issues. As for my thoughts though, they seem very real and I don't want to act on them... I cannot betray my animals like that after them trusting me and me treating them kindly for 2, 3, 4 and 10 years.

What do you think this is?