I'm done with myself

I'm exhausted.

I don't want people to keep having mercy for me at all.

I was having a good week and everything went bad as soon as a kid walked through the door of my job. I looked at him and felt tdd awkward. Immediately, thoughts started popping in my head about his body. Then came the feelings in the form of semi erection.

Skip forward to tonight where I thought it would be the greatest idea to prove to myself I wasn't really into any of that by looking up questionable porn. It's what my brain wants or not? So I looked up things like Taiwanese boy or similar terms. I tried masturbating, but it didn't work. Afterwards, I started to look up the sex offender registry and looking up videos on child molesters again.

Why did something like this ruin the rest of the day for me? Why is it that I have to go to extremes to reach nothing? I'm currently with a therapist but this is turning into something that's wrong. I have no current diagnosis and i cant trust if its anxiety anymore since my willingness to disprove is a fact to how far my brain indicates me to go.

Someone respond please. I need someone.