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POCD and guilt for the past

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POCD and guilt for the past

Postby intrusivecricket » Sun Mar 15, 2020 7:33 am

Hello, I'm new to the forum and this is my first post, although not new as a guest, as I read this forum many times during my searches and would like to thank the many people who are always here to help others.

As the title suggests, I have OCD. As a quick introduction, I'm currently 26 and male. My symptoms started I believe around my 12/13th year, through "physical" compulsions (handwashing, blowing air to clean, making sure I was falling behind with my breathing rythm and so on), but then evolved to mostly "mental" compulsions (intrusive thoughts, mental rituals), probably started during my high school years, when I was bullied with verbal abuse and the thoughts replaced my bullies. I have mostly surpassed such traumas and thoughts, as I learned and accepted it wasn't my fault. I suffered also from fear of betryal/abandonment, but in the last months I had a series of bad OCD episodes (food poisoning, fear of being a narcissist) which led me to this topic, which as been going on since about 3 months ago.

This episode of OCD has started and persisted mostly because there have been past actions which are feeding the thoughts, that happened when I was 16. I would like to bring them here to rationalize them with you, so forgive me if this is against the rules, as I don't know if it's paraphilia.

The first episode was about a girl I was temporarily in a village with, which could have been 10 years old. A scene of me and her having sex in a room popped in my mind, which got turned me on. Later that day I happened to be with her alone in such room, which caused me anxiety and an erection, but I realized then that I didn't actually like her and was too young for me. I don't recall masturbating on such scene, I believe it ended there.
The second episode was in a gym I happened to attend, where I had to attend gymnastic with a group of children. There was a girl that could have been of 11 years of age, which I found had a "nice butt", which I then happened to sexualize and masturbate about (I also recall the instructor making a comment about it, which now makes me kind of cringe). I recall looking for this girl on Facebook, but got turned off whenever I realized how young she was. In this gym there also were two twins, which could have been 10 (but my OCD fears younger) which I found cute, but I'm not sure if I have ever masturbated on and I have been having false memories about it, but at this point I believe it would be better to assume I did.

Beside those main episodes, I only happened to find a couple of other girls, later on, attractive, but those were about 14/15, which makes more sense to me compared to what previously written.

I also wanted to add that I have been addicted to masturation (to the point of having to masturbate about almost every girl/woman I met) and porn since the age of 14, which in later years brought me to occasionally watch some cartoon porn on the topic, which doesn't help with my OCD.

What scares me is that I can't figure out why I had such thoughts back then when I was 16, as I never had thoughts like that later on. Are they coming back?
I also tried testing my groinal response by watching photos/videos of children, which usually works and calms me down, but I got triggered a couple of times (I read it's normal an mostly due to anxiety, but still) and in one of those occasions where I had groinal response I tried masturating on such photo, but I didn't enjoy any of it as it felt completely forced and unwanted.

I don't think I'm ready to start therapy, as I'm scared I could be reported and have my life even more ruined. I don't know how I would handle such situation.

Thanks in advance for reading this.
intrusivecricket
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