I can't trust myself POCD (I hope) *might trigger*

Throughout the day, I've been struggling to let things go behind me and move on in terms of my mental issues with depression and anxiety. I believe I feel an emotional attraction to children.

This week was pretty good. There was less anxiety and dare I say acceptance. Not of finding children to be attractive in a sexual or relationship sense, but letting go what the "thoughts" mean. I had a moment of clarity in which I realized that I didn't desire children sexually, based on my less anxious and preference for male adults. I still don't know if what I feel for a child is general anxiety or actual attraction. Whenever I try to experience an emotion when watching something with a child, I might smile, or find things funny, which reflects on my mood and makes me feel like I have an incorrect sexual or romantic desire (again, I'm not sure).

However, my anxiety was triggered today. I was watching a video on tough/hard subjects on TV, and one of the subjects was the near-molestation of a child, shown on my screen. My reaction was immediate. I felt like gagging (not sure if fake though) and i couldn't watch the full video. I kept trying to expose myself to it but it didn't work. Now I use that exposure as an excuse of me finding something hot. So I look again to see if anything was "attractive". I analyze everything, the clothing, hair, body or voice. And at the time that I have the mildest of attachment to something specific, I use it to say that it's attraction. I like to say that I don't know, but I think I really feel a genuine attraction, even though the possibility of a romantic or sexual fantasy sounds uninteresting. Yet, my mind still says:"what about his hair? or his body etc."

This opened up the floodgates of negative thoughts. I thought of the time I thought I was looking at an adult and established sexual attraction (I hoped he was an adult), but was actually a child. I remember being hyper vigilant of where my little nephew was, and the strong physical reaction I had when he hugged me one time, to which I promptly left the room. I remember the reaction I had when seeing a minor on TV and having a strong groinal response which prompted me to leave the room and cry in frustration. I didn't know what correlations I was doing in my head, but none of this sounds good.

I don't know who I am today. I was doing so well this week and all these thoughts and doubts pop into my head to carry even more guilt and pain, when all I'm doing is testing the thoughts out.

How can I trust that I'll be a good person in the future? Who's to say that I'm not going to molest a minor or get into children counseling and molest a child? How will I know if I want to have a kid, turns out to be male and I molest him? What if I go to jail?

I worry a lot and just want to be happy. Any thoughts?