HOCD/TOCD a story which may help other sufferers

I’m new to the board, though I’ve been consuming for years, I’ve finally decided to contribute now. In a mid-age male with a beautiful family. I identify as straight and cisgender.

My story, like every other story here, is long and complicated. So I’m going to try and keep it short. From birth to 12yo I grew up in a very anxiety provoking time/society/family. Then I was sexually abused for a whole year. To get over the shame and guilt I start to cross dress and re-enacted the abuse scenes pretending I was a woman. After a while I grew out of it. One day I just realized this is not who I am, neither a CD nor a TG person. So it all went away, and i started to get sexually active with women. Until mid age when all of a sudden, under pressures of life, all my past anxiety and stress came back full force.

At first I thought I was gay. I suffered through it for years until I saw a psychologist and that was sorted out by ERT and a lot of mindfulness and CBT. Then the obsessions morphed into TOCD. I even had a history with crossing over to the other gender, which made this one stick really really hard and longer than HOCD. Until one day I decided to read more about life after post-op etc and I realized this is not me and it’s not for me. With literally a flip of a switch I went back to my old straight cisgender self and OCD disappeared altogether. I still remember it once in a while and think about it, but it’s so weak and powerless that it literally doesn’t do anything for me anymore.

Why am I sharing this? As I said at the start, each person’s story is complicated. But write you town story. Do not read other people’s stories (as I did countless hours), do not compare your past to a genuinely TS person, nor to a newly out homosexual. Those things just makes things worse. For me what worked was fast forwarding and imagining myself as one and it became very clear to me that that’s not who I am and what I want. Unfortunately, when you are under do much anxiety you will believe anything. There are countless examples online... and you can add me to it that at some point I really beloved I was gay or TG/TS. It’s been many months since I’ve had those thoughts, and I highly doubt they’ll ever come back.

Hang in there, and I for one sympathize and am sorry that you have to go through so much pain and agony as I did.

hello and welcome to the forum! Glad to hear of a good story, and I have to agree that trying to compare yourself to folks who really are something, doesn't really help. I did... when it came to sex and gender, because I actually don't fit in the binary boxes. But that's me, and I never dreaded it, either. My OCD did express itself in sexual matters, but once I actually decided what I am, based on hard evidence, the waffling went away. More than once, I've suggested with OCD, we have to choose something, ourselves, and stick to it, in the face of our brain screaming at us that we're something else. Not to suggest someone can change their sexual orientation- I don't believe it's possible, at least for males. I know I haven't been able to. But... in the case of OCD, I think deep down we know what we really are, and of course that's our 'choice'. I just think the symbolism and mental attitude behind 'making a choice' helps to combat the OCD thoughts. I never had classic HOCD, but used to waffle between am I gay, am I straight- in truth I think I'm Bi. And once I 'decided' that, it got a lot better, mentally. Ditto transgenderism. Whatever I am, I don't think I'm stereotypically male, but I know I'm male enough, that I'm not trans. Based on evidence. Actually, my preference would have been to not be male- but I am, and nothing will change that. I'm not going to obsess when I've 'made my mind up', as it were.

Thank you for your reply. I’m so sorry you had to suffer through this, but am also happy to hear you’ve reached a comfortable state now.

I fully agree with you that deep inside we know. However, I do warn that when you are in an OCD cycle where your brain is working in overdrive in search of “the truth” and you have so much anxiety, anything can stick! I think this is an exercise best done when you are fully calm, relaxed, and even removed from your usual environment. At least that’s how it worked out for me.

Also, what helped me was going back in time and reviewing my childhood, only to find traces of OCD going all the way back to when I was 7. It’s been there all my life and it has had a huge and profound negative effect on my progress into adulthood.

But again, every person has to find their own story. The point is to not give up, get help, and to not believe what your brain tells you when are stressed... you will literally believe things which are completely false!

You are absolutely right! Deep inside we know what we are. I never had homosexual dreams nor a desire to be a female. I specifically remember when and how my TOCD started but of course when you are in it as I said before you won’t be able to tell while you are under stress and dealing with OCD symptoms.

Itspossible wrote:However, I do warn that when you are in an OCD cycle where your brain is working in overdrive in search of “the truth” and you have so much anxiety, anything can stick!

Which I think almost everyone in these forums does with their sex/gender anxieties, definitely.

As for me, I have a fascination with sexual/gender deviancy from the norm, not an aversion.

But to illustrate for others, it's like me searching Google for physical symptoms... nothing good will come of that, so I don't do it!! When people start checking... oh... please... don't do it!