Worried & Scared. In Need of Help, Response Appreciated. *TW

I don't know why, but anytime I see the word 'Child Rape'. I feel like my mind is telling me to do it. I don't wanna do it. I'm really scared about this ocd thing. I feel like it doesn't exist or I'm a pedo myself. I don't wanna be a goddamn monster. It's so scary, that I don't wanna go near my sisters.

A couple of days ago, I remember saying how I'm lucky I'm not fantasizing child sex and all. My mind then decided to make this whole fantasizing thing pop in my head. I was so scared. I cried. I felt like a genuine pedophile. If that's the case, I wouldn't wanna live.

Then when I woke up, I had a boner, it's normal to have a boner when you wake up. But then my mind decided to correlate it with bad stuff. It then said how great it would up to use it on... I was paralyzed. I didn't know what to do. I'm feeling like a disgusting human being typing this. I'm really worried someone would call me a pedophile. I hope it's POCD.

I wouldn't chemically castrate myself as I know it doesn't work and will lead me to extreme depression so suicide is my only choice, but I don't know if I'll do it. It's really scary to imagine your thoughts being gone in a matter of a moment. I don't wanna harm a child, but being unknown is worrying. I also love my parents to my heart, to die like this is awkward. But I feel like *mod edit*

Help please, am I a pedo? I don't wanna be one disgusting monster.

I just wanna start off by saying, that I'll probably do it. You know what. I wasn't sure if I was a pedo or suffering from POCD. Most importantly, I was comforted by the idea of people who have POCD won't be pedos. Until, I saw this post on *mod edit*, and wow. I have never been this scared. You might think I'm exaggerating, but I'm just crying horribly. My body is shaking. I'm becoming insane, I love my family and don't want to go away. I don't know what to do. Imagine if you were had the worst crying moment in your life, this is what I'm describing it as.

I don't know if the link is censored but the post is called on *mod edit* as pocd was contactedby actual pedophile trigger warning sick and use. It was about the fact that a pedo once thought it was pocd while working in a daycare, but it wasn't pocd and he was actually a pedophile. Jesus christ. I'm disgusting monster, but I don't know if these words were out of my true intention. I don't wanna live with an attraction based of fantasizing children, and endangering them. Yet I'm confused. I just wish I had a life my parents would be proud of, even if they were dead. That's my life goal. I want to make them proud, like really proud. Having to die, like a hated monster is the least thing I would want. I'm scared that I will soon accept this degenerate attraction. I want to kill myself. I'm a disgusting monster. Yes, I'm a disgusting monster.

I want peace, I want this to be a bad long nightmare. I don't want to end like this. I don't know if this will be the last day, but I feel like it.

Goodbye people. My dad currently noticed that I'm crying, he wants to ask what's wrong. But I'm so scared, I cried in front of him, like there's nothing I could do. It might seem silly to you, but imagine turning into a disgusting moral freak that nobody loves and would want to be friends with. That's who I am and I think I'm done.

You do not sound like a pedophile! You are taking every thing as 'proof' when it is not.

Of course you're going to think the thoughts you describe, because you're so obsessed and frightened that you will have them. You can't think about not thinking something, and expect to not think it.

Are you seeing a professional about this anxiety? You really need to consider doing that.

Thank you. I feel comfortable now. Unfortunately, there's no professionals near me. I live in Egypt and professionals are pretty uncommon, also really religious. I can't afford professionals too. Even if a professional was free and common, I'm too scared to come in. As I don't want to labeled as a pedo out of the blue. It'd be the worst thing ever.

Honestly, the only things that are bugging me is how when I was 13, I used to have a sense of arousal towards my sisters (I don't know how it felt, don't even know if this is arousal, could be something else weird), it later had gone when I found out it was POCD. I felt the biggest sense of freedom ever. I even had erections towards adult women, unfortunately, found out a pic of girl, mistook her as a woman and got an erection, later knew that she was a girl, my penis got small again. I feel pretty guilty typing this, I shrugged it off.

My POCD started once again when I saw this kid, who I thought had a babyface *mod edit* At first, I thought he was going to be new friend, hooray! Next hours, I felt this weird feeling, I was traumatized, that I didn't wanna be near this kid, but unfortunately, this teacher told me to sit next to him. I later got to home, slept then had weird liquid, didn't know if it was urine/semen. Didn't know what dream I had...

I got worried, went to the bathroom. My dad said that I should take a shower. This was my first ejaculation btw. I later felt no attraction towards women, began ruminating, found out it was a common symptom from ejaculating.

I have no attraction towards my sisters, but when OCD hits, I feel like I have false attractions. When I had no attractions towards my sisters, I felt like it was because of the fact I didn't like incest (Which is honestly dumb to think off, maybe my OCD is creating irrational excuses).

I think for your sake, you need to quit naming that video. It's just a video of a cute kid- nothing more. Kids are attractive, because as a species we're wired to equate youth with attractiveness- that doesn't make anyone a pedophile.

As for having weird attractions towards your sisters when you were 13... please show me a 13 year old boy who doesn't have weird attractions for nearly everything including inanimate objects and I'll show you the one that's really weird. 13 year old boys are titillated by so much stuff. I know I was. And you then grow out of it... or you have OCD and you obsess over it and think it's proof you're some kind of pervert, when really, you were just being a 13 year old.

If there is anyone who has a knowledge of how OCD works, I do think you should try to visit them, they will not automatically label you a pedophile. You haven't done anything. You really need to speak with a professional about this, you are letting this get away with you. I don't think you're a pedophile.

Thanks for the response again. The real question is what's a real pedophile? What's the difference between a pedo and POCD?

I don't know. Do 13 year olds find everything attractive due to changes in hormones?

Oh ok thanks. I hope it's free and I hope they know a lot about OCD. What makes OCD, specially POCD inescapable... Is how there's a possibility you could be a pedo, and that's pretty scary. If I become a pedo, I don't know what I would do in my life. I also understand the hate towards pedos, they're known for having correlation towards child molesters (Worst Group to exist), I don't care if not all pedos are child molesters, it's still a scary thing.

I don't want to be that group. It's a nightmare. That's what POCD does, it introduces me to the nightmare. Literally, anytime I sleep and wake up in the night, I get panic attacks and can't sleep. So I use something to calm me down. I go back to sleep for like half an hour till 2 hours. Wake up and panic mode starts. It's like literally a NIGHTmare.

Anytime I see the words kids and or hear a voice of a kid, I get panic attacks. Anytime I see a kid, whether boy or girl, I get instant panic attack, and little arousal, not strong. I try to see if I'm attracted to women. I don't know if I'm or not. I heard that significantly short people are more likely to be pedos. I'm a short guy. And my face, it looks so scary. I get frightened anytime I see my face.

You had an attraction to your sisters when you were 13. When I was 13, I had an attraction to my cousin. I outgrew it. It's normal. Yes, 13 years olds go through hormone changes. It's completely normal, everyone goes through it.

As for being labeled a pedophile, the only way you get labeled as a pedophile is if you commit a crime. If you walk into a therapist's office, tell them you suffer from POCD, and they tell you that you're a pedophile, you get up and you walk out because they're not worth your time.

The difference between POCD and an actual pedophile? The fact that you're scared shitless over it. An actual pedophile wouldn't be scared of it. I've actually met pedophiles. I used to do a lot of sexual stuff online, with webcams and what not, and I ran into quite a few of people who professed their attraction for children. They may not have been proud, but they certainly weren't scared to admit. I agree, they're the worst kind of people, but the fact that you're petrified of this idea says that you're not one.

I'll say again, you should seek out professional help. I'd start with a therapist, have a few appointments with them, then maybe ask if they think you should see a psychiatrist. I have OCD, and I've had it for about ten years now. Both therapy and my psychiatrist helped me out a lot. I still see both of them to this day, almost a decade later, and I thank them every appointment.

I have a similar reaction to your reaction to the word that I won't repeat, but mine is with violence. I don't care where it is, I don't care if it's in a book, in a movie, in a video game, if it's gunshots in music, it sends me into a complete panic. I used to love Star Wars as a kid, but I can't watch the scene where they blow up Aldeeran because the Empire kills millions of people in that scene and it sends me overboard. I think that it'll happen to me, or I'll do it to someone else. I used to love watching Law and Order with my parents, but now half of the stuff I remember seeing in that show haunts me. Even now, as I type this, I'm thinking of the scene that haunts me the most. But guess what? I didn't shoot anyone and no one has shot me. I've sat through scenes of violence in commercials while watching Wheel of Fortune or Jeopardy, and it sends me into a tizzy, but I haven't become a serial killer yet, or murdered someone or anything like that. You asking "what's the difference between POCD and an actual pedophile" is very similar, if not the exact same as me asking, "what's the difference between harm OCD and an actual murderer?"

Do I sound like a murderer? Because everything I've in this thread, you certainly don't sound like a pedophile.

Thanks for helping! I feel so comfortable right now, but at the same time uncomfortable.

Anytime I'm near my sisters, if I'm not focused on POCD, then I won't feel arousal. Anytime I'm thinking about POCD/pedophilia, I do feel arousal. I don't know what's fake attraction, I feel like I do have it (Fake Attraction). I don't wanna accept such a case of degenerate attraction. But I'm in fear that I will soon accept, but I don't wanna!

What I fear of POCD is the possibility of pedophilia, and that's enough to make me paralyzed.
Here's a story, I once feared that I was attracted to my sister today. Tried to test if I'm attracted, but couldn't find a good result. Tried to sleep, I saw like "What the hell? Hopefully my mind doesn't do something awful like fantasizing", later, I saw a girl, I said "STOP! STOP! PLEASE STOP MAN", it was just torturous. Anytime I mention something that differentiates me from a pedo, it comes up in my mind! It was so bad, that I tried to stay away from my sister as far as possible. Hell, tried watching TV, thought it was a bunch of 'kids' and felt like a perv, searched the show's name & then the names of this actors and it was surprisingly guys older than me! It's like POCD can't leave me just alone and let me enjoy life.

I just wish I didn't have POCD, I wish I was a normal functioning human being. I don't wanna accept this disorder-ish 'sexuality'. I just want to enjoy life, I want to be able to search for anything without being triggered or reminded that I'm someone who is suffering from pedophilia even though it's POCD.

It has gotten worse! Anytime I try to sleep. I imagine a little girl, and my mind imagines her as pretty. I don't wanna accept this! I just wanna sleep but my mind just keeps picking on her, it's ###$ up! I can't even sleep without being guilty. I don't wanna enjoy the thoughts themselves and they just won't let me sleep.

Anytime I try to be thankful I don't have what pedos have, it just keeps adding what pedos have to me. I just wanna rest, not be anxious and unable to sleep. Why does POCD have to torture me like this? Everytime, my mind says "You will soon accept your attraction". I don't wanna, I'm not sure who I'm anymore. I will do everything to delete this disgusting disorder (Except kill any loved ones). I just wish castration would work and not increase sex and these stuff. I would prefer to be asexual over being a guy attracted to young ones who aren't both mentally and physically prepared for sex. Why does this have to exist? I don't know.

###$ this disorder. Just let me sleep please. I get tired, start relaxing and BOOM! Thought comes in and it makes me wanna enjoy it! I don't want to enjoy it, but my mind tells me to enjoy and I'm afraid I'm enjoying. So I get anxious, can't sleep until some time. Finally being able to sleep for like half an hour till I wake up again with misery and wondering what I just did.