HOCD

I will try and cut the story short so I don’t bore anyone to death. I was 18 at the time and got with an older women and was having the most amazing time with her when she advised me that i was very similar to her ex husband who she believed was bisexual.

That comment harmed and changed my life severely as I thought did she mean I was bisexual and I started asking her what if i am bisexual and then hit I very dark place questioning what if I am bisexual, am gay and started to get very graphic but also crippling thought of sex with men. I began starting to do weird things for e.g bending over to imagine penetration with a man, kissing walls to imagine my reaction when kissing men and use to do this 50 times a day. This became intensely exhausting asking her for reassurance if I was straight day in day out. I use to wake up and the first thought was doing sexual things with men but this use to continue throughout the entire day 24 hrs. I seemed support and went to see my GPwho pretty much sectioned me and put me into a course of CBT and was diagnosed with OCD.

I have had severe thoughts of kissing and doing things with family members, old men, young men to the point where these images effect my daily life and have left me having a breakdown and taking time off work.

The therapy helped massively which led me to go having a great relationship with my girlfriend who knows everything about my issues and came to therapy with me.

I am now 34 and recently moved in with her and it has hit me hard. I am emotionally breaking down, I have said to her I need to go out and try it with a man to get my answer but its leaving me so depressed and now effecting me relationship.My thoughts of men have and doing stuff with them analysing, testing, checking consume my day 24 hours

I use to love having sex with my girlfriend but we haven’t had sex in 3 months as I keep telling her I think I am Gay with all these thoughts

I went back to see CBT to help manage my thoughts but I am at a point now where I can’t take anymore and just feel like going out there and trying it. I am just worried that if it doesn’t give me 100% answer I will be forever in this situation.

I have been reading recently that some people have done ERP and actually realised they are Gay so could OCD just be denial.

I am going on gay prom nearly every day trying to chase this disgust feeling or dislike but I don’t get it and the more I watch it the more I think I want it. I wake up on a morning and think of receiving anal I think of going to gay bars and kissing men and I feel like I am enjoying these thoughts all the time but I clearly aren’t as I physically depressed .

can people with oCd or sexual them have intrusive thoughts then realise they are in fact gay

Not an expert here, so I could be wrong.
Most people who are gay realize they're gay at puberty, most people with OCD have it due to one thing happening, like a comment or an act in the past.

Thanks for the response, anyone else

Pocdsucks wrote:Not an expert here, so I could be wrong.
Most people who are gay realize they're gay at puberty, most people with OCD have it due to one thing happening, like a comment or an act in the past.

People who are gay realize it long before puberty. Ask any openly gay man, and they'll tell you that they've always known.

It won't happen by having an awkward experience. The fact that this never occurred to you until one remark by a woman you were with is enough to know that this is just some kind of irrational based worry that has no bearing on reality.

I didn't have overt thoughts for the same sex, until I was an adolescent. I identify as bisexual, but I felt it didn't become actualized until I was 12-13. I can't say I 'knew' it all my life... but I do firmly believe, that male sexuality is pretty much fixed by no later than adolescence. And once it is- I'm also of the belief that it's fairly nailed into place. I agree with Jack and Pocdsucks- it simply doesn't jump on you post puberty like that, due to a comment...

My own non-straight thoughts were fully realised by a pederast trying to groom me- and I think the capacity for same-sex attractions was always there, just not actually thought of, in those terms. But once it hit me,- that I wanted him- it was scary (because it was taboo, especially in the 1970s, when this happened), I felt awful... but it was also an intense, exciting desire. It wasn't no, OMG could I be gay? I didn't even really think about that, I just knew I wanted something I wasn't 'supposed' to want.

A gay or bi person doesn't necessarily want to be that way, on one level- but on a deep level, you want what you want and whether you want it or not, by golly, you want it. I wouldn't wish being bi on anyone. And I wish I wasn't. But I also have a resistance to the idea of not being so- I wouldn't take a magic pill. I think most people with HOCD would gladly take a magic pill to rid them of the fear of being gay or bi. For me, doing that may as well be a lobotomy... happiness, but at what cost? The price is too high. It's cutting out part of me. I'd rather live with being what I am. The idea of removing that from me seems hateful, even though I don't like being that. I feel as if I'd be so ######6 dull and without a personality, to be perfectly honest. It also seems alien- how come everyone ain't Bi like me?

And that.... I think is the difference. All the HOCD and fake attractions in the world, aren't what I've described, to me.

Unless on a deep level, you know you're bi/gay, and, furthermore, that part of you recoils in horror at the idea of being cut out via some fantasy method... I have to call OCD on it.

Thanks for the replies.

It’s just getting worse and worse for me now though like from the moment I get up to the moment I go to sleep. Thinking of receiving anal, thinking of kissing men to a point where all the thoughts are become so natural on a daily basis.

My girlfriend said you would know you are Gay about 9 months ago and then I started saying I know I am Gay I feel I know it everyday and ask her what she thinks is I aske her and say graphic things to her which come in my head.

I literally spend hours kissing walls, bending over, thinking about anal sex, I close my eyes and snog the air picturing it to be man and can see myself doing it.

I am chasing this dislike feeling all the time when I analyse the gay porn and just sit and watch and try and role play what it would taste like to give oral and all the other acts.

I am literally emotionally breaking down everyday of my life and feel I have just been living a lie. I look at pictures of naked men online with big penises and have watched that much over the last 9 months I feels like I have gotten to a point where I think I am liking it.

I see straight actors playing gay roles and kissing men but are still straight.

I have been to see a therapist and also a mental health specialist who said it doesn’t sound like you are same sexual attracted but then I feel I am lieing to them saying about all these thoughts and think you know your gay you’re just pretending.

So what makes some gay is it sex, kissing, genitals etc and what makes someone straight.

You mentioned at the bottom Sagna that this could be alsonknowing I am Gay but having the horror to come out.

Have people gone to therapy and come then realised they are Gay and OCD was a lie all these thoughts were true

Blade118 wrote:ou mentioned at the bottom Sagna that this could be alsonknowing I am Gay but having the horror to come ou

No, I did not.....

Snaga wrote:Unless on a deep level, you know you're bi/gay, and, furthermore, that part of you recoils in horror at the idea of being cut out via some fantasy method... I have to call OCD on it.

I was arguing that unless you meet that criteria (which I do not in fact think you do), then I'm calling it OCD. You've just done a very typical OCD thing, which is to twist everything to fuel that anxiety. OCD loves to twist the meaning of words and statements until you don't know which end is up.

Sitting around analyzing the gay porn is not going to fix your problem, because what you're doing is seeking reassurance that you won't find, because it's not possible.

As far as it becoming more natural is concerned, that's because you're a bit more used to seeing it and being exposed to it, that you're less likely going to find it disgusting.

I was kind of in the same situation when compulsively checking to see if I was a pedophile.

I have taken care of so many little boys now that things like seeing their private areas when dressing them, changing their diapers, and bathing and cleaning them got to the point where it felt like I was too used to it that the thought of it wasn't bothering or disgusting me seeing them naked, but it didn't mean I had sexual desires about it.

You've probably just watched so much of the gay porn, and now homosexuality is pretty much a familiar topic and seen a lot in our society, that it just no longer phases you, and you probably are worried that having anal sex wouldn't necessarily be a traumatic experience for you, so you think that you want it and desire it, and that's not true.