OCD, False Memory. Please reply.

Hi! I’m 17, I’ve been struggling with OCD all my life.

My earliest memory of OCD is when I was 13 or 14; I remember it was Checking. The house next door thought they saw someone trying to break in, but they didn’t. But I heard this and it made me shocked and anxious, it was intense anxiety and everytime at night a motion light came on I went full anxiety mode and use to sit looking out of my window for proof there wasn’t a break in happening. I use to look out the window constantly for hours. I got to the point I use to sleep with head phones to stop me from hearing noises but if I heard something I’d sit in complete silence listening for proof of a break in.

My second was when I was 14, I had an argument with my brother, and for some reason I was scared he’d kill me in my sleep. I use to be terrified, my mind was constantly racing, to the point I wouldn’t sleep. I know he’d never hurt me, he’s not like that. He’s the exact opposite but my mind blanked that. It was convinced he is planning on killing me.

Because my imagination is very vivid and detailed, I had memories he’d woke me up by strangling me but it never happened.

Now, I’m dealing with the worst case of OCD I’ve ever experienced. I’m a very sensitive person, I don’t want people asking why this is bothering me because I don’t actually know but here we go:

This memory took place in 2017, I was 15. I was going through puberty and was raging with hormones, I watched a lot of porn, which isn’t a good thing thinking back on it, and I was fuelled with constant sexually intrusive thoughts. I imagined sex, but I was most into anal sex, it was that type of porn. I constantly imagined it and often had vivid dreams of it. In this memory, it all feels hazy and I can’t remember much about it, it just seems like images followed by anxiety. In the memory I was included in a sexual encounter, where I had sex with a women. I can only remember images of having sex with her, I can’t remember her face, the position she was in, how I had sex with her or how long it took, I just remember getting a feeling. I knew who the women was, but in this memory I can’t see her face. I can’t remember when this memory would’ve been but I know where. It then started as a what if, “what if she’s pregnant?” Then I was filled with anxiety(if I remember correctly) and I thought about how she could have gotten pregnant, and my mind must’ve subconsciously created the scenario because I never actually thought of the memory, just about how she could get pregnant. I ruminated and ruminated and realised it was impossible to have actually had sex, which then the memory changed to me “trying” to have sex with her but stopping, I then came to the realisation she isn’t pregnant, I stopped thinking of it but I felt shame and disgust with myself because she was much older than me. This memory then got pushed away and I didn’t think of it for about 2 months where it came back in a nightmare and I ruminated over it, seeking reassurance “am I a monster?” So on, then I got over it. I didn’t think of it again till March 2018, it was bad all through my birthday, I was depressed and ruminated the memory, to find out if I was a bad person, more details were added and the memory felt so real. I didn’t doubt it. I didn’t know if OCD False memories so I presumed it was real. I mentally tortured myself constantly. More details were added then I started thinking I was taken advantage of, but how could I if I was the one “in control” “what if it went in? And I looked for evidence if I’d known if I had sex or not and I just carried on presuming I just “tried” but I couldn’t get the thought of what if I was the one taking advantage. I then repressed the false memories for along time. But, every single time it comes back it starts back at square one, but worse Cus I know more and the knowledge is used against me. It starts back up to me having full on sex, then I spend time ruminating, then come to the conclusion That would’ve been impossible so it’s back to “tried”. This time It came back again around this recent December and now on going, before now I didn’t even think about it. I doubted it once but stopped because it felt so real. More details were there but I’ve realised the details were manipulated and I’ve been remembering things that never happened. But I still think I tried to have sex, and it keeps making me think I was the one who took advantage. I came across false memory ocd and there’s a lot of people who deal with it like me. I just can’t move on, after all this time I feel as though it’s false, even though I’m told it is. There’s no evidence of it. I see images, and I remember the memory as I’m watching it in third person, I can’t think of what I saw, it’s just like mental still images. It’s images then my brain saying “this happened” and I believe it. Even now I’m “remembering” details that just fill me with instant anxiety. She was 26 and I was 15:/