POCD or Pedophilia

Hi, Ive recently had an obsession about a child abuse scene i've read in a book about 10 years ago. The scene was about an old man who exposed himself in front a child and asked him to touch his erect penis. The thought recently just appeared in my mind and had been nagging me since.

Everytime I woke up, I would immediately remember the scene and would be slightly aroused by it and have some groinal response. I have always been aroused by taboo things but would draw the line at child abuse or something violent. I would try ignore it, but it would still stay lingering in my head. So i did the worst thing i could do and decided to test it. I would switch between masturbating to the messed up thought and normal age appropriate thoughts. However, I found out that I was more aroused to the child abuse scene than the normal fantasies. As I masturbated, I told myself that no one was getting hurt and that I need to do this to actually find out if I am a pedophile or not. I imagined myself as the abuser getting his penis masturbated by the child and unfortunately managed to climax to the scene.

Immediately after, I was confused as to whether I liked or didnt liked it. I went to immediately "oh god, i masturbated to a child" and tried to reason with myself that I liked the taboo nature of the thought not the kid itself. But my brain is still going, "You masturbated to a kid and so your a pedophile" or "What kind of person masturbates to a kid if they arent attracted to them". This thought became 10x worse when I saw an actual kid on the street and then I begin feeling stressed, gulity and angry at myself for having let myself masturbate to that a scene of a kid.

Now, im afraid ive crossed a line and that I will become attracted to and fantasize about children or that I will go back to that scene when I masturbate. Im afraid i will do something like that with a child or my own the future. Im scared its no longer POCD and actually pedophilia. I still dont understand completely how I could masturbate to something like this. Now when i have sexual urges, i immediately remember the terrible scene i masturbated to. Scarily i still can get off to this messed up fantasy. Please help.

Pls help me. Im suicidal rite now

How are your feeling now?

First off, please don't check, for the sake of checking. That's never a good idea.

I think that we all have occasional taboo thoughts or fantasies. Personally, I don't stress if one happens. It is easy to fall into a trap of worry over this kind of thing. For me, the best way to avoid that, is to let it go and make the decision not to worry about it.

I could tell you how your don't sound like a pedophile and how it would be different, if you really were one. But in the end, it's something you have to decide for yourself. With obsessional fears I think we have to make ourselves not worry, by 'choosing' not to be the thing we fear.