HOCD 33 year old female

I don't buy that. In fact I'd advise everyone to NOT go to LGBT sites and ask, or look for, signs. At the risk of drawing ire (and please remember, I am Bi, not straight), I'd say a lot of folks at places like that are biased towards telling people they're Gay/Lesbian/Trans. Some of the stuff I hear y'all here in OCD report back, and I'm like shaking my head thinking Where do they GET this stuff? I mean the things that they say in those sites and forums, when they say that means you're gay. No. Just... no. This isn't complicated, although OCD makes it seem like it. If it turns you on, then you're into it. If it doesn't, it doesn't. And I don't mean turns you on when you're busy masturbating, to 'check'. I'm pretty sure I could get off looking at a picture of a giraffe, if I really worked at it. Does NOT make me have a giraffe fetish. I mean turns you on when you just think about it, and not anxiety false attraction, I mean you'll feel terrible if you DON'T get any of that. Which is the opposite of what people say here, that it'll be the worst thing ever if you turn out to be gay/straight/whatever it is that isn't what you really are.

So please, don't pay attention to stories or what lesbians say or anything. I can't cite sources right now without doing a lot of looking up, but I'm convinced based on what an Australian sexologist did back oh three or so decades ago, that the only way women are going to change their sexuality, is if they really, really want to. Men, forget it, it ain't changing. I'm stuck where I am, that's all she wrote. Women are a bit more flexible, but still, there has to be motivation. You're not motivated, quite the opposite. No one of either biological sex, just switches midstream. If they do, then they just been keeping a little secret all to themselves for a while. I'm convinced, by adolescence at the very latest, you pretty much know what you are. And also that most of us are just a tiny bit bisexual... which plays hell with OCD, because when we're obsessed, we want 1000% reassurance. And sex is a very fuzzy thing. If most people, have the potential to commit a homosexual act (or straight act), in just the exact right circumstances- and I think most of humanity fits into that category- then it's still going to drive you crazy, when that becomes your obsession. Even if you're 99-44/100 percent straight, that tiny fraction of a percent, will bug the living daylights out of you. I happen to think also LGBT is a small percentage of Humanity, and so most of y'all, are straight enough, that barring something really out of normal experience, you're straight. But OCD is going to take that stray thought, that what if, and torment you.

@Snaga Thank you for saying what I wanted to say , I am not LGBTQ so I didn’t want to seem out of line with saying those sites are bias. I even took quizes but stopped midway because those quizes are so dangerous oh my god , even as a woman with insane HOCD I knew it was #######4 and insane ... those things are dangerous as hell .

I agree I would have to want to change and god knows I do not ... but guess what ? My TOCD returned and it’s a monster ... like holy hell .

Today I was just laughing with my sisters and then I just felt ... less feminine ? This is out of Nowhere and it happebed like 3 times .

I went to bed and cried .

Last year I came to love myself , my body , and everything about me and now my sex drive is really up and down .

Like I feel like something is being snatched from my identity , I know its stress and anxiety induced but I think TOCD is alot more scarier than HOCD for me .... my womanhood which I had to hide is being threatened like I feel like somebody snatched apart of my soul.

When one fear doesn't work, OCD seems to take up another one, where it left off.

And yes, I do think there's a bias in a lot of the corners of the LGBT scene. I'll be charitable, and say it's Human nature. It's a minority, and it seems fairly logical, that a natural impulse would be to draw others into that, so you'll feel less of a minority. Doesn't have to be anything diabolical, but I think it happens.

I'm not completely immune to that, either- I get pleased as punch, when a questioning individual shows up in the Sexuality subforum, especially if it's bisexuality they're wondering about. I do stop short of trying to convince them, however. Because I get that feeling that a lot of that goes on, and I don't wish to add to that. And because I also have OCD, and know once you get something like this in your head, what others might see as 'signs', I see as 'Oh PLEASE you're not gay please stop torturing yourself!'...... I rarely get what I'd call genuine 'okay this person may not be straight' vibes, in this forum. Or the other way around- we do get gay/lesbian posters that get Straight OCD, and it's as horrible to them, as the thought of being Gay is to you. Because, I think we know, innately what we are, and it's OCD playing off that, to tell us we're not something we previously knew, in our core being, we are.

@Snaga yes it’s awful

And the false memories are what get me too .

I agree when you are young you know your sexuality for the most part and I remember getting to middle school that’s when I was surrounding by pretty girls and changing in locker rooms not to mention I was exposed to gay people already .

I only remember admiring girls and trying to climb the social scale but when it came to guys I had the independence to lust , daydream , and just swoon over them that I didn’t have in elementary school because I couldn’t talk to boys or play with them often .

High School is when I took all of it for granted but those were happy moments I enjoyed privately , I would sometimes get hugs or kisses on the cheek from certain guys and that was enough for me even though I wanted to kiss and be loved by a guy so badly and I was extremly hormonal . I used to see girls kissing and stuff on TV shows and in those teen movies but tbh the kisses / sex scenes that stuck in my mind and I enjoyed them were all heterosexual and it took me up until a few years ago to fully enjoy certain sex scenes .

I keep asking myself if I am suppressing it but I know I am not cuz I am coming to terms with knowing I suppressed my heterosexuality due to trauma and restraint ... I am still not fully embracing it due to judgement ( my family hates the guy I am seeing ) but coming to embrace it and love it is the most comfortable and happy I ever felt . To feel those tingles and understand my body has felt so amazing and I honestly never felt so happy and true to myself .

The hard part now is combating the HOCD especially because I want to be committed and have a child with him , it’s the thoughts surrounding that which disturb me the most right now and are causing me so much stress .

Welp here I am again with my nonsense

The thoughts and the false attractions get worse and worse especially since I cant go outside and take my walks to calm my anxiety.

I am also getting triggers and urges , things that remind me of the lesbian porn I used to watch so recently I “ checked “ like a moron , luckily I can only think of the guy I love nonstop ( even tho we having issues ).

The good thing is that I understand my body now and I know everything that makes me think I want a female is anxiety induced because I waa in this bad place before last year , it feels like a relapse but I know its all mental .

All I know is that men make my vagina sing and my mental condition does an almost good job trying to make me think women do the same thing to me I look back at my life and thee was never a comparison at all I just was very insecure around men and that insecurity still eats away at me .

I understand whats real and fake now but its just the thoughts existing at all that bug me plus having somwhat relatiobship issues .

Ya’ll .... It’s driving me crazy

Basically I am going through horrible relationshio problems and I vented to a few people cuz I been hurting and my OCD voice keeps telling me I am gonna do better and have good memories with a woman and its making everything worse.

I tried accepting the thoughts and the voice but oh my god now every woman is attractive again and everytime I talk about men and how I wanna be with one I feel like I am not being genuine and trying to hide that I am a lesbian or bi .

I thought I was bi when I was curious but I swear I never look at women and wanna date , kiss , or have sex with them it was just a “ I wanna try this “ type thing . I thought it was true because I was getting that feeling that I get now ( groinal response ) but I am almost in my mid 30s and honestly while boobs are admirable ( I sometimes want better ones for myself or a good push up bra ) women having sex or being naked / scantily clad ... I would imagine my reaction is similar to that gif of Smither from The Simpsons hiding from the female strippers .

I say this as someone who used to watch alot of lesbian porn because I like oral pleasure and straight porn lacked it and also I was in such a bad place mentally . I knew I wasn’t gay or actually bi cuz while I was curious I am very big on kissing and when I imagine kissing men it was always mind blowing like I naturally got horny to kissing tall men with good tongues lol . I only genuunely and blissfully imagined kissing men , I felt ashamed imagining sex but not anymore .

I just hate this and the relationship drama is making it worse ... it’s soooo bad

I don't like the term, 'accepting the thoughts'.

It implies that we admit to being our fears, and I don't like that. I know that it's not actually what people are telling us to do, but it comes off sounding as if it means to say that you ARE that.

When it comes to my harm OCD... for that matter, when it comes to my own bisexuality, when OCD tries to make hay of it, I.... simply would refuse to entertain the thought as being real, but at the same time, take the attitude of, 'so what?'...

So for me, in your place, it would be like:

"Well I don't care if I'm a lesbian, it's no big deal. But I'm not, so this is a silly notion, anyway. In any event, I'll worry about being a lesbian, when I start having sex with other girls, not before, because I'm not one, and even if I were, so what? it is what it is."

That... is accepting the thoughts, to the extent that you accept the presence of the thought. And you accept that it's not the end of the world, if you were one. But doesn't give the thought any legitimacy. Just tell it it's a dumbass thought, then make a point of not giving a rat's ass whether the thought is there, or not.

OCD thrives on getting attention. The more you can make yourself ignore it... the less power it has over you.....

@Snaga yes I agree with you 100% I don’t agree with them but sometimes I just accept then and I can even laugh at the absurdity

But yesterday got insane and just ... I don’t know

Cuz everytime I see lesbians in my instagram feed or anything I always feel like I enjoy it and I am wondering if I like women subconsiouly but when I expose myself I am like “ What on earth does this do for me ? I’d rather be looking at a man and a woman “

I had thoughts all night and I again I know whats real and fake but now I feel like what if its subconious and thats whats scaring me .

The TOCD is back and I just ...... I mean it never lasts more than 48 hours but the combo of TOCD and HOCD is awful .

I came to love my body and myself last year I love my curves I love my breasts I love having female genitalia and I am anxious to finally let the guy I love see me ... we are having issues right now but I do believe we are going to make love actually very soon and when we do it’s going to be amazing and everything I wanted . I actually have OCD about our situation alot too but it doesn’t bother me as much as TOCD and HOCD .

But today I was in the shower and I was like laughing at TOCD and then a thought came in of me feeling non binary which started causing me stress .

I love being a woman I love feeling sexy and I love being straight .

But this is killing me idk why I always feel like a lesbian or bi and I went through a potential bi phase ... it was something I wanted to try and as I got older especially last year I was like wtf am I thinking and that was due to lesbian porn but I never wanted to be with a girl romantically or crushed on them . I still only think about kissing guys and just started allowing myself proper thoughts of having sex with them ... I used to think I was too ugly to have such a desire so its all very new to me and I am still shy about it but I love the thoughts because unlike when I was bicurious I smile and feel butterflies and I am giggling when I think about having sex with guys especially the one I love . Then I get thoughts saying “ You just havent foujd the right girl “ and I want to die .

I am so dumb I checked again ugh

I keep noticing womens behinds and such and today I saw a butch who looked like somone I can’t stand and I was starring to see if that’s who it was and then my mind said “ you think she’s hot “ and now I feel like I did think she was hot.

I cant even look at women in tight clothing or with cleavage or scantily clad without feeling attracted to them .

I think women are beautiful and sometimes hot but not hot enough to wanna have sex with but I wish the bicuriosity and me being a virgin would leave me alone.

The OCD is telling me now cuz I am a virgin I dont really know my sexuality so I could be a lesbian or bi and idk how much I can take .