Hypotheses about pedophilia and pedophilia-OCD

Hello everybody,

as you can tell from the title the topic of my post is kind of delicate, but nontheless it might be of great importance to some folks. People that are either scared, disgusted or infuriated by this topic are requested to leave the thread at this point. Everyone else is invited to read further and maybe change his point of view or even benefit from my hypotheses.

At first I am going to summarize the course of my own suffering, which made me dedicate myself to this topic. I am 21 years old and suffered from POCD for at least 2 years. It all started at the age of 14 when I started googling pictures of girls of the same age for masturbation. (Note: I've never looked up anything illegal!) What started as a youthful mistake later turned into a huge nightmare for me. I'm pretty sure many POCD sufferers can relate. I remember the fascination I felt back then (wich is understandable in the ecstacy of puberty). As I grew older I still looked at those pictures and even at pictures of lower aged girls. Somehow this "hobby's" shadiness gave me a huge thrill. It was a way for me to escape my own very strict conscientiosness and do the exact opposite of what my morals were telling me. I never actually cared much about it, since I did not harm anybody by looking at perfectly legal pictures from fashion-stores etc. Also all of my girlfriends were age-appropriate and I liked them a lot. But at the age of 19/20 I gradually realized that I might have developed a problematic "hobby". I slowly started to creep up to me that I might turn (or might already have turned) into a pedophile (or hebephile or whatever you may call it). At this point I developed POCD and the checking (which most POCD sufferers propably are familiar with) started. It was this very disease POCD (wich originates from very high conscientiousness and moral standards as most OCDs) that made things even worse. When Instead of what a less compulsively assessed human would have done (stopping this behavior and stopping the pointless rumination about whether or not he might be a pedophile) I jumped into the topic and the testing/checking for signs of pedophilia. I therefore did not stop to use such pictures for masturbation I instead (with the best moral intentions) started to compare the arousal from such pictures with the arousal from pics of age-appropriate women. This of course (as every POCD sufferer knows) does not help you at all. There was no point of enlightenment where I could surely tell if I was or wasn't a pedophile. The OCD tricks you in all kinds of ways and sometimes makes you believe you are 100% pedophile while something inside your brain still knows that you are not. These mechanics only got worse between 19 und my current age of 21. It all ended after a long terrific journey of shame, self-hatred and fear when I seeked help and started a therapy in one of the best psychological clinics available. This was the very best thing to do! Now I have buried my fear of being a pedophile and I'll tell you why.

Now here are my hypotheses:

1. There is no actual sexual orientation like pedophilia
You might be hetero- or homosexual. But being interested in a specific age does not sound logical to me. We all were young once and at this age we all were "pedophiles". We did not really understand things like sex but we surely were interested in our peers. When we grow older the age of the partners we are interested in ages with us. At least that is the way it is supossed to. However there is a huge lot of reasons why this development might be disturbed. Maybe one has experienced sexual violence at young age, or grew up in an environment with a lack of boundaries. Something in the process of splitting off from one's parents and developing an autonomous sexual identity was inhibited. Maybe social anxiety (which is common among pedophiles) prevents one from approaching age-appropriate partners. If this underdevelopment is supported by one's behavior (like masturbating to pics of younger people which might compensate for a feel of powerlessness) things become even more problematic. Over the course of a few years this compensating behavior might manifest and become a weird fetish. If one is not able to overcome this vicious circle he might accept this "fetish" as his sexual orientation. The bad stigma that comes with pedophilia enlarges the feel of shame and powerlessness. Breaking out from this vicious circle seems impossible.
If you went to far on that wrong way (watching illegal material, sexually assaulting a child) it will be a lot easier just to blame your "wrong" orientation, than admitting that you just never dared to develop further. That is why many experts state that pedophilia is untreatable, and for those who do not have the strengh to give theirselves another chance this might even be true. But POCD sufferers generally would do ANYthing to avoid their biggest nightmare to come true. And even if you identify as a pedophile, but are willing to invest a lot of energy you could be able to break free aswell.

2. Your fantasy is not your fault
Harming a child by abusing it for your own pleasure surely is your fault and it is within your own responsibility to never let that happen. That said, having problems while developing your own sexuality is NOT something you should blame yourself for or feel ashamed of. I myself had a very problematic childhood and there are plenty of reasons why I felt this empowering thrill while performing my "hobby". Still I had to end this behavior completly (not because I was harming anyone) but because it was hindering my development. The only one I was harming was myself.

3. There is no way to test if you are a pedophile
The only thing that makes you a pedophile is the attitude that you need children to pleasure yourself. What makes you a non-pedophile is the decision that you don't need that and that you deserve an age-appropriate partner.

4. The link between POCD and pedophilia
POCD sufferers doubt their own sexual-maturity. They might not feel an actual need to pleasure themselves using children, but they somehow fear it might be their fate to do so. As you might imagine this is the same self-doubting direction that might in the end make you a pedophile. The testing and all "positives" push you further down that road.

5. It takes a lot of effort and devotion
Developing a strong mature self-image and an appropriate sexual-identity takes a lot. Esspecially when you have already entered the vicious circle of self-hatred, fear and shame.

Solution/Treatment
To get rid of POCD-intrusive thoughts and possibly even pedophilia

1. Seek help and take care for yourself
This might be the hardest step but it is indispensable. Take care for yourself and do not focus to much on your sexuality. At first you need to approach the problems/traumas that brought you in that bad situation. Develop a fitting and stable self-image and forgive yourself for what you might have done. You need to accept that even if you feel like a pedophile, that does not mean that you are doomed to stay so for the rest of your life.

2. Stop the checking (or pleasuring)
As I mentioned it is completly pointless and only strenghens your feelings of shame and self-hatred.

3. Do not try to prove yourself that you are normal
There is nothing that turns you off more than the attitude of being insufficient. Also as I have already mentioned development takes time and effort. You must stay optimistic, take things humorous. When you are ready your heart will show you the way to find a fitting partner. Do not set yourself under pressure. Also try not to use normal porn. The way sexuality is displayed has nothing to do with the reality of a romantic night together. Because of that porn might feel repulsive in a way.

4. Do not fear children
There is no invisible force that may force you to be attracted or even harm a child. It is all inside your mind. If you decide, that even if random fantasies pop into your mind, you do not need and do not want to act on them, they will become weaker over time. See children for what they are. Innocent and funny human beings that need our protection and are not interested in sexual activities. Also see yourself for what you are. A grown up that needs and deserves the love of an age-appropriate partner.

5. Shame, guilt and fear are your biggest enemies
Those are the feelings you might have had when you were young. Propably they were what inhibited you from a happy and successfull development. They are what makes you stagnant and stuck in your horrible situation. Finally get rid of them. They never helped you in any way! Instead feel proud of your courage to fight your problems and love yourself for that. They are not many people that dare to face their own demons. Realizing how brave that makes you is key to your healing.

6. Love is all you need
The Beatles are right. We fall in love when we can relate to someone. Whe seek for partners that are fitting for us and equal in a way. Once you have developed a mature self-image you WILL find someone age-appropriate to fall in love with. Someone that loves you and wants to share time with you. Even if you think this someone does not sexually-attract you, do not worry. Sex is not the most important thing about relationships. In fact it is quite irrelevant. Keep that in mind. Nontheless it can be a lot of fun and I'm sure that everyone who is open-hearted and optimistic sooner or later can have a fulfilled sex-life. When love hits you, your brain becomes flexible. There will be the moment where you just feel like having sex with your partner is the right thing to do. At this point you will notice how enjoyable sex can be and that the physical appearance of your partner is not important. You will get used to your partner's body and you will start to love it, even if your brain is used to childrens' physical appearance. Familiarity is what attracts us. Get used to grown-up bodies and over time you will prefer them over childrens.

7. Do not give up
I myself have trouble from time to time to stay optimistic. But remember when you were a child; How open and opportunistic you perceived the world and yourself. Maybe you even were persuaded you could fly, if you only believed hard enough. Now you know that you are of course not able to fly. But if the little you even considered that a possibility, it surely would have considered developing a grown-up's sexuality as something easily doable. And that is the point. We have a lot of energy when we are young in order to grow up and develop. Doing this when you have already grown up is harder, but definetly not impossible! You might have lost a lot of energy back then because of the struggles you were facing. Maybe developing a mature sexual-identity was not you subconscious priority. Maybe you had to face way bigger threats. Thats why step 1 is so important. You need to end your misery in order to face new development.

A few words in the end
I met a lot of great experts and people with similar problems. I read nearly everything you can find online about pedophilia and POCD. I invested a lot of time and effort into coming up with my hypotheses/conclusions. Even if my case is not too bad (i always had age-appropriate girlfriends and therefore had the chance to develop a preference for grown-up bodies) I am pretty sure that things could also have gone a lot worse. If I had not seeked therapy, I might have lost myself within the fear of pedophilia wich might have ultimately ended in being a pedophile. I really put a lot of effort and thinking into these theses and I feel like they might help a lot of POCD-sufferers to realize how useless it is to worry and ruminate about this topic. And maybe, just maybe, it might even be helpful to some people that identify as pedophiles but want to change their sexual-identity. I really think that believe can make a lot of things possible. Just like where there is a will there is a way!

While we can no longer discuss actual pedophilia as a main topic (paraphilias are not allowed in PF), we do talk about POCD quite a lot, and there's a lot of positive things in your post! I think people often confuse fantasy thoughts with real world wants and desires- often time, yes of course they reflect things we at least think we'd like to do- but I have fantasies that in no way do I want them to come to pass in the real world. With OCD, we tend to confuse mere thoughts, for things central to our core being, when that simply often isn't the case.