What even is this?

I keep checking to make sure im not turned on, and im not. But now I am afraid I am attracted to little girls wearing their swimsuits. I checked to make sure I wasn't turned on and again I wasn't, but the pictures look so sexualized and I feel disgusted by it. Another intrusive thought came up as well,
Possible trigger:
it was about me creating a child porn forum or making an account for one to become a child pornstar and upload videos of myself masturbating. Back in August 2 years back, I went to a site and I didn't make an account out of fear but I was so curious what it would be like, but then the guilt kicked in and I decided to report the site. I am afraid that I will masturbate to children, both pictures and thoughts and act on them.

So I decided to place every preventive measure for it. I am not turned on by the thoughts or pictures, but I got suicidal over the times I used to masturbate to pictures of nudist kids ages 2-15 years old and fanatasied about them peeing or someone painting their genital area when I was 12-13. I don't want to be a pedophile, it took control of my life. I want to catastrate myself, become a female, or just pull the gun and give up with everything. I am unpopular in school and I don't have much friends so that also effects me too. I hate pedophiles, and those memories ruined my good memories. Even during those times I thought I wasn't a pedophile. Is it possible I could be a pedophile in denial? What do I do if I AM a pedophile? I dont know how I could live with being attracted to children, the thought of it reviles me.. I just think I should end it before I become a pedophile