HOCD - I’m genuinely begging people to help me

Hello, I would just like to make a brief summary of my issues before I begin explaining. I’m currently a 19 year old male who has had OCD for 7 years on and off. It began when I was around 12 and has been re-emerging in spikes over the near decade, however the current spike I’m faced with is the worst one and I feel trapped like there is no other way out except for death.

During this spike it has been completely awful and it’s been ongoing for nearly half a year, there are some moments where I feel fine but most of my day is occupied by battling these thoughts, when I wake up I’m plagued with them, when I go to sleep they are there, in the day they are there, when I hang out with friends they are there. They are genuinely horrible intrusive thoughts which I cannot take anymore and I don’t know if there genuine attraction or admiration.

When I think of a guys body I never am given the feeling like I want to peruse a romantic or sexual relationship with him, I just feel admiration like I would like to be that guy when I see a good looking guy, I’ve never gotten a boner either but when I begin to dwell on it it feels like I’m being attracted to it and the idea.

However when I think of a woman I get a boner within 30 seconds and if I keep dwelling on the thoughts I get extremely aroused unlike when I think about men together.

It’s gotten to the point where I no longer envision being married to a woman and it feels like I am secretly attracted to men but I’m not acknowledging it and I’m hiding it when in reality I know for a fact I’m not but at the same time the way my mind is functioning is perplexing. I don’t know if I’m making sense but it just feels like I’m a zombie at this point functioning mindlessly in regards to the way my mind processes sexual attraction. It just doesn’t feel normal or like it used to half a year ago.

I really cannot take thins ocd anymore and I would just really like it to stop so I can continue living a normal happy life, I would rather live as a hermit my entire life then ever experience this OCD again and I just really want it gone. I’m most of all fearful that I’m gay and I’m unaware of it but that would make no sense. I really just want answers, I get scared when I see other people saying it wasn’t HOCD and it was having a same sex attraction all along.