HOCD I'm going crazy

So here's the thing. I have HOCD, at least I hope I have it. It started a long time ago, when I was around 13-14. Now I'm 18. I've always had crushes on guys, last time about two months ago, but I recently found out he likes another girl, which I think may have triggered this. I've always considered myself a straight person, but the thoughts have almost always been there. Even when I had crushes on guys. Sometimes I didn't even pay attention to them, which makes it even worse now, because my mind's telling me that must mean I'm lesbian. I hate to even write this, but this false attraction (at least I think it is) is killing me. I feel like I'm genuinely attracted when I think of a girl, but then I either start panicking because I don't want to be attracted to them, and then the circle of checking and panicking again starts. My mind keeps telling me that I'll only be happy if I admit I don't like guys, but it just doesn't feel right.
The worst thing is that I've had this for so long, I've never had a boyfriend which makes it even worse, so now my mind's telling me that all those "you don't have a boyfriend because you're secretly lesbian" thoughts were true. Also, I can't stop thinking about this and all the time I'm afraid to let the guard down because I'm scared that I'll be relaxed and still think this stuff. And of course, then it happens and I just can't help but feel like I'm coming out. I don't know what to do, if it's really HOCD or I'm so deep in denial that I convinced myself of having HOCD.
Whenever I really manage to escape those thoughts (which is like an hour a day combined) I just don't feel like gay. If I think about a girl in that way I'll still get that (I hope) false attraction, but I think that's from being in alert mode all the time. Anyways, if there's someone here with similar experience, let me know

Also, sometimes when I'm calm I get this thoughts and I feel like I actually enjoy them. Then my thoughts keep telling me that I'm finally honest with myself and always known that I was homosexual. Then I start panicking and when I manage to calm down I think I'm straight, but it doesn't last for long. Can this happen because when I'm panicking, I always convince myself that it's false attraction, but am scared that I will have the same response when I'm calm (or I think I'm calm). I can't take this anymore it's driving me crazy

Well I think if you were really 'not straight', part of you would be unmistakably excited by the same sex. I think it's pretty normal to find your sexual footing in the teenager years and be questioning of yourself. I also think young teens can find themselves thinking of all sorts of things, and experimenting, but once you pull away from 13 or so into your late teens, I reckon most of them have it figured out by then. If you've never really thought about other girls without the accompanying fears and obsessive anxiety, then I would say you're straight.

Snaga wrote:Well I think if you were really 'not straight', part of you would be unmistakably excited by the same sex. I think it's pretty normal to find your sexual footing in the teenager years and be questioning of yourself. I also think young teens can find themselves thinking of all sorts of things, and experimenting, but once you pull away from 13 or so into your late teens, I reckon most of them have it figured out by then. If you've never really thought about other girls without the accompanying fears and obsessive anxiety, then I would say you're straight.

Thank you for answering. The worst thing is that it lasts for so long. Also, I'm so scared that these thoughts are gonna be here when I calm down and I will get a reaction, and of course it happens. At first I feel like I actually like it but then I get extreme axiety attacks. I hope it's a false attraction. But at the times when I manage to convince myself I'm straight I'm so happy. I'm happiest when my attraction for men is here, but it lasts only for around half an hour when the thoughts start again and then it feels like the men attraction was forced. I don't know how to end this, it's killing me and I just want my attraction for men here all the time.

For me, it seems as if people with sexual orientation OCD (we do occasionally get straight OCD in here) need to look back to before the fear, and try and step outside of their own mind, and objectively look back on what turned you on, and what didn't, and what you would want/think/desire- before the fear set it. Before that 'what if' popped up to torture you.

And then go with that.

I'm Bi, more or less. I can't say I had HOCD but I did obsess a lot, a lot of hand wringing, a lot of thinking I'm gay (and hopeless) or I'm straight and just making myself miserable for nothing. Until I did the above. And I have to say, I'm in the middle. Based on my entire history since adolescence- teenage experimentation excepted- what happens around puberty, stays in puberty and same-sex experimentation isn't an indicator, from what I understand. Once I looked back dispassionately, I was able to 'choose' something and stick with it. Not that we can so easily 'choose' our sexual orientation, but as people with OCD, heck yes- you know deep down what you are, or you wouldn't be constantly doubting the voices that tell you you're something that you find frightening. So you choose what you were before the fear, and stick with that.

I'm not saying it's that easy, but it seems to me, that's a start. OCD is more than anything, stubborn. We have to out-stubborn it. Rational argument won't work, reassurance is so much cotton-candy. We have to stubbornly stick to the truth.

Snaga wrote:For me, it seems as if people with sexual orientation OCD (we do occasionally get straight OCD in here) need to look back to before the fear, and try and step outside of their own mind, and objectively look back on what turned you on, and what didn't, and what you would want/think/desire- before the fear set it. Before that 'what if' popped up to torture you.

And then go with that.

I'm Bi, more or less. I can't say I had HOCD but I did obsess a lot, a lot of hand wringing, a lot of thinking I'm gay (and hopeless) or I'm straight and just making myself miserable for nothing. Until I did the above. And I have to say, I'm in the middle. Based on my entire history since adolescence- teenage experimentation excepted- what happens around puberty, stays in puberty and same-sex experimentation isn't an indicator, from what I understand. Once I looked back dispassionately, I was able to 'choose' something and stick with it. Not that we can so easily 'choose' our sexual orientation, but as people with OCD, heck yes- you know deep down what you are, or you wouldn't be constantly doubting the voices that tell you you're something that you find frightening. So you choose what you were before the fear, and stick with that.

I'm not saying it's that easy, but it seems to me, that's a start. OCD is more than anything, stubborn. We have to out-stubborn it. Rational argument won't work, reassurance is so much cotton-candy. We have to stubbornly stick to the truth.

The thing is, this has been going on for so long. I always had low self esteem, and when I found out what homosexuality is, I just thought that people see me as one and I must be one (since where I grew up people aren't really open minded). And when it once began, it never stopped. I've always told myself "you shouldn't feel attracted to girls" (although I never was, at least I think I wasn't) and of course, when you tell yourself you shouldn't do something, your mind does it. And it was always like I was suppressing the attraction I didn't even have. Also, told myself "you should like boys" and what happened was that I lost the attraction. And now, my mind is telling me I never even liked guys, but just 'programmed' my brain to think I like them. I just want to feel full attraction to boys and stop obsessing with this. When I think I might be homosexual, it just feels like someone is taking away my identity. I'm starting therapy next week and I'm so scared that the therapist will tell me it's denial...

Also, I've always compared myself with other girls and always felt like I wasn't feminine enough. So I think that my picture of myself affected how I imagine relations with guys. I always found them attractive, but imagining kissing or sex gave me anxiety. I read that it can be due to low self confidence and I feel like that's the thing. And my mind keeps telling me I only find excuses because I don't want to admit I'm lesbian. Also, about those thought: as I said, the worst thing is that I get those images and scenarios in my mind that I'm with a girl also when I'm calm, but that's what I fear the most. Today I let the thought just be and although I did feel that I like it for a moment, I didn't try to fight it and it went away and I felt better and I didn't find it so scary anymore (because I kinda for a moment realized that it was false attraction and I wasn't lesbian). Does that mean I'm getting better since all those thoughts only seem to cause positive response right when I fight it and don't want it or it just means I'm accepting I'm homosexual? Also I tried to leave the thought of being lesbian alone and not fight it and it didn't cause anxiety, but it still felt like I'm not. Am i just lying to myself? I'm tired of everything and of keeping to ask for reassurance but I can't help myself.

Hi again! So I already asked about this, but now I have kind of a new question. Is it normal for OCD thoughts to pop in even when I'm relaxed? Or at least I think I am. Every morning when I wake up I randmly think of cuddling with my crush (male crush, I'm a girl) and it just feels like there's no attraction, like I'm forcing it and the image is replaced with one of cuddling with a girl and for like a brief moment it's like I'd actually want it and it feels good, but then I start panicking and the extreme anxiety kicks in. Is the mind really so powerful it can make you think something feels good? Because as soon as I start panicking I get thoughts like "you almost came out of denial, you know this is real, it's the first time you're honest with yourself" etc. I don't want it to be real!!!! I just want to be able to feel full attraction for my crush and other men.

This has been going on since I was around 13, now I'm 18. And of course my mind is using all the time passed against me. When I was quite young I used to watch porn (out of curiosity) and I remember finding lesbian porn quite boring. But it's like my mind's playing with me and convincing me I liked it.

The worst thing is that thoughts of being with another woman come when I'm relaxed and for that second it feels good. That's what I'm always most afraid it would happen. And it happens. Is it because I'm scared or I'm just so deep into denial? At this point it just feels like I'm denying something I'll never be able to get over.

And honestly, I would just want someone to tell me this happens to them and I'm not lesbian. Please if someone has any advice, how to overcome this??

Anyone? Please? I'm going crazy and just think I'm lesbian. I just want this to be over and realize I'm heterosexual but at this point it seems like I'm just trying to find any possible excuse and I'm actually homosexual.

I find it convenient to think of OCD as something living in my head without permission.

From that point of view...

hey25 wrote: Is it normal for OCD thoughts to pop in even when I'm relaxed?

Very. My intrusive harm thoughts mostly come when I've first composed myself for sleep. How else is it going to terrorise you if it doesn't sneak up and pounce?

I know intellectually that OCD isn't a monster that lives on terror, but it's handy to treat it as it were... from that perspective, yes, it will hit you when it thinks you're relaxed.

Our OCD brains don't want us to be content. In a way, it's almost like part of us is addicted to anxiety. When it isn't there, our disorder will find a way to change that, it seems.