HOCD I'm going crazy

Thank you for the reply. I just don't know anymore. I honestly feel like I'm just in denial. The thoughts are persistent for like 5 years and it seems I was never even really attracted to guys. I feel like my life has been a lie and these days when I get "good moments" when I don't think I'm homosexual, my mind always tells me it's because I'm used to thinking I like guys. Like I was forcing it. If at least I've had a boyfriend before, so I could know for sure. I used to find guys attractive, but imagining sex or kissing them would give me anxiety (I think that's due to my social anxiety and very poor body picture). Does it look like I'm just trying to find excuses and avoid inevitable?

Snaga wrote:I find it convenient to think of OCD as something living in my head without permission.

From that point of view...

hey25 wrote: Is it normal for OCD thoughts to pop in even when I'm relaxed?

Very. My intrusive harm thoughts mostly come when I've first composed myself for sleep. How else is it going to terrorise you if it doesn't sneak up and pounce?

I know intellectually that OCD isn't a monster that lives on terror, but it's handy to treat it as it were... from that perspective, yes, it will hit you when it thinks you're relaxed.

Our OCD brains don't want us to be content. In a way, it's almost like part of us is addicted to anxiety. When it isn't there, our disorder will find a way to change that, it seems.

So I just experienced something very weird and disturbing.
I've got some good news from my family and was happy. I had a good phase (that lasted around half an hour) and I felt that I was finally getting better and maybe I could see the end of this suffering. I was happy and relaxed and in a moment I just thought "you're happy because you're going back to your imaginary world/denial, but you'll have to come out sooner or later" and it didn't really bother me. I tried my best not to let the fact that it didn't bother me to bother me. And I remained relaxed. And the feeling of emptiness just hit me. I didn't feel any attraction to the opposite sex. And I was sure that I never even felt genuine attraction to boys. I tried to let go of the thought, but now I'm just panicking and shaking. This is starting to feel more and more like denial than HOCD... I'm going to the therapist tomorrow and I'm terrified that we'll come to conclusion that I'm really not straight. I honestly feel like I'm losing it and I don't feel like myself anymore. I read a lot of stories about coming out/symptoms of denial and it's just starting to feel like I'm in denial. I DON'T WANT IT!!! Is it normal to feel this complete loss of the attraction for the opposite sex, even when relaxed? I just feel that if I remain relaxed I'll just realize I'm lesbian and there won't be going back...

Hey I'm a girl too with HOCD and I've had a similar experience. I've been afraid ever since middle school - right when you'd normally start feeling sexual attractions. Makes things a little murky, doesn't it? I was quiet and lacked self-esteem too and being around some girls made me feel sorta masculine. I get you! I was afraid to know my orientation through high school. I had a few crushes on boys but nothing impressive. At times I was so scared of feeling anything for girls that I couldn't even watch cartoons that portrayed female characters. It's hard and humiliating and terrifying!
I still have HOCD, but I'm in a stable relationship with a guy and I'm learning that I have to trust that whenever my mind doubts my attraction it's just the OCD. Also, as hard as it is to accept that you may have some attraction to women (I know I do), know that it's actually super super normal! Anywhere from noticing that a girl is pretty to fantasizing about sex with one is normal (you are not crazy or weird if you do enjoy thinking about or looking at women). At the very least, we can see beauty in everything and appreciate it, even in our same gender. Also sexy stuff is hot, and your brain is wired to do something with those messages, regardless of the subject.
I definitely experience my attraction to men shutting down if I'm worrying about it. Think of it this way: Imagine you were terrified that going to an amusement park would feel wrong and you'd discover that you actually do hate amusement parks and you're more of a state fair person. Would you have much fun on the rides that day as you constantly checked your level of excitement? Probably not. But you're so amped up you can't force yourself to relax and actually have a good time (like you have in the past when you were less worried). Same difference!
Needing to be conclusively and indisputably straight is what your OCD wants. But it's not actually possible, and that's kinda how it's supposed to be! It's important to remind yourself that not knowing, or mostly knowing is safe and not going to hurt you. It's so hard and it took me a long while, but I'm learning that I can appreciate a beautiful woman. I can even fantasize about them and I'll be alright. I dunno how bisexual I am, and there's really no way I could ever know with certainty. How do you measure that? Don't think about it too hard tho, your amazing OCD mind will want to find a way haha.
The interesting outcome of managing your OCD is that you actually learn more about yourself and know your desires better! Fighting it puts you in a world of confusion.
Also, if you're this scared of it you are probably not a lesbian! This is textbook HOCD, so remember that if you notice guys and want to be around them you're probably at least bisexual (which is a scary idea but there's nothing actually dangerous about liking both sexes).
Ugh being a teen is hard, and there's a lot more at play with your mind than just the HOCD. If nothing else, seek therapy and remember that you will come to terms with all this and you'll be ok. I promise!

hey25 wrote:Thank you for the reply. I just don't know anymore. I honestly feel like I'm just in denial. The thoughts are persistent for like 5 years and it seems I was never even really attracted to guys. I feel like my life has been a lie and these days when I get "good moments" when I don't think I'm homosexual, my mind always tells me it's because I'm used to thinking I like guys. Like I was forcing it. If at least I've had a boyfriend before, so I could know for sure. I used to find guys attractive, but imagining sex or kissing them would give me anxiety (I think that's due to my social anxiety and very poor body picture). Does it look like I'm just trying to find excuses and avoid inevitable?

I'm in the same boat. Been there for the past 5 years. I have been better for some time now, as in I was able to ignore most of it, but still think I'm gay if I thought about it. But I brushed it off.
Today I just feel like I realised that I've always been denying it because I'm homophobic. I feel like I have accepted that as the reason I can't accept being gay or bi. I'm having a panic episode right now, because I truly believe I've come to the full realisation and that's truly how it is. And I feel like I'm kind of calm with it. So I came back here looking for reassurance, but it won't help, because I'm actually gay. I don't know what to do
Snaga, the mod, also says they've obsessed about it and all, and I feel like that's happening to me. Before this, I don't think I ever had a second thought. I thought I was straight until 16. I had girl crushes (I'm male) and always fantasized about being with them. Then this started. I can't even imagine how it used to be anymore, I feel like I was still a kid back then and just didn't realize what my true sexual orientation was. Now I'm having all of what you're saying and more. It's literally a 0% chance that I'm straight and yet I still hope or am desperate that I'm straight. But it's all probably because I'm homophobic and afraid of the society. That's all And I feel my life is ruined.
I don't seem to ever get excited for girls anymore, and looking at guys it feels inside as if it excites me, even though I don't really get a true erection. I do to girls on the other hand, but I just feel empty, like it doesn't really excite me, but only because my mind associates it with porn. And I've been a heavy porn user since I was pretty young. I just don't know anymore, I'm gay