My Final Post - HOCD please help

In this post I will give all the information I’m able to regarding my situation I’m the past and now with HOCD.

I’ve had different forms of OCD all my life since I was 7 years old, my HOCD originally got me when I was 11 and since then it came back severe and went away in the span of weeks to months, right now just like my episodes in the past this one marks as the worst, I’m 19 now and I’m going to explain my situation.


So recently my HOCD has taken a turn from the worse, I find myself daily comparing to see if I’m attracted to women and if I’m attracted to men, it always ends up as me never getting genuinely sexually turned on to men and I always get a boner and the urge to persue women. I’ve always and still am disgusted by the thought of having a sexual or romantic relationship with a man, however I keep finding myself unable to hang out around my male friends or watch TV shows with a male actor, I don’t feel exactly attraction towards men however I feel admiration when I see someone ripped like I want to be them, I feel desensitized from comparing that I just feel numb when I compare, I don’t feel attraction but just numb or thinking to myself that a guy is good looking without being sexually attracted.

When I see a woman I feel genuine urges to persue them sexually and to be with them and protect them, with men I just feel grossed out or immediately lose any erection I had, I get some genital responses that aren’t erections, however something that extremely disturbed me was when I had a wet dream where I was trying to block off porn adds and there were pictures of penises coming up, I got really disturbed from that dream and it made my OCD a much worse.

Are these wet dreams normal or do they really indicate that I’m gay, for me the worst thing and it would be the end of my life if I was gay, I would probably commit suicide. Please help I can’t function normally on a day to day basis without this OCD taunting me and ruining every second of my lige

You know, we also dream about things that worry us, so...

Please stop trying to read 'gay' in everything, you'll never come up with a 1,000,000% proof (which is what your OCD says it wants, then if you actually got it, it'll want 1,000,001%) and you'll just drive yourself mad with checking and testing. For us with OCD, I really do think we have to decide what we are based on our life before we got obsessed over something, and stick to that. For normal people, you can't decide you're gay or straight- I'm bi, and that isn't a 'decision' that I could make on a genuine sexual orientation level. I could, however, 'decide' that I was Bi, from an OCD standpoint, and quit obsessing over being gay (or straight). Very very rare that I don't feel as if a poster here isn't what they say their base orientation is, usually straight, occasionally gay with I suppose you could call it SOCD. Look, you were straight before all this, I think you need to decide you're straight, and stick to that story and try to ignore the intrusive thoughts that you're not. It's hard to do but it's not magic, it takes practice. Please try to decide to not worry about being gay, until you are, you know, having gay sex or something. Then... you can worry about it. Until then, these are just unwelcome ideas with no substance. Checking will only muddy the waters.

Why do I feel as if I am when I really have no attraction to Men, I feel like I am hiding something and like I cannot shake this off, what do I honestly do because I've never felt worse in my life.

This can happen to anyone and doesn't mean necessarily that you are gay. It's your initial gut feeling toward men romantically that you should pay attention to than to fleeting images flying through your mind.