HOCD-knew it was true for a long time, now accepting it

To briefly summarize my story. I had quite a few OCD related problems in life (obsessively washing hands and refusing to touch things,
cursing my mother in head and having to admit it to her constantly, afraid I'm attracted or in love with my mother and a few more).

These things first started occurring when I was about 10 years old (now I'm turning 21).

4 years ago my friend told me that he's afraid he might be gay (he also has HOCD) and soon after I also started obsessing about the same thing.
I was always fantasizing about girls. I remember I was mastrubating to pictures of nude girls when I was 10-11 years old, never really had any
thoughts about men in sexual way, at least not that I would remember for sure.

I started looking at pictures of nude men and monitoring how aroused I was getting (visually looking). My compulsions still remain to this day,
I think of the guy mentioned below and I visually check or feel with hand just how aroused I got. I do this in private, on train, in school...
I try to hide it but I know people notice.

Pretty much immediately after I started doubting my sexuality I realized one of my class mates is arousing me and he's arousing me, I don't find him good looking, I just find him VERY sexual.
Everything about him, his lips, his head, his hands, everything on him is so large and wide.
Just typing this I'm getting very aroused (and I don't even care, I don't get anxious, I don't feel any different anymore even if I'm getting aroused).
Every day, wheather I see him or not I think of him and I'm getting aroused because he's so sexual to me.
He is the one I'm obsessing about the most by far. Other men arouse me too but I'm not obsessing about others as much as I am with him.

I'm sorry if this is sensitive but I feel like I want to describe the way I'm getting aroused: I think of his face and his lips and I get aroused, my penis gets enlarged and swollen,
writing this I got a "semi-boner" but usually it's a little less than that but still an obvious change. I also feel VERY aroused, he's so sexual to me that I get really aroused.
I don't often think about very sexual stuff about him, just his face mostly, seriously - just writing about him I'm so aroused and I don't even panic or anything, I don't even care, I still
feel okay with no anxiety.

For last year or so I was feeling relatively ok, still checking and having compulsions but not to the point that it was making me useless. I stopped my medication about 5 months ago
(was on 150mg of Asentra/Zoloft). 40 days ago things took an ugly turn. I was starting to obsess a lot more again (had a lot of free time in between so maybe that contributed), felt
very depressed, wasn't eating almost anything for a week and started taking my medication back. After about 10-12 days my mood started to improve. I wasn't depressed anymore but I was still
checking my arousal and thinking about the class mate mentioned above for the majority of the day. I could still play video games and not check then but for example even when I was helping
my father with wood work I was constantly feeling my penis with my hand to check just how aroused I was getting because I was constantly thinking about him, when I wasn't thinking about him
because of obsessive thoughts I was intentionally thinking about him because I was trying how aroused I would get. 10 days ago things again started to go down, I was again feeling more down
and depressed, didn't really want to do anything, still had my appetite however. I was also starting to feel like I'm accepting that I really am attracted to men (I feel like I knew I was for
about 2 years now but still didn't want it and still didn't think about accepting it even tho I felt like I am accepting it in between and knew that's the only way, I ignored it even tho I deep down
knew it was true). I could feel okay but didn't want to because I know I could only feel okay about everything because I'm accepting it. I could think that I know it's true and I could get aroused
and still feel just fine, it's like it didn't bother me. I didn't want to feel good because of this (I didn't want to accept the fact I'm accepting the reality). Multiple days happened where
I knew I really was attracted to men too (so bisexual) and still felt ok, I could think about that this is me and I'm accepting it and still felt okay.
I knew this is because I'm accepting it. I could think of that class mate and got aroused and it didn't change my mood.
When I was thinking of him to see how aroused I would get I didn't care whether I got arousal or not, nothing changed my mood.

After third day (not in a row and not for a full day but in the same week) that I felt like I don't care and I just accepted it I called doctor and ask to seek help with psychiatrist.
I was talking with the nurse on the phone and she said that there is nothing wrong with this and that it can be hard to accept the truth about yourself. These kind of words should trigger me
but because I accepted everything they didn't, I didn't feel any anxiety or anything even tho she said that. I got to the doctor and he said that everyone is on a spectrum and I just have to
find where I am. This was my first visit at this doctor but I explained to him everything about how it started and my problems and my history with OCD.
I asked him that if I know I really am attracted to men and especially to that class mate in particular if that means it's true or could OCD somehow caused everything (I know it couldn't cause
things that I have but I still asked) and he said "well if you know then you know". Words like that should make me anxious but they didn't. They didn't because I really accepted everything.
I knew I could accept it fully but I didn't want to. I didn't want this. I didn't want to accept everything even if I knew I could. I called my mother and had almost 2 hour talk over the phone
telling her that I don't want to accept this even if I already did and I knew I could and I knew this would solve my problems. I just don't want this to be the truth. I don't want it but I accepted it.
Day after I had a doctor again (not a psychiatric) and I asked her if this could be caused because of OCD and she said "It's very unlikely that sexual attraction like this is caused by OCD". Again words
that should make me anxious but they didn't.

I'm going through my day and feeling okay and laughing with my friends even when all these happened and I know I accepted it. I can't believe I accepted it. I'm refusing to feel good because I don't like the fact that I accepted it.
I don't want this to be the truth but it is. I don't want to be what I never thought I was before 4 years ago. I can't believe I'm accepting this in real life.
I can't believe this is my life. I don't want to be bisexual. I now just need to fully accept and deal with it.

What do I even think? I don't want to be bisexual and I don't want to accept it. But I am and I did.

Even when writing all this there was no anxiety and no saddness, I feel good but I shouldn't. I was very aroused and didn't care when describing my class mate, writing this now makes me think of him again and I again get very aroused
and don't feel anxious or anything, I don't even care. I don't know why I have to be this, why does it have to be me. I'm often enjoying it now, not resisting at all,
I don't even care and I don't even check for how aroused I got.
Why did God or whoever created me made me like this...

I can't believe I have to live like this and that I have to accept myself as bisexual. I was still giving myself false hope for two years now even tho I knew it's true.
Now I don't have any hope that it isn't true and I'm not even panicking about it. I'm just getting aroused and I'm not anxious or sad or anything. I really don't care and I should.
I don't want to accept this.

Is there any hope for me? what do I even do? What do I think of myself? I can't believe I'm at a point where I'm accepting it and I will live with it. I don't know what to
think about that. I hoped things would turn out differently even if hope was false. I would like to go back to ignorance with my false hope.

I'm constantly getting aroused and I don't even care and I still feel good and I could just do other things and be happy and accept it. I can't believe I really accepted it.
I want that I don't accept it but that's not an option. I want that I have hope but that's not an option. I want to believe this isn't really the truth but that's not an option.

Can't even believe I was so ignorant for the time ignoring everything even if I was constantly getting aroused by him and I REALLY REALLY find him so insanely sexual and get so aroused by him every single day.

The way he arouses me is real and I know it's real. I don't even know why I'm writing this. It's like I want to hear I'm not bisexual even if I really am getting SO INSANELY AROUSED by him. I also see people say it's anxiety that feels like arousal but I don't feel any anxiety what so ever. My arousals are real. I don't want this to be reality but it is.

I don't know what to do, I can just live like it's nothing and I just accepted it and that's it but I don't want that so I'm resisting it. I'm trying not to be happy even tho I could be.
How can I be okay with this? How can I be just okay that this is me? That this is truly what I am? I should be panicking because I accepted it and everything and I should feel sad. But I accepted it
so I don't feel any of that. I don't care for arousal, I don't care that I find him so INSANELY sexual.

I don't even know why I'm writing this, I can't believe I accepted it and I'm just fine with everything.

I just want to go watch tv now like it's nothing even now I'm aroused by him and I have a semi-boner because I imagined his face. No anxiety ever. I feel okay no matter what... The only time I start to feel some
anxiety is when I think that my father said some homophobic stuff or when I think that my friends won't really like that.

My story is also objectively different from typical HOCD stories. I'm actually getting aroused and I actually find him sexually attractive. It's not maybe or something. He's SUPER sexual to me, very very sexual. I get very very aroused just when I think about his face. He's so sexual to me. The most sexual thing in existence.

I really don't know why...

Well... maybe you are... what do you want us to say, how can we know what you are feeling and especially on an ocd forum? Your post must be very triggering for ocd ppl and especially with hocd.
Now, you should still find therapy because you are still obsessing, maybe you don't feel anxiety but we can see the distress in your post, maybe try to find the input of an ocd specialist and of an other therapist because whether you think that it's ocd or not, you don't seem to be in a great mental state at all

jj19 wrote:Well... maybe you are... what do you want us to say, how can we know what you are feeling and especially on an ocd forum? Your post must be very triggering for ocd ppl and especially with hocd.
Now, you should still find therapy because you are still obsessing, maybe you don't feel anxiety but we can see the distress in your post, maybe try to find the input of an ocd specialist and of an other therapist because whether you think that it's ocd or not, you don't seem to be in a great mental state at all

I knew my post is nothing like others. I'm actually bisexual, even reading your response I didn't feel that much anxiety. Just hit me in the chest a little and felt some heat through my body. I'm done, I can't believe this is my life.

I'm not even sure what I'm saying. I could do whatever now even after all this but I'm just going to go to sleep even if it's only 9PM. I don't know what to think. I should be losing my mind but I'm not.

I'm actually bisexual

-- Fri Oct 04, 2019 8:10 pm --

Yeah, I'm just done. No hope for me. I don't know why I don't feel worse. I've read another comment of yours comforting someone telling them they have same as 99% of HOCD sufferers but mine obviously isn't anything like that. I'm actually bisexual, I don't know why I don't feel bad now and why I don't feel like crying. I'm going to have to fully accept that I'm bisexual

well, you don't have anxiety but it hits you in the chest and you feel heat ? hmm.
There is in fact hope for you but i think that you really need to find a cbt therapist, and maybe an ocd specialist because it seems that your are really suffering right now, i know how obsessions can be debilitating and confusing, but let me tell you that your mental health doesn't seem good right now and i guess that you should really try to find a therapist to treat this

jj19 wrote:well, you don't have anxiety but it hits you in the chest and you feel heat ? hmm.
There is in fact hope for you but i think that you really need to find a cbt therapist, and maybe an ocd specialist because it seems that your are really suffering right now, i know how obsessions can be debilitating and confusing, but let me tell you that your mental health doesn't seem good right now and i guess that you should really try to find a therapist to treat this

It only hit me very slightly when you said it. There is no hope, others have hope, others aren't what they fear they are. It's quite obvious just from reading. Mine is different. I really am bisexual. You know it as well. The only hope there is for me is the hope that I wasn't telling the truth which I 100% was.

You clearly think it's much more likely for me that I am bisexual than others on this forum, I'm not even sure why I'm trying to force something out of you. You're just being honest. I'm bisexual and that's it. The only psychiatrist I need is the one that will help me cope with this. I realize that fully in past days.

I'm only getting anxiety when I think about how others will accept me now. I can't believe I got here. I always knew but I can't believe I got here. I can't believe I'm at the point where other bisexuals often are where they are only afraid because of others. Nothing else gives me anxiety. I'm done. I want to be sad but I'm still feeling okay. I want to be suicidal because of this but I'm not. I want to cry but I can't because I'm not sad. I still feel okay and good.

My case is not like case of others with HOCD I really am bisexual.

-- Fri Oct 04, 2019 8:48 pm --

I need cbt to accept what I really am I accepted it almost but not fully. I know. 4 years of OCD for something that is true. I'm not even sure why I'm saying I can't believe I'm at this point because I can. I want to say ###$ TO WHOEVER THAT MADE ME but I can't because I don't feel that way. I'm still happy and I can accept this. I just don't want to accept it even tho I can

I never said that, i didn't even thought about it, let me tell you that i don't even know who i am, so i can't know who you are, and i'm really serious. i can tell you you're not bi, you'll tell me you are, and then i can tell you you are and you'll still not be good about it, because you are obessessing. Now, please answer to my questions, did you follow some therapy, especially cbt, did you see an ocd specialist? And will you do it?
You're saying you feel good, but it doesn't feel so, like you feel very distressed right now.

I'm looking askance at this thread, as well.

If you really are bisexual, why don't you start a topic in Relationships->Sexuality and we'll explore it. I'm Bi.

If you are reluctant to, then I don't know what to tell you. OCD is very clever at mimicking what you expect to feel if you are the thing you fear. I never feared being bi before being bi. I never feared, anything, just didn't like what I knew I was. There's a difference.

jj19 wrote:I never said that, i didn't even thought about it, let me tell you that i don't even know who i am, so i can't know who you are, and i'm really serious. i can tell you you're not bi, you'll tell me you are, and then i can tell you you are and you'll still not be good about it, because you are obessessing. Now, please answer to my questions, did you follow some therapy, especially cbt, did you see an ocd specialist? And will you do it?
You're saying you feel good, but it doesn't feel so, like you feel very distressed right now.

I'm going to psychiatrist and psychologist but they aren't ocd specialists. Now I feel happy and even if I know I accepted that this is indeed the truth I still feel happy and I want to do other things and have fun even if I know all this.

Is it possible that I haven't actually accepted everything like I said I did? I was obsessing about acceptance for few days as well but that was after I felt like I accepted it for few partial days. Even if I think about that I accepted it and everything I still feel happy and everything, no anxiety. I'm not even sure why I'm asking this again because I know I accepted it but I don't want this to be the truth (not even sure about this) even tho I feel happy and everything. Is it possible I haven't accepted it and maybe I'm just happy and want to do other things because of Zoloft? Probably not because I still start feeling bad if I think that my friends wouldn't accept me but I don't feel bad if I think "ok I'm really bisexual".

I also didn't want to feel happy even tho I could because I didn't want to accept that I feel ok even if I know I am bisexual. But now I feel like I just am happy no matter what. I'm not even scared of the thought that I actually accepted it and this is it at the moment. Is it possible that Zoloft is doing this or maybe that something else is? Or does that mean that I actually accepted it? I want to hear that I didn't and that there is maybe still a chance for me but other answer doesn't scare me like it should either. I don't know how to feel I just feel okay about everything.... I want to be scared and I want to feel anxiety if I think that I'm actually bisexual but I'm just fine with everything it seems. Is it possible that I'm not fine with it? That I haven't really accepted the fact that it's 100% real and I'm actually bisexual (even if I'm convinced I did)?

Snaga wrote:I'm looking askance at this thread, as well.

If you really are bisexual, why don't you start a topic in Relationships->Sexuality and we'll explore it. I'm Bi.

If you are reluctant to, then I don't know what to tell you. OCD is very clever at mimicking what you expect to feel if you are the thing you fear. I never feared being bi before being bi. I never feared, anything, just didn't like what I knew I was. There's a difference.

Because I was struggling with this for such a long time and now I'm just that... I don't want to be bisexual and I don't want to start a thread like that. I don't want to accept it (not sure if I really don't want to).

I guess it went from HOCD to just not wanting to be what I am. I still have HOCD most likely (or it ended few days ago because I accepted). I should be panicking writing all this and reading comments like this. You're basically telling me "what the hell are you doing on OCD forum, your post belongs somewhere else".

I was afraid of it for the whole time even if I knew it (was giving myself false hope because I had HOCD) and now for a week I just don't want to be what I am.... Writing this I should go into panic mode as well but nothing, I'm just typing this stuff calmly like it's nothing. I can't believe I actually accepted the truth. I want to do other things and I don't even care, I really accepted that this is what I am it seems... I don't want to be at this point... I can't believe it's really my life and I'm like that. Someone told me about his issues with HOCD and I started to have the same issues within days. Never thought I was attracted to males ever before. Now I'm here actually accepting it.

You don't seem very happy, and you still feel very scared. I still think that you are struggling with obsessing and compulsive thoughts, and idk if your therapists are practicing cbt but you should consider to see a cbt therapist to help you stop obsessing and being in this distress state. Now you may have accepted it, so what? i can accept being a banana, does it mean i'm a banana?. In the same time, i understand what you are going trough, you worst fear doesn't even give you anxiety and feels real to you, i would say that it's suprising you've never saw you attraction to men before, because majority of person who actually are attracted to men knew it since puberty. But anyway, now you need to stop obssessing, i don't think you're bi, but maybe you are who knows? because that's here the real problem, not bisexuality, because nobody here is in your head, you say you're bi and you don't accept it, ok maybe, maybe not, but while you're obsessing about it and don't treat it i'll not get better. Once again, i'm gay and let me tell you that ocd is lot worst than being bi or gay or whatever, here, your issue is definetly obsessing.

jj19 wrote:You don't seem very happy, and you still feel very scared. I still think that you are struggling with obsessing and compulsive thoughts, and idk if your therapists are practicing cbt but you should consider to see a cbt therapist to help you stop obsessing and being in this distress state. Now you may have accepted it, so what? i can accept being a banana, does it mean i'm a banana?. In the same time, i understand what you are going trough, you worst fear doesn't even give you anxiety and feels real to you, i would say that it's suprising you've never saw you attraction to men before, because majority of person who actually are attracted to men knew it since puberty. But anyway, now you need to stop obssessing, i don't think you're bi, but maybe you are who knows? because that's here the real problem, not bisexuality, because nobody here is in your head, you say you're bi and you don't accept it, ok maybe, maybe not, but while you're obsessing about it and don't treat it i'll not get better. Once again, i'm gay and let me tell you that ocd is lot worst than being bi or gay or whatever, here, your issue is definetly obsessing.

I know I'm obsessive about it. Now not even that much. I'm not sure if I just accepted it and I don't even feel obsessive about it. I just feel ok now and I will just do other things even tho I know I really am bisexual. I was just checking again 15mins ago even tho I don't feel very obsessive at all and I got very aroused and my groin size increased quite a lot. I'm definitely getting aroused, really really aroused, the way he looks to me is so sexual and I get so aroused... Typing this I again think of him and get aroused. It feels like strongest arousal ever but my groin doesn't get max aroused. It is true that I'm not imagining anything sexual however, just his face. Just typing "his face" makes me think of his face and I very quickly get aroused and my groin size increases.

And I really do feel happy or at least good, I'm definitely not in a bad mood no matter what happens. Maybe it's the pills (went from 150mg Asentra to 200mg, today is third day on 200mg so symptoms can get even worse but they didn't get any worse for me).

When I'm intentionally thinking about him or look at him I get VERY aroused and I get much larger groin (usually a little less than semi-boner, but the difference is obvious and it get's very sensitive and I get a very strong arousal if I touch it).

Typing this I was aroused and had increased groin almost all the time because I'm thinking about his face in my head, again typing this out I get even strongly aroused... and not matter how aroused I'm getting I'm still 100% calm and don't even care (or care very little). My mood doesn't change in any way. And even if it doesn't and I know it doesn't because I accepted everything I still feel good.

I know I have OCD. I know I have it because I had it since I was a little kid. I never doubt I don't have OCD because I can just think of all the OCD issues I had in the past and it's clear to me I'm ill in my head.

Even if I know this however I also know that this now is real. I truly am 100% serious when I say this. I know it's real. And I still don't get any anxiety even if I know this. I just feel okay like it's nothing. Typing that I know it's real and really thinking that (not just saying it in OCD fashion) I don't panic at all, I feel just like if I was saying something casual, mood doesn't change at all... Does me not panicking and just being okay with everything mean I accepted it? If I also know I accepted it? I want to think I didn't accept it even tho I know I did...