Still Suffering Because The World Blows (POCD, I hope)

Sounds as if it's gotten to a part when it's arguing that you won't be able to control your actions? That, despite any conscious intent, you will be driven to do something horrible?

I'm terrified that I might snap one day, yes. All I want right now is to talk to my therapist and to be hugged. It just doesn't feel like things will ever get better.

My harm OCD tells me I will do that.

Instead of retyping, allow me to cut and paste something I said on another thread:
obsessive-compulsive/topic214122-10.html#p2234424

I think, we think, that if we can imagine something, and are capable physically of the act (shooting someone, touching a kid wrong), we equate that with that it must happen, as if we were possessed, or mindless automatons. Despite all those years of not having done anything, right there, in the rear view mirror.

At some point, my OCD will argue with me that I won't be able to help myself- I'll do it in my sleep, or I'll snap. Because it would be (physically) so.... easy.... but having the capability to do something you fear and think is terrible, isn't the same thing as wanting to do it, or destined to do it. If you let it OCD will tell you that you will be a puppet on a string, unable to control your actions.

While there are certainly mental illnesses where a person might not be in control, this ain't one of them. What we fear, in part, is LOSS of control... We are ultimate control freaks. And we have to have faith that we are not our intrusive thoughts, and we're not going to get possessed as if we were robots. You find pedophilia odious. You're not going to do anything. Period, that's your story, stick to it. OCD can't be reasoned away- at least, I am not able to. I out-stubborn my intrusive harm thoughts. I am not going to harm or kill., because **I** said so. Can I? Yes. Does it play out in my head? Yes. Have I ever? No. So.... what makes me think I'm going to start, now? Nothing but OCD screaming at me like a two-year old. So I let it squall until it gets tired of it and goes away.

And definitely don't do the mental checking, right?

And, I've asked a lot (well, a few) people if OCD can make it feel like you mentally enjoy your fears, and like you want to do it, and thus far they've all said yes.

WhyDoIExist wrote:And definitely don't do the mental checking, right?

Nope!

Okay, I'll try not to do it. I'm still not doing too well, but I guess that's a given.

Well, I know it's hard.

My harm OCD is a bit simpler. Sexuality is... I don't want to say fluid, because I don't believe it is very. But ambiguous, might be the word. And we hate ambiguity in our anxieties. Sexuality is fuzzy. Nor do I happen to think that anyone is 100% free from errant thoughts and fantasies. We are designed to glom onto youth, fertility, apart from morals, I believe. Pedo/hebe/ephebos take that to an unhealthy extreme, by my way of thinking.

I think it's not remarkable if someone gets an occasional thought or dream or even fantasy involving underage, or any one of a number of taboo subjects- it doesn't make you that, though. Just makes you human, and normies understand it is just thoughts and not something they're in danger of doing. But we have problems with that, when we have OCD, because we have to tear every thought apart for motive and intent and worry about the future, no?

Stands to reason, as far as know.

Also I've been worrying about my lack of anxiety as far as my fear goes today, but that's not the first time that's happened.

OCD always trying to get you back on the worry train...