Still Suffering Because The World Blows (POCD, I hope)

I'm broken. I've done my mental checking compulsion at least five times is the last couple of days, and I hate myself. Nobody cares about me, and the whole ######6 universe wants me to be Goddamn miserable! I hate being alive! The thoughts are so ######6 real, I could just *mod edit* myself! This world can go ###$ itself! If I weren't such a Goddamned coward, I'd *mod edit* right now!

hang in there....

Hopefully you've been to your next appointment by the time you read this, I hope you really open up to them.

As for the thoughts, we want to escape our thoughts, our anxiety. I also struggle sometimes with what I call suicide ideation- it's.... I think generally, it's our minds making a lot of noise. What I, what I think most people with OCD want, is just some rest from it. We want to run, and keep running- but you can't outrun yourself, so the mind thinks of 'ending things' when really, we have no wish to do so. Once I thought of it like that, well, it made sense.

Hey.

Um, sorry for how graphics the original post was. I guess I didn't realize that wasn't appropriate. My bad..

I will be going to my therapist at 4 this afternoon..

No problem. Look forward to hearing how it went, as much as you are willing to share, of course. As with them, I don't believe you are pedophile.

So, turns out I actually have to reschedule my appointment because my mom can't take me today. Yeah...

Well just hold out till then.

I'm imagining they will be lean on trying to reassure you- you're going to have to decide on your own, that you're not a pedophile, I'm guessing. Reassurance is only so much cotton candy for us.

Sometimes it feels like I mentally like the idea of abusing kids, or that I'm attracted to them sexually...

That terrifies me...

WhyDoIExist wrote:That terrifies me...

It's meant to.

I often view OCD as a living thing that feeds on fear- it will do whatever works, to keep the meal ticket going. What I want to do, is cut off its food supply- if I don't give it fear, it gets weaker and less able to generate that fear. At least, that's how I approached my intrusive harm thoughts.

Part of me just wants to remove my hands so I can't hurt anybody... The worry has been awful...