Tocd relapse

Hello everyone, I haven’t been in this forum for a long time now but I feel the need to let my feelings out: I’ve been dealing with ocd doubts about my gender identity for two years now, I’ve had good times and bad times, it all started randomly one night without any previous sign, I was happy as a guy, I used to fantasize about my future husband (I’m gay btw) and I was the happiest I could have been cause I was finally starting to live peacefully with my sexuality. In two years a lot of things have changed, I spent countless nights awake trying to recall every little thing about my past to prove myself I am not trans, I spent hours in front of mirrors trying to understand if that body felt like mine but what doesn’t feel mine right now is my mind: I lost who I was and now all I do is obsess over this possibility.
It’s eating away at every certainty I had in life: I used to enjoy masculine clothes, now I don’t know if I do anymore, I used to enjoy my body and I wanted a muscular figure, now I don’t know if I do anymore, I used to like intimate relationships, now I ruin each one.
I just don’t know what to do anymore, I can’t talk, walk, breathe without my mind making me question every single thing I do from the moment I wake up to when I go to sleep. I just want this to end and I don’t know if I can resist anymore

Crybaby92 wrote:Hello everyone, I haven’t been in this forum for a long time now but I feel the need to let my feelings out: I’ve been dealing with ocd doubts about my gender identity for two years now, I’ve had good times and bad times, it all started randomly one night without any previous sign, I was happy as a guy, I used to fantasize about my future husband (I’m gay btw) and I was the happiest I could have been cause I was finally starting to live peacefully with my sexuality. In two years a lot of things have changed, I spent countless nights awake trying to recall every little thing about my past to prove myself I am not trans, I spent hours in front of mirrors trying to understand if that body felt like mine but what doesn’t feel mine right now is my mind: I lost who I was and now all I do is obsess over this possibility.
It’s eating away at every certainty I had in life: I used to enjoy masculine clothes, now I don’t know if I do anymore, I used to enjoy my body and I wanted a muscular figure, now I don’t know if I do anymore, I used to like intimate relationships, now I ruin each one.
I just don’t know what to do anymore, I can’t talk, walk, breathe without my mind making me question every single thing I do from the moment I wake up to when I go to sleep. I just want this to end and I don’t know if I can resist anymore

I'm sorry if this is selfish, but I want to ask. You said you finally started living peacefully, were you in denial? If you read any of my posts, did you feel that way? I think I'm actually gay and it's not OCD, the feelings are all too real I'm just in denial.

Just reading about enjoying your masculine figure, I feel like I like it. $#%^....

hocdsufferer wrote:
I'm sorry if this is selfish, but I want to ask. You said you finally started living peacefully, were you in denial? If you read any of my posts, did you feel that way? I think I'm actually gay and it's not OCD, the feelings are all too real I'm just in denial.

Just reading about enjoying your masculine figure, I feel like I like it. $#%^....

I was not in denial, I just didn’t feel good about my sexuality and it took me time to do so. But from what I can tell you are experiencing similar symptoms to me: I too have the constant fear of being in denial about my gender identity and, as someone who went through a journey of self discovery regarding my sexuality, I can tell you that if you actually were in denial you wouldn’t ask yourself if you were or not, you would just avoid the possibility.
The feelings aren’t real it’s just your mind playing tricks with you

Crybaby92 wrote:

hocdsufferer wrote:
I'm sorry if this is selfish, but I want to ask. You said you finally started living peacefully, were you in denial? If you read any of my posts, did you feel that way? I think I'm actually gay and it's not OCD, the feelings are all too real I'm just in denial.

Just reading about enjoying your masculine figure, I feel like I like it. $#%^....

I was not in denial, I just didn’t feel good about my sexuality and it took me time to do so. But from what I can tell you are experiencing similar symptoms to me: I too have the constant fear of being in denial about my gender identity and, as someone who went through a journey of self discovery regarding my sexuality, I can tell you that if you actually were in denial you wouldn’t ask yourself if you were or not, you would just avoid the possibility.
The feelings aren’t real it’s just your mind playing tricks with you

Thanks for answering. I, too, might just not be ok with being gay and that's why I panic and everything, maybe it's not denial, but rather desperate wishful thinking that it's not real because of that and that's why I don't want to accept it... And it does feel like I'm avoiding the possibility, I just try to ignore it, which sounds just like what you said. I'm actually gay... I don't know what to do... Can you compare your feelings of when you were not okay with being gay with the feelings you have with the OCD issue? Were you also so distressed and in panic then? I feel like I know it's real but don't want it to be, but that's just denial. I can see that it's real even writing this now... It's not OCD This has been going on for 4 years now... and I'm more and more sure it's real
Anyway, you seem to know deep down that what you are experiencing is not true.

Right now I masturbated and in the middle of doing it I thought of a guy simultaneously penetrating me from behind and it feels like I want it. I often get this feeling in my bottom, like I want to be penetrated. And I keep squeezing it together because of this, because I don't want to feel like I want it. I don't know what to do. It feels too real to not be true and I most likely actually want it. I don't know what to do, I'm just in denial. What do I do?

hocdsufferer wrote:Right now I masturbated and in the middle of doing it I thought of a guy simultaneously penetrating me from behind and it feels like I want it. I often get this feeling in my bottom, like I want to be penetrated. And I keep squeezing it together because of this, because I don't want to feel like I want it. I don't know what to do. It feels too real to not be true and I most likely actually want it. I don't know what to do, I'm just in denial. What do I do?

Hey ok, first of all please don’t panic it will only make it worse and will ruin your day even more, second of all the main difference between ocd sufferers and people in denial, from what I have experienced, is the fact that if you’re in denial you might be scared of the possibility but you’re more scared of the reaction of others and stuff like that while if you’re suffering from ocd you’ll probably fear more the possibility of not really knowing who you are and that’s what the illness latches onto the most. Regarding what you said about masturbating I completely get you: I used to enjoy sex and masturbating and all that stuff but since my ocd started I’ve grown more and more cautious and obsessed over every little thought and sensation I felt during the act, for example what you said about thinking about a guy penetrating you while you were in the middle of it is totally normal in the sense that I often experience something similar with getting random bursts of fear that I might actually want to experience sex as a female when in fact I’m totally fine in doing it as a guy, these thoughts happen and they are common between ocd sufferers. Also about the feeling you feel in your bottom that’s also common, when ocd latches onto sexuality/gender it can make us hyper conscious of bodily sensations and so making us focus on normal body movements that we would otherwise ignore. Just like you get that feeling in your bottom area I get it in my genital area because our ocd focuses on different things but has the same ways of terrorizing us.

Crybaby92 wrote:

hocdsufferer wrote:Right now I masturbated and in the middle of doing it I thought of a guy simultaneously penetrating me from behind and it feels like I want it. I often get this feeling in my bottom, like I want to be penetrated. And I keep squeezing it together because of this, because I don't want to feel like I want it. I don't know what to do. It feels too real to not be true and I most likely actually want it. I don't know what to do, I'm just in denial. What do I do?

Hey ok, first of all please don’t panic it will only make it worse and will ruin your day even more, second of all the main difference between ocd sufferers and people in denial, from what I have experienced, is the fact that if you’re in denial you might be scared of the possibility but you’re more scared of the reaction of others and stuff like that while if you’re suffering from ocd you’ll probably fear more the possibility of not really knowing who you are and that’s what the illness latches onto the most. Regarding what you said about masturbating I completely get you: I used to enjoy sex and masturbating and all that stuff but since my ocd started I’ve grown more and more cautious and obsessed over every little thought and sensation I felt during the act, for example what you said about thinking about a guy penetrating you while you were in the middle of it is totally normal in the sense that I often experience something similar with getting random bursts of fear that I might actually want to experience sex as a female when in fact I’m totally fine in doing it as a guy, these thoughts happen and they are common between ocd sufferers. Also about the feeling you feel in your bottom that’s also common, when ocd latches onto sexuality/gender it can make us hyper conscious of bodily sensations and so making us focus on normal body movements that we would otherwise ignore. Just like you get that feeling in your bottom area I get it in my genital area because our ocd focuses on different things but has the same ways of terrorizing us.

Maybe I am just scared of the possibility and of others, like you said. I don't know... When I was younger I was into girls, had a crush on one, but now it's completely changed. I also had your obsession for a period if time, I thought that maybe I wanted to be a girl, but that kinda passed, while this has been going on for 4 years and the more convinced I am that it's real. I don't think the gay thing is OCD... I really think it's denial/fear. It's probably obsession caused by fear of it, not actual OCD...

hocdsufferer wrote:

Crybaby92 wrote:

hocdsufferer wrote:Right now I masturbated and in the middle of doing it I thought of a guy simultaneously penetrating me from behind and it feels like I want it. I often get this feeling in my bottom, like I want to be penetrated. And I keep squeezing it together because of this, because I don't want to feel like I want it. I don't know what to do. It feels too real to not be true and I most likely actually want it. I don't know what to do, I'm just in denial. What do I do?

Hey ok, first of all please don’t panic it will only make it worse and will ruin your day even more, second of all the main difference between ocd sufferers and people in denial, from what I have experienced, is the fact that if you’re in denial you might be scared of the possibility but you’re more scared of the reaction of others and stuff like that while if you’re suffering from ocd you’ll probably fear more the possibility of not really knowing who you are and that’s what the illness latches onto the most. Regarding what you said about masturbating I completely get you: I used to enjoy sex and masturbating and all that stuff but since my ocd started I’ve grown more and more cautious and obsessed over every little thought and sensation I felt during the act, for example what you said about thinking about a guy penetrating you while you were in the middle of it is totally normal in the sense that I often experience something similar with getting random bursts of fear that I might actually want to experience sex as a female when in fact I’m totally fine in doing it as a guy, these thoughts happen and they are common between ocd sufferers. Also about the feeling you feel in your bottom that’s also common, when ocd latches onto sexuality/gender it can make us hyper conscious of bodily sensations and so making us focus on normal body movements that we would otherwise ignore. Just like you get that feeling in your bottom area I get it in my genital area because our ocd focuses on different things but has the same ways of terrorizing us.

Maybe I am just scared of the possibility and of others, like you said. I don't know... When I was younger I was into girls, had a crush on one, but now it's completely changed. I also had your obsession for a period if time, I thought that maybe I wanted to be a girl, but that kinda passed, while this has been going on for 4 years and the more convinced I am that it's real. I don't think the gay thing is OCD... I really think it's denial/fear. It's probably obsession caused by fear of it, not actual OCD...

I totally get you, what you’re describing as hocd feels exactly like my tocd, I think if you were actually gay you wouldn’t obsess over it so much. My advice would be try to accept the uncertainty even tho it’s scary it’s the only possible solution to take away from the ocd the fear

Well, thanks for replying. I don't know... I just feel like I don't want to accept it, but it's real I want to believe it can be OCD, but it's basically impossible at this point...

hocdsufferer wrote:Well, thanks for replying. I don't know... I just feel like I don't want to accept it, but it's real I want to believe it can be OCD, but it's basically impossible at this point...

I get your thought process completely, I feel like wanting to believe that it is ocd is the proof it’s not, we just have to fight it