My obsessive struggles HOCD/POCD/Harm-OCD- Long read sorry

Hi all,

Prewarning - long read, please bear with me

I grew up always considering myself to be straight. I had crushes on girls and feelings towards them since I can remember. I had my first sexual encounter with a girl at the age of 17, which I enjoyed. I can’t recall ever having any sexual feelings towards men, it was strictly friends. While going through puberty, I would masturbate exclusively to the thoughts and ideas of girls - both fantasising and while watching porn, without ever feeling myself aroused or the need to watch any gay porn. However, there were times when I would masturbate, and the thought of a team mate from football I had seen naked in the showers would pop into my mind. If this would happen at orgasm, it would “ruin” my orgasm, and I would feel repulsed and confused as to why that thought came up. It was an annoying tendency which, although not happening regularly, I was aware of. However, I didn’t think anything else of it, other than that it was an annoying turnoff.

What triggered my obsession and anxiety about my sexual orientation was after having my first and only gay dream when I was about 21. There was no face to the person, but from what I can recall it was a male performing oral sex - and I felt pleasure. However, soon after I woke up in a state of panic and anxiety, as well as shock and confusion. For weeks after that I was constantly anxious and couldn’t shake the feeling “Does this mean I’m gay?” or “Am I attracted to men?” I had never really given it any thought before this dream. Soon after, I started feeling down (I’m not sure if depressed) and this question was constantly on my mind. I lost all libido and attraction to girls, and feared these gay thoughts would plague me if I masturbated. The anxiety made me constantly analyse how I felt towards men, and testing whether I became aroused or my reaction to seeing attractive men. After searching my symptoms on the internet, I soon came across HOCD or SO-OCD. It was a relief to me to find, what I think/thought, was a diagnosis, as all the symptoms seemed to resonate with me.

Since then, the question of my sexuality has constantly been on my mind. While the anxiety lessened, I find myself noticing attractive men a lot more than before. Intrusive thoughts such as “what if I kiss him right now” or imagining sexual activities with them would not appeal to me, and give a kick of anxiety. I would constantly seek assurances online about other people’s experiences with HOCD, which would temporarily ease my anxiety, before starting the cycle of doubt again.

As time passed, the intensity of the anxiety slightly faded. Every time I would have a thought about “Did you find that guy attractive? Does that mean you’re gay?” I would just try to shrug and think “maybe yes, maybe no” and that would help it.

Fastforward a 2-3 years, and I had my next obsession - that I was suicidal. I smoked marijuana from a vaporiser with a very high THC level, and got extremely high/stoned. We were on a high riser, maybe the 12th floor or so, on my friends balcony. I have always been afraid of heights, and looking over the edge at the ground quite far below I thought “what if I jump now?”, “I should jump that would be cool”. WIthin a couple of seconds I got a rush of anxiety thinking whether this meant i was suicidal, and why this thought had popped into my head. When coming home I couldn’t shake the feeling or intrusive thoughts of suicide. To clarify, I never considered myself, and still don’t, suicidal, but the thoughts plagued me for a long time, making me anxious and worried about crossing bridges which were high or intrusive thoughts at the train station such as “i should jump in front of this train”.

The latest intrusiveness was about a 16 months ago. I dreamt that I was in the shower, naked, and that my two female cousins (who are now 19 and 22) approached me in a sexual way. However, in my mind they were still teenagers, and while I felt uncomfortable in the dream I let them fondle my penis, gaining slight pleasure from it. Soon after, I woke up in a state of panic and anxiety again. I had what I can only classify as a panic attack, constant pacing, heart racing, tight chest, urge to cry. The fact that in my dream they were teenagers (maybe 15 or 16) made me fear that I was a pedophile or attracted to children. This was particularly upsetting because I had spent 2 years in Asia as a teacher of young children, aged 6-18. While I could tell which girls were generically “pretty”, I never felt any attraction or sexual interest in them, and the idea repulsed me. Following this, I started finding it impossible to think of anything else, and couldn’t study or focus, being in a constant state of anxiety and despair - wondering if I was a pedophile or had attraction to children or could hurt them. My other two fears (that I was potentially not straight or thoughts about suicide) were reignited too. From my research on HOCD, I had come across POCD (Pedophilia OCD) which were similar symptoms - having intrusive thoughts which repulsed me and created significant anxiety. I started meditating, which helped, and after 3 months or so the anxiety started to become bearable once again. At this time I seriously considered seeking out therapy to help me, as I was suffering. However, I was in a foreign country, leaving in 3 months, and thought I could manage.

The situation now is that while my suicidal intrusive thoughts and POCD thoughts have fallen into the background, I have recently become obsessed again and noticing a lot of anxiety regarding whether I find men attractive in a sexual or romantic way. For the last 4 years or so I resisted seeking assurances on google about googling HOCD (as I believe seeking these assurances is a form of checking which only fuels the anxiety and intrusive thoughts.) However, the last 2 months the thoughts have increased again, as has the associated anxiety. Going out drinking, I would find myself noticing/having my anxiety triggered my good looking men, which would only make me more and more anxious and start questioning whether I was in fact bi/gay and why I couldn’t think of anything else. The last 2 days I have been able to rarely think of anything else, constantly anxious, to the extent where I feel like I should just give in and accept that I’m bi. This feeling only reignites my anxiety, and I start doing checks (watching gay porn, imagining myself with a guy) again.

That brings me to now. I am seeking out therapy to help me overcome these obsessions/anxiety disorder. Concerning your comments, I don’t believe that I am homophobic - my sister has been openly bisexual and in relationships with girls for the last 5 years, and I hold no resentment towards her - I am happy for her. Colleagues of mine are gay which I have no problems with. However, I feel that gay men who sound/act stereotypically “gay” (sorry, I don’t know how else to put this) do trigger my anxiety.

Sorry for the very long read, and thank you if you made it this far! I realise it is difficult to gauge much from a single post.