I'm sure I'm not gay. But I feel afraid.

Hello.

This is my umpteenth post while going through HOCD since last October. I am doing better every day and I am sure I am not gay, but there is a feeling I'd like to discuss: I have 'depowered' my gay intrusive thoughts, which means that I'm free to imagine myself with girls again. There has been a significant loss of attraction when fantasizing about girls (not in real life, I have always kept checking and flirting with girls and have recently almost punched myself in the face for being too chicken to ask a girl her number). When I now think of being with a girl, or if I think about starting a relationship with the girl I just mentioned, I feel a little anxious. It feels like I'm tired or something? Tired of trying to maintain a relationship? Even now when I think of flirting with a girl again I feel a little fear. This kinda spikes me since the indicator for me which told me my gay thoughts weren't me, was that I felt fear when thinking them.

Maybe it's because all my relationships have always gone south pretty quickly (2 years, 2 months, 4 months). I also have difficulty imagining the perfect girl now. I'm scared I will never find a girl again that I'll fall in love with. When I think of starting a family with a girl in the future I feel anxious as well. Why? It is what I want. I'm afraid I will not be happy

I have also created the false belief that dating a girl would be weaker than being gay. Anyone knows this feeling? I cannot help but wonder what the difference is between being with a girl and a guy. I know it's a feeling which I just think too much about, but still.. Help would be appreciated. Please help run these last miles against the HOCD!