somebody please just tell me i'm going to be okay

my ocd is killing me. eating me alive. i'm a lesbian obsessed with lesbian conversion porn. i can't stop looking at it even though it disgusts me, my compulsions tell me to look no matter how hard i try to resist, it's like somebody else is in my body, forcing me to look. i cry and i self harm and i break down but it's not enough to stop the compulsions. it's been this way for almost two years and i'm at my breaking point, i'm severely suicidal, and i just want to end it if it's the only thing that will make this horrible obsession stop.

please tell me it will get better. i have a psychiatrist appointment later this month to adjust my anti psychotics/ocd medication. i'm going to look into CBT. can i recover from this? is there any hope from me? i need to hear from other people with ocd just to know that i'm going to make it through this, because right now, i feel consumed by my ocd, i'm a slave to it. please tell me that i'll be okay. please.

Hello Regive.

You're going to be okay. There are people who have spent more than 2 years feeding their obsession and they've turned out okay, too. There are a few things I recommend you do stop yourself from feeling worse. I'm not a psychiatrist, but I have suffered from OCD since I was 10 (I'm 21 now). I'm a straight male, by the way.

From what I hear, this behaviour bothers you since you don't want to be straight. I have suffered from HOCD multiple times through my life, and am currently recovering from another agonizing episode. What you have to remember is that you are what you WANT to be. If the conversion porn disgusts you, then it disgusts you. To stop the obsession is difficult, but you will have to try to not feed it. Everytime you feel like you have to look at the conversion porn, distract yourself with doing something mentally distracting like work out or write or draw. If you need more help, I can dig a little deeper for you. But it's late now haha.

About the self-harm and suicidal thoughts: know that these are not ways to solve your problems. You can have a happy life, it just takes guidence and help, which I see you are already going to receive soon, which is great! You admit you have a problem and aren't scared to tackle it '

Self-harm is something you will regret later, since nobody likes to remember their dark times. I once self-harmed after a girl broke up with me, and now I am always reminded of her when I look at the wound. Try to find other ways to relieve tension. You do NOT deserve to be punished. You don't sound like a bad person, and especially not for looking at a certain type of porn. Do not be afraid to talk to your psychiatrist about this, either. He/she will understand.

I hope this helps for now. Write me as much messages as you like. I'm here to help.