Hocd ups and downs anyone?

Hey everyone it’s been awhile since I posted so I’ll give an update. I’ve been doin a lot better my ex drive for women is back by a lot! But it still has its downs. It still feels like my emotions are still gay, what I mean is it’s like I’m always searching too find and see if I find a dude attractive and idk why, I even find myself looking at dudes feels like I’m checking them out in a way and it feels like can fell a smirk coming but it don’t. I started doing Hocd videos since I can’t afford a therapist and they’ve helped helped. But another part is the masturbation I know I shouldn’t be giving in but I do, I can confirm it is a girl that I finish too, but yesterday for some reason I tried too put a dude too test these emotions that my ocd has caused and I couldn’t keep the dude the girl kept coming in so I finally made myself push out the girl and the dude was either my favorite singer or a friend even and I feel ashamed about it bein my friend in the image especially and I’m sorry for the details but I’m still trying too understand this stuff after 3 years! But anyways I finally do finish but idk what made me I feel like it was the dudes or even maybe a girl but idk, it feels like during it, it wasn’t bothering me or I put a fake smile too make it seem like I enjoyed it but then I get counfused and start thinkn maybe I did enjoy it, but after I feel terrible about it, it’s like guilt, ashamed, asking myself why did have too force the image in too see, I honestly feel like right now that I’m a gay and I’m not letting myself be gay or even try it or idk if anyone could put some input that would be greatly appreciated anyways thank you for reading

Hey,

i've experienced something along the same lines, when i first got hocd i was constantly checking to see if i found men attractive, but i was still attracted to women.
then i started to lose my attraction to women and was constantly questioning my attraction towards men.
Then i started getting groinal responses, which made me very uncomfortable.
It's almost like my hocd moved on towards different stages.
I seeked therapy a few times, which did help i believe, also i went on anti depressants.
I stopped therapy last october, i felt okay, i wasn't !00% though.
I feel like i can control my hocd now, but i still have doubt, like yourself i seem to notice males more than women, i wonder if i find them attractive, my attraction has come back for women, but not totally, it still doesn't feel natural.
i know anti depressants can affect your libido, so I'm hoping to come off them and hopefully it will bring my sex drive and natural attraction back.
i don't know about you, but i sometimes have a voice in my head that tells me i must be gay and I'm just denying it?
i'm hoping one day i just wake up and I'm totally cure of this, I'm still in doubt whether it is hocd sometimes.

Yea man I do get that voice and like it messes with my emotions more than anything I’m the same way I want it gone

Your goal is to let these thoughts not bother you. In the end of the day, these are just thoughts. Although someone with ocd can’t really figure that out, we have to be certain but you have to accept the uncertainty.

My last HOCD struggle was two summers ago I believe. It was anxiety producing but I got through it. After you give your thoughts less power, it becomes less scary. And then finally it just...disappears. I still have HOCD, wondering if I could possibly like the same sex but I came to the agreement until I meet that “girl”, I’m not gonna worry. HOCD is a bully, you’ll notice you become more attracted to the same sex suddenly, and your attraction to the opposite is no where near what it used to be. But it does come back. Who you are before ocd is who you are. It gets better, i promise!

-- Fri Mar 15, 2019 9:38 am --

Your goal is to let these thoughts not bother you. In the end of the day, these are just thoughts. Although someone with ocd can’t really figure that out, we have to be certain but you have to accept the uncertainty.

My last HOCD struggle was two summers ago I believe. It was anxiety producing but I got through it. After you give your thoughts less power, it becomes less scary. And then finally it just...disappears. I still have HOCD, wondering if I could possibly like the same sex but I came to the agreement until I meet that “girl”, I’m not gonna worry. HOCD is a bully, you’ll notice you become more attracted to the same sex suddenly, and your attraction to the opposite is no where near what it used to be. But it does come back. Who you are before ocd is who you are. It gets better, i promise!