Beyond HOCD, beyond help.

Haven't posted in a while, mostly because I know from years of experience how useless reassurance is with OCD, but I'm feeling really down and need a place to vent. I'm not in therapy because I don't have insurance and to be honest I feel it wouldn't do much in this situation.

I'm pretty sure I'm in denial about my sexuality. There's a part of me that knows it's true, but can't quite come to terms with it. I used to be straight, but something has definitely changed and my attraction to men is not at all what it used to be or should be for a straight woman. Really wish I could let go and move on but I can't stop mourning for my old identity. I'm married to a man too, who I do love but it's purely emotional regard on my end. I feel guilty everyday, as he's really good to me and deserves better.

One of my biggest triggers is the fact that when we kiss I feel absolutely nothing. No spark, not turned on...nothing. I avoid intimacy at all costs because I can't stand not feeling anything. Especially knowing that I could feel something with a woman, which really upsets me.

It makes me so angry and depressed. I just feel utterly hopeless, like my life is essentially over. I know there's nothing wrong with being gay. But I can't grasp how it could fit into my life. I would rather just be alone I think. Maybe that's the life I meant to live, I don't know.

Sorry to be so depressing.

Hey there. Stay strong and see a therapist if you can or purchase some OCD books that focus on HOCD. We're here for you.