Does This Sound Like HOCD Or Denial?

This may be long but I would really appreciate if you read this till the end and let me know what you think to it.

Over the past 6 months or so I have been suffering from what I think is HOCD, I have been too the doctors recently in the past week or so because I was so sick of this and needed some kind of confirmation. The doctor did say that it sounds like OCD and I show many patterns and I'm due to get some therapy soon to help me.

However with this HOCD which I think as been going on for a few years but I have only come aware of it 6 months ago as been driving me crazy. Some days I'll be sure of who I am and others I'll either have no clue or be sure I am in denial so thought I would write my story here to get your guys thoughts.

So I am 19 and male, haven't got any sexual experience, so no girlfriend and still a virgin. I have tried to get one and also tried to have sex but it all failed quite badly so it think thats one of the reasons that spurred this on.

When I was younger I remember having a few crushes on girls I am talking before puberty hit around the 10 to 12 age, however if I remember I wasn't overly bothered about girls. I do remember trying to get close to a few of them and being intrigued by them.

The next few years were strange as I didn't go chasing after girls like other boys did, I was quite shy and just stuck to myself playing video games and the usual stuff. On top of that the idea of talking to girls made me so nervous and when I met them in real life I would struggle to pick up the urge to speak to them, I guess I had butterflies something that has stuck with me ever since when being around girls I like.

It was around 14/15 that I kind of realised that girls existed if you know what I mean, I began to think more about girls, found them attractive, had sexual fantasises of my female teachers and hot girls in my class (having sex with them, hanging around with them, etc). It was also around 15 that I first discovered porn which is quite late I know, but from that age till now I have only ever watched straight porn not even had any curiosity too check out gay porn as I knew it wasn't for me, I can even remember when I first started being so intrigued by the womens body, however now when I look at women I question what do I even find attractive about them which is depressing and spikes me up because I will feel as If I am not attracted enough to them so therefore I am gay.

I remember when I would message some girls online and getting so nervous to start up a conversation or walking places with girls and I would oddly be shaking with nervousness when getting ready.

Despite all this I never kissed any girls, went to any partys, or had a girlfriend, and while at school I would rather of hung around with my best mates and do things with them, while I met them a few times I basically avoided girls as I was way too nervous and didn't know how to conduct myself around them( this looking back makes me like I knew I was different in a way, maybe its the ocd I dont know) . Many of the peers would also pick up on this and bully me by saying I'm 'scared of girls' which didn't do me any good.

At 16 I started college and I felt like it was a fresh new start, I found a few girls attractive within my class and would check them out and even fantasise about them in class. But still I never had the self confidence to speak to them and thought every girl was not interested in me and that I am unattractive. This made things awkward as while with my friends I would feel weird talking about girls as I am so inexperienced and they have all had experience.

What first started my hocd was when I was with a mate, and I said to myself I like hanging around with him and hes one of better mates I have made ( I have made mates with the wrong people alot before and tried to fit in). Anyway I thought to myself if I enjoy hanging around with him so much then that must mean I am gay, and thats when hell basically started. I couldn't talk to him without feeling nervous, when I got messeges I would feel a butterfly feeling not a nice one though, and I found myself checking my attraction to girls and boys constantly.

I would when next to boys start imagining doing gay acts to them which were repulsive but I couldn't prevent them and I hated them. It was very depressing.

I would imagine myself with boys and then with girls and I felt so wrong and often wouldn't be able to finish picturing a sexual scene with a man in my head where as with a girl I would enjoy it and it would feel more intimate. While I was close to mates at college and school, I never had a sexual fantasy about a man and even though OCD as distorted alot, that is one thing I can say with certainty.

So when I tried to for the first time, it felt so wrong and disgusting. I even tried watching gay porn for the first time in my life and the first few times I tested I had to shut the page off because I couldn't bear it and it was so gross, however over time and constant testing I have desentized myself where I can watch a whole gay porn video and feel nothing, no arousal, no errection, nothing. Even now when I open up both straight and gay, ill go too and forth where I will get hard looking at girls and then when I go back to guys it will go back down again straightaway, however that doesn't help me believe still that this is ocd.

When I think about having sex with girls now I feel kind of repulsed and am afraid I won't enjoy it. I always thought about kissing girls so its frustrating I haven't already, and how exiting it would be, I would look at men and be like why would I want to kiss them that just seems so unappealing. Its depressing to think I will never be able to have a girlfriend, and I don't want to come across homophobic and I do support gays but I just don't think its me.

What does seem to trigger me a lot is seeing attractive men now since this all started, I don't even think it matters as my mind makes me think I find them all attractive.

What makes it even more strange is that when I watch tv and movies of people or things I have seen before, I feel like I have this new attraction to men that I would of just looked at like another man before but now feel attracted too, I think to myself what the **** is going on.

Finnaly just to add on I do also have a history ocd with Health and Harm, such as being obsessed that I had diabetes, motor neurone disease, MS and others. I did manage to get rid of them eventually and they weren't as tough at this one. Even writing this now is making me look back into the past at events as proof that I am gay, its nonstop!

Thats basically the story up to now and the constant 24 7 thoughts that I get as soon as I wake up all through till I go to bed. Sorry that its all a mess I just wanted to get it all of my chest.

What do you guys think does this sound like someone who is in denial or has hocd?

I'm a 31 year old male that's suffered for HOCD since age 19. I've never had a girlfriend and focused on school and hobbies than women. I think my lack of success with women was the catalyst for my HOCD.

You should see a psychologist or psychiatrist if you can. This site should serve as a support group, not a substitute for mental health therapy. These thoughts are scary and seem real, but you can manage HOCD.

Hello.

I'm 20 and have been diagnosed with OCD when I was around 12. In the past I've had severe POCD and HOCD. I've had three girlfriends and have been in love 5 times (all girls). I even still love my latest girlfriend, who broke up with me last summer. After that my OCD was okay for a while and I could just live life and maybe even search for a new girl. Now everything's back to $#%^.

I had a dream in which I was making out with a girl but it turned out to be a dude. I woke up distraught and haven't been okay since. My HOCD has spiked like never before. I recognize a lot of things you say, hence why I'm replying to your post.

I feel that weird feeling of attraction too now with every man, although it was never this way before my HOCD started. I still find girls attractive and only they get me hard, but I struggle even watching movies with male actors in them since I keep testing myself to see if I like them.

Maybe it's a good thing to realise you never felt these things before your HOCD started. This further proves that you're straight. I'm also straight but the absence of a girlfriend or girl love interest has given me a lot of anxiety and stress. I keep thinking 'why not date a man?' But I just don't want to and the thought of me giving in gives me severe anxiety.

The worst part about this all is that I've just lost myself. I keep wondering if this is the real me, but know it isn't, since I feel so terrible. I used to be a fun guy who liked hanging out with his male friends and also was very comfortable and even kinda smooth when talking to girls. I can't get these fetish-like taboo fuelled fantasies out of my mind when I see a male, and it makes me very unhappy. I can't even hang around my friends now. I used to be completely obsessed with girls and I deep down still love them, but it just looks like I've changed into an entirely different person.

I hope you found some recognition in this post. Know you're not alone.