Could use some help. - HOCD.

Ok, i don't know how to start this. It really feels like this is my cry for help. For the past two months i've been struggling with HOCD, which i'm not even sure if this is it anymore. And i feel so hopeless, so lost, it just feels like my identity and everything i knew is being taken away from me. I used to fantasize about the perfect job, a perfect husband, the perfect family i'd have someday. And right now i can't fantasize or even imagine any of these things. I had a wonderful life actually, i was so happy. I had no doubts that i liked boys and only boys. It felt amazing being with them, the butterflies, everything. And even typing this my mind tells me "you're lying you never really liked them" when i know really well i did. Hell how i liked them. I tried to accept the thoughts, i tried to do everything i could, and nothing seems to work. I even told myself its okay if im bisexual or something, and i was okay with it for a while, then i started obsessing over the fact that i could be a lesbian. And the fact that i feel numb about boys just makes everything worse. I don't think people can lose attraction overnight right? Because that's almost what happened to me. I'm so scared right now. And you know what, im at a point right now where i don't care anymore if i'm also attracted to woman, which i don't think i am, since i never felt it before. I just want my attraction to boys back. I just want to be who i was before all this.
I think im too deep in this thing whatever it is, i think i searched too much on this subject that now i dont even know whats true and whats not.
I just don't want to lose what i previously had with boys you know.
Anyways. Cheers to everyone who's also struggling with this demon! X.

Hi,

I have hocd aswell. I immediately went to a therapist. A year earlier the same therapist diagnosed me with a general anxiety disorder. The diagnose was later altered to pure ocd. Since 4 weeks I'm on medicine(SSRI). The thoughts bothered me to such an extent that I thought it was necessary. I combine the meds now with therapy. And I have to so it helps a lot. Yesterday for the first time in months I had a clear moment!

You are doing the right things. I highly suggest therapy. Even without medicine it works like a charm!

I think right now itss starting to wander between HOCD and TOCD. And its terrifying me, but im looking forward to therapy. I think the fact that im starting to obsess over TOCD is pushing me to get help. I was too afraid to seek help and have the doctor tell me im just in denial or something. Anyway thank you for your answer!

Some folks do seem to cycle between HOCD and TOCD, and even POCD... sometimes in combinations, sometimes sequentially. It's not unusual to waver between homosexual and trans fears, from what I've seen in the forum.