Help -- HOCD nightmare

Hi, this is my first time posting here, and I have been diagnosed with OCD very recently.
So I have a complicated sexual history, because I used to have sexual intrusive rape thoughts about men and now I have sexual intrusive thoughts about women, and doubts about my sexuality.

I remember, when I was younger, being largely attracted to men, I thought both genders were beautiful, but all my good fantasies and wet dreams were about men, and although my sexual intrusive thoughts about being raped by men (I didn't know I had OCD then) kept me super afraid of dating, I still secretly yearned to be with them. I generally didn't have any sexual urges for women, and saw females and female friendship as more of an emotional safe haven because I couldn't bring myself to date boys in case one of them raped me (part of the OCD fear). The rape fears and images about boys were so real I had a mental breakdown in early high school. It wasn't straight OCD to my knowledge (meaning I don't think I was gay and obsessing I might be straight) --- I wasn't afraid I was straight, I knew I was straight but was afraid people would find out about my attraction to men and that i'd no longer be safe from rape.

But I had a strong emotional bond with one girl, and I was bullied for being friends with her since she was popular and I wasn't. She was special to me, but I never once wanted to have sex with her, not like I did with my male friends. Still my mother questioned my sexuality because I seemed down about our friendship and I started to obsess that I came off as gay to other people.
I've never really been homophobic and always welcomed the idea of any gender, but I think I only did this because I knew I was straight --- I didn't actually want to have sex with women.

I masturbated to lesbian porn once but it took forever to climax and I remember I used to check women out, but I thought it was always in an appreciation "I wish I could look like her" kind of way, but I don't know if I had any arousals, I can't remember --- and my HOCD uses it as evidence and I feel like what I used to see as innocent childhood experimentation means that I was Bi or gay all along.

So I started obsessing that other people saw me as gay, and then in college, was assaulted by two women. On top of the assault I went to a women's college, and people would say stuff like "I'll turn her" and "she only thinks she's straight" and "all women are bisexual" etc., I started to obsess now, not just that I "looked" gay, but that I was actually gay and that I got assaulted because I gave off "vibes." The HOCD held on for four years, getting worse and worse, but I didn't start sincerely believing that i'd actually become gay until recently. I get really graphic sexual intrusive thoughts and groinal responses to all women, including babies, elderly women and family members. It happens 24/7.

I'm so afraid because I don't know if i'm actually gay or if it's HOCD, and while I hated the thoughts for years now I don't know if I like them or want them. I'm afraid that if I let go and like them that means I have to be bi or something, and I just seem to be wearing down. I just want to be able to walk through female spaces again and know I won't get aroused or think something sexual, but there are hours at a time when I can only react to women and I just FEEL gay now, as if i'd like it and as if I like the thoughts, but I still don't want to be and I still don't want to have sex with women. My childhood keeps coming back to me and it all seems like evidence, and I feel like i'm not allowed to be straight because I never got a chance to develop a normal and healthy sexuality.

I'm starting to think I want girls but I think it might be because I feel like this will never end unless I come out as something, what for I don't know. I just see gay people feeling so free and happy, and i'm just stuck here wishing that my romantic and good sexual fantasies about guys (not the rape ones) and my crushes that used to occupy my days, and being able to walk through a space and KNOW i'm not attracted to women --- I want that me back so bad.

I'm going to start with CBT, though I'm a little apprehensive about my therapist since he's never worked with an OCD patient before. I want to do ERP, but I can't afford it. Has anyone found regular CBT therapy to be effective?

Also has anyone ever gone from hating the HOCD thoughts to liking them? Do you still identify as straight? How do I make this end and know you're going to be straight no matter what???

Someone please help give some input, i really don't want to have sex with women ---- does anyone else get really strong groinals? Does anyone else not want to be with women and still get graphic thoughts? I don't enjoy them, but everytime i wake up, i immediately have lesbian imagery and my body feels horrible ---- like physically aroused but not in a good way, i even get it when i have images of family members and children.

I just feel like i'm on the verge of giving up, i can't tell because of my childhood memories if i was always gay or if it's my OCD making me re-interpret or find evidence. I even doubt i have OCD despite going to therapy for OCD

I used to, for the first two years of having HOCD, have wet dreams about men at night and want to be touched by them still, but now i literally can't call a man to mind and an endless cycle of my friends, family, and women plays instead....i hate this. I need it to end. i used to be able to watch straight and lesbian porn without getting aroused by naked women but now i get the groinal each time

What has your therapist said about this? And yes, anxiety can give us strange sensations, including down there... your story's not at all uncommon in these forums.

You're going to have to trust that you're not a lesbian, sweetie. That you didn't give this much thought, before you were frightened by the idea of being one. I think if you were one, you'd need to be with another woman. I'm bi, and even though I don't wish to be, I feel the need, and there's not much doubt involved.