Excessive doubt and video game addiction

I have such a hard time believing anything positive. My OCD and anxiety both make me unable to believe reassurance. My eyes swell with tears when positive outlooks are directed at me. This includes success stories telling me that everything will be all right, telling myself that I can get through this, and telling myself I can be truly happy again. My immediate reaction to such things is extreme disbelief, because they sound too good to be true. I can't bring myself to believe anything positive. I can only believe negative things. I think of the worst case scenario and I immediately believe it. I think I will cry just reading your responses. I need to prevent this way of thinking so that I can at least have the capacity to get better. This problem is making recovery impossible, and I have too many relapses. I have seen little improvement since this all started, even though I may seem better. The reality is that I excessively play video games to ignore my problems and so that I can ignore the intrusive thoughts. I think the only reason I wake up in the morning is to play video games. It's the only thing my life is about. Ignoring the thoughts isn't helping, but having fun and losing myself into an electronic drunkenness makes me forget about them, and I only seem better because I forget about them. I have been seeing a psychologist (therapist) and a psychiatrist for about a year. I have spent countless hours and full days playing video games for a whole year as an alcohol. Any thought related to my problem, whether positive or negative, puts me into a negative mood. I look forward to any help or advice. Thank you.

Preservoir wrote:I have such a hard time believing anything positive. My OCD and anxiety both make me unable to believe reassurance. My eyes swell with tears when positive outlooks are directed at me. This includes success stories telling me that everything will be all right, telling myself that I can get through this, and telling myself I can be truly happy again.

I feel this way too. I spend hours a day dissociating, looking at a computer screen but as I really don't have any motivation to play video games I mindlessly browse the web, watch trashy youtube videos or literally just do nothing at all while listening to music. Might play the occasional game of rocket league but I'll quickly get tired because what's the point?

I can't offer any advice. It all honestly feels pointless to me, I've been living in constant anxiety and apathy since forever. It's almost like I'm forcing myself to be unhappy because I don't deserve anything else. I'm just kinda floating thru life, not interacting much, but not completely without an effect on the outside world either. But know that you aren't alone in feeling this way.

I sometimes wonder if I purposely keep myself unhappy, as well. As far computer addiction- I won't go into it (no point in tempting others) but I was just so far into online escapism... I'm not, at the moment, but just barely.

Preservoir wrote:Having fun and losing myself into an electronic drunkenness makes me forget about them, and I only seem better because I forget about them. . I have spent countless hours and full days playing video games for a whole year as an alcohol.

I experienced this myself for many years. Worse yet, I would spend countless hours drinking alcohol while playing games to ignore my intrusive thoughts. The combination of being electronically and physically drunk gave me an intense feeling of happiness that no therapist, no human being, and no love could ever give me.