HOCD.

Well hi there, my name is Katrina, i'm 18 years old and i'm currently struggling with i assume it's HOCD. Since i was a child i've been struggling with a a lot of forms of ocd. I suffered from hypochondria, still do from times to times. I think i also struggled with a bit of harm ocd but that's another history. Well the first time i had a HOCD thought was two months ago in the start of august. I was at uni and a girl said something like "i wish there were more lesbians in this classroom". I think that was the start of it all. I started to think "what if i'm a lesbian" and etc but shrugged it off after a day. Then i got really stressed over a few thing, obviously nothing related to that topic, and decided to drop out of nursing school, because it was not what i wanted to do with my life. It was a very traumatic experience. Then i had to choose another major and i decided that i should noe study law, so i could become a law police chief. And that's where my personal hell started. I was watching a movie and there was a character who was a lesbian police chief. Then i started having thoughts like "oh my god what if become a lesbian if i really do major in law to be a police chief." I started to analyze my whole past. I've never been into girls, never felt anything for any of them. I was always fantasizing about boys, and imagining what my future husband would be. And im so scared right now it feels like i dont even know who i am anymore. I just dont wanna end up with a girl. But these thoughts are killing me i dont know whats true and whats not, my head is a mess, and i dont have anyobe to tell what ive been going throught. If i tell anyone they will think im in denial or im crazy or something. I need help so bad. Also one of the things that are making me doubt myself is the fact that my mind keeps telling me that the fact that im having these thoughts and the fact that im triggered by it is because im atracted to the girl i mentioned before. And its not that at all. I dont think i could ever feel anything for a woman. Can someone help me sort this out and be hocd free? I just ams so confused. I dont wanna be a lesbian/bisexual

PS: english is not my first language so im really sorry if there are any mistakes

I have been struggling with hocd for the past month, and it has reached a point where i really don't know what to do anymore. I miss so much the way my life used to be. I miss so much falling in love with random boys on the street, on public transportation. I miss so much fantasizing about boys every night and get that amazing feeling i have always felt. I miss it all so much. And now i just can't do any of that, because everytime i try to do that the boy turns into a girl. And i'm so scared. I'm so worried that i will never get that feeling i used to feel with boys, i'm so worried that i will never fall in love with a boy again. For a hopeless romantic like me, who cherised love more than anything it feels like living hell. I used to spent hours fantasizing about boys i liked and now i just can't and that's honestly whats making me sooooo sad. I just hate my life so much right now. And the worst part is the guilt i feel, because i have absolutely NOTHING against gay people. I think love is love, be it boy&girl, boy&boy, girl&girl. But i'm so afraid of becoming one. And it's not even about the fact that my familiy wouldn't accept, because they would. And if they didn't, well i would have to learn to live with that. What scares me the most is that my mind tells me i'm something i'm not. And i dont know what to do anymore. I wanna die, honestly. I just want my old life back. I miss the way i was. I miss walking on the streets and not cheking everyone to mesure if im attracted to them. Just don't think i can handle it much longer. Anyway thank you so much to anyone who read this.