So I broke down recently. TOCD

For the past few months I've been doing alright, the anxiety itself isn't bad but it's the nature of the thoughts that still make me spike. I still wake up sometimes feeling dread and just want to go back to sleep and often times I find myself sleeping more often than not. Recently though, I had a problem with my arm hair.

So I'm a man, 22, and it's been rough dealing with body hair for most of my life. I never exactly liked it. The way it grows if unchecked just looked really offputting and for the longest, I could ignore it because it wasn't something that I thought of for too long, that is until I started having these trans themes.

At the beginning of August of last year, when I began to go through this horrible thought process. I remember reading through various articles of people with legitimate dysphoria. Even stumbled upon a thread about it. The horrible part is, these people's own claims of dysphoria would serve as the foundation for my own worries.

I tried some of them as a test, downloading a filter app with a gender swap option to see what I preferred, shaving my face and staring at the mirror to see if there were any feelings that could arise from staring in the mirror. None of which really stuck to me as a sign of being trans. Recently I shaved my arms, having remembered that someone had said that helped them realize they were trans, and now? I worry because part of me likes the lack of hair. It's less of an eyesore, keep in mind I hate my body hair, it's been something that I've felt disgruntled about for a while now only because it's so thick and unruly looking. I don't know if it's a by-product of being actually trans, which I hope it isn't despite my thoughts or just some weird preference I have. Either way It's stressing me out.

Somehow being a hairy guy became an Ew thing for a lot of people (myself I like it). In the nineties, maybe.

So you don't want to be hirsute. Doesn't make you trans. Lots of guys get waxed, shave, etc., without it ever occurring to them about being trans. Don't let your head play games with you, I'm borderline Trans (at the least, very non-binary) and believe me, you'd know it if you really liked the idea of being a girl.

AlwaysThinking wrote:I tried some of them as a test, downloading a filter app with a gender swap option to see what I preferred, shaving my face and staring at the mirror to see if there were any feelings that could arise from staring in the mirror. None of which really stuck to me as a sign of being trans. Recently I shaved my arms, having remembered that someone had said that helped them realize they were trans, and now? I worry because part of me likes the lack of hair. It's less of an eyesore, keep in mind I hate my body hair, it's been something that I've felt disgruntled about for a while now only because it's so thick and unruly looking. I don't know if it's a by-product of being actually trans, which I hope it isn't despite my thoughts or just some weird preference I have. Either way It's stressing me out.

I have (what I think is) TOCD too, and reading this made me want to do it too, just to check haha. I don't want to diagnose but to me this screams of OCD, and the only way to get rid of OCD is to NOT do compulsions. It's helped me and it will most likely help you too, because the more effort you put into solving this "problem", the more of a problem it becomes. You are compulsing it at the expense of getting more anxiety and doubt.

You cannot out-logic OCD. It can and will send you intrusive thoughts, questions, ideas and sensations that appear almost like in a whack-a-mole game. The problem isn't the moles but the machine itself. You gotta stop playing the game.

Much like how physicists cannot be entirely sure that their theory is correct but only to a very large degree (see sigma certainty scale) you cannot be entirely sure of your own nature. As debilitating as this is for us, it is the truth and you cannot prove that you have two eyes any more than you can disprove that you're transgender. What if your eyes are lying to you? What if your perception of reality is skewed and you really have three? Or god forbid, only one? Maybe you're actually blind and it's all a figment of your imagination?

I realize as you currently aren't obsessing about your eyes and this is a very generalized problem, you might see my statements as "ridiculous" or think along the lines of

"But to me this seems real because (...)"

"My issue is different because I felt/thought/didn't feel that (...)"

"I know that (...) because (...)"

Or the classic

"But what if (...)"

I've been there too, and most likely will relapse in about 30 minutes after posting this, lol, but please trust me on this, we'll get through. I made another post on here if you'd like to read it. You might not relate to some of the points as I'm straight so my obsessions mostly revolve around that but we have the same fear at our core. And just because I might come off like I "know" a solution to my problem, I really don't. I'm probably as confused as you are, I've been at this for three months now and am talking to a therapist about my issues.

Uncertainty is human and a concept that has plagued philosophers for ages. eg. Plato's "Allegory of the Cave" -> Reality might not be entirely discerned from our knowledge and observations. All we can do is trust them and act accordingly. Take care of yourself my guy.

Edit: English is hard