(rant) struggling with trans themes

i don't intend anything with this post other than to let myself let out some steam. feel free to delete it or move it if it doesn't fit.

i'm so tired.

for the past months i've been tearing my hair out at the thought that i might be transgender. it's come to the point that i can't even rationalize myself out of it. i feel as if i'm starting to experience dysphoria and i'm so scared.

i'm a dude and i've always been a dude. that should be enough to convince me i am but some part of me keeps nagging at me, the usual "but what ifs", illusions and groinal responses.

i can stop my compulsions towards internet research and reassurance but not the thoughts and the rumination. the biggest signs that my brain keeps throwing at me is how i've always hated my looks, felt out of place and had crippling low self esteem.

in my case however the more logical explanation for how i'm feeling is that my parents were quite neglectful of me for most of my growing up. this is usually my go to anti

people who sneak photos of me aggrevate me to the point of rage and i hate looking at myself in the mirror at times. that being said, i don't think i look all that bad some days. i'm like a 6/10 on one of my good days lol

i also struggle a lot with constant depersonalization, something that hit me hard when i read the somewhat controversial "That was dysphoria" post - i know it's useless to say this but if you struggle with the same theme as i and haven't read it yet, don't.

it's a subjective, non scientific list that lists off symptoms that could indicate practically every mental ailment or blue mood ever. it's intended to support people that seriously consider that they might be trans and trying it to apply it to yourself when in panic mode will only exacerbate your anxiety.

you're not being logical when ruminating. emotions must be treated as emotions and not with "logic". there is no "deeper self" that you have to dig up. you're digging for something that doesn't exist, and the more you dig the less you’ll be sure.

i realize this might sound dismissive of trans people, but that's really not my intention. no matter if you’re questioning or ruminating you’re doing the wrong thing by looking at threads at the internet imo. talk to a professional, whether that be a gender therapist or ocd specialist. both most likely have the knowledge to help you figure yourself out.

i can’t wait to get into ERP even though it scares me. i just wanna get rid of these thoughts and feel normal again.

Hey I know you said you were letting off steam but I just wanted to let you know that I can relate to your post to some extent. I'm a guy, 22 years old, gay, and honestly? It's been a rough year since this entire thing took over my life. The first few months are the worst though, afterward, it becomes a roller coaster, at least from my experience. Getting the right help is key and it seems like you're taking a step in the right direction.

I have the same issues when it comes to my body image, I'm a bit chubby so it definitely does hinder my self-esteem. Things like ocd don't really care about logic though, my body hair is a second thing I haven't been a fan of but before this entire thought process took my life from me, I never questioned it.

Point is, this can really warp your perspective on things like you said. It's practically like you're brainwashing yourself in a way. With the constant recollection and rumination. I just know that it can be tough sometimes but it definitely can get better. I just hope that in reading this, you don't feel so alone in the situation.

[quote="AlwaysThinking"It's practically like you're brainwashing yourself in a way. With the constant recollection and rumination.[/quote]

this is on point lol

i don't really feel that i have too strongly of an identity to begin with so it certainly doesn't help that i keep second guessing every thing i thought was fundamental about myself. i even went through hocd before this like many others on this forum yet i still can't convince myself that i'm not trans and just have ocd.

there's always that one small bit that keeps nagging.

I have this OCD type too and it is complete torture not knowing if I have to have a sex change to treat my dusphoria (which hopefully doesn’t exist) but I’m scared and don’t know

I also read the same article you mention about the sneaky signs of dysphoria and yeah it scared the crap out of me.

I don’t know if I am really trans or just an innocent cis OCD sufferer caught in a web of lies

The thing is I have lots of gender variant friends and I fully accept them

I got badly triggered last week as I saw a transsexual walking down the road and she was tall and then I spiked over it

Something worth remembering though is that legit transsexuals who have had a sex change and live as a different gender can have OCD about secretly not being trans. The thoughts agonise them in fevers eto the way we are affected.

Also there has been some research into people who try to transition but stop and a large proportion of them tested positively for intrusive thoughts

Also a year or two ago, there is what I believe is the first medically recorded and documented case of transsexual OCD. It is a case study about some one who has trans OCD.

Ok the last few bits I said may be reassurance and I am sorry but I see you are suffering

It wouldn't surprise me if some folks with intrusive trans thoughts had started to transition, then realise they're not doing what's right for them. I think there's a lot of pressure from the LGBTQ community to pull doubters into the fold, as it were. I say that as someone who considers themselves bi and not-quite, but almost, trans themselves. I don't know if it's misery loves company, or it's politically motivated, or if it's a unconscious resentment towards normies, but I cringe whenever someone with H/TOCD says well I asked on a gay/trans website and they were like yeah you're ______!!!

Or.... or it's just your brain in OCD overdrive.... I'm pretty secure in how I feel inside about sex and gender, and even I will sometime slip into rumination. It's a hard habit to lose.