Do I have HOCD?

Before I go into detail about the whole aaa HOCD spiel, there’s some context: When I was 13 years old I was taken advantage of an 18 year old guy on the Internet. We dated for less than a month and when I realized how bad it was, he tried to show “evidence” to me that it was “legal.” I didn’t cut him out of my life until March of 2017. He abused me verbally by yelling at me during Skype calls, manipulated me, insulted me, etc. when I told my original therapist about this, I told her about the dating thing. She only regarded it as an “exploration of sexuality.” She should have intervened. When I cut him off, I didn’t see that therapist until almost a year later and I didn’t fully move on. She wasn’t any help to me by that comment ALONE. the guy (named blake) traumatized me. I was never given tools by my therapist to heal. Some other things that have happened: I told him, that we should have a contest where we go a week without masturbating (similar to that Seinfeld episode) and instead of saying “hey we can’t do this” he went along with it. He’s a GROWN MAN and I was a TEENAGER. This has traumatized me so much it affects my relationships with others and has caused me to have serious trust issues.

Another thing is that I have PANDAS, an autoimmune disorder that causes an onset of anxiety and OCD symptoms.

In regards to HOCD: I have never fantasized or desired to be in a relationship with someone of the same sex. When I’m romantically lonely, I have a guy in mind. When I masturbate, I imagine a guy. Most of my sexual fantasies and fetishes involve a guy. But I’ve started to question “what if I’m a lesbian?” I started to recall moments from childhood, like stumbling upon sexual role play drawings of two women, two men, etc, and sexually fantasizing as a result of it. I remember looking up “how to have sex” on my DSi browser, and going on Wikipedia pages seeing stuff of the same sex and opposite sex, but opposite sex mostly. I recalled moments where I’ve said “I’ll date anybody” but I had a male in mind. I never fantasized about dating women, and i haven’t sexually fantasized about women recently. And then the topic of compulsory heterosexuality kicks in and stresses me out even more. I’ve had a nagging feeling persist, which many ppl who suffer HOCD have dealt with. When I jack off to porn I get turned on by the guy’s actions. I have never seen girls as an option whenever I was romantically lonely. Ive never had legit crushes on girls or ppl of the same sex. I’ve avoided things related to lesbians such as books, movies, and songs. Everything that classifies HOCD as such is something I deal with, and I just want confirmation that I HAVE it. Another thing that HOCD sufferers have is questioning if they have feelings for their friend of the same sex and that’s happening to me. I read up on HOCD from a psychotherapists website and it said that “what differs between a friend & a lover is if you stimulate each other’s genitals” and I’ve NEVER thought of my friend in a sexual manner. These thoughts I get are distressing, and being traumatized makes things worse. Lesbians who deal with compulsory heterosexuality imagine men with blurry faces when they jack off. This has happened to me, though I always assumed it was trauma related. Sometimes when I jack off to the thought of a guy I get nauseous. I thought this was trauma related too. Aside from that, I can comfortably masturbate to the thought of a man. I had a boyfriend but we broke up because my OCD and trauma was very bad.

. I think I have ROCD too, since when I dated him I questioned if I had feelings for him to begin with, if I was turned on whenever we were sexually intimate, if I even liked him as a person. Our relationship was online/long distance and my old therapist did not believe in online relationships, so she wasn’t any help. On top of that I was scared that my ex would be like Blake, the guy that hurt me, and all of my friends would reassure me he wasn’t. Even after we broke up I questioned if I loved him, and my sexuality. I even went to friends who are lesbians for input. My closest friend who is a lesbian would always tell me “what you had with your ex was real it wasn’t comphet” but my brain still insisted it was. Compulsory heterosexuality is getting nervous and sick at the thought of a boy liking you. I thought that happened with my ex, but I didn’t even think about the possibility of him liking me when I first spoke to him, I was the one thinking “do I like him?” I’ve never even related to lesbian experiences before, the most I’ve done is just defend lesbians since I am a huge LGBT ally. My OCD is so bad I spent a month off of twitter just obsessing over my ex, whether he’s a good person or a bad person or is like Blake or not. My romantic relationship with my ex wasn’t healthy because of my anxiety and OCD And not being able to properly cope. on the day my ex broke up with me one of my friends who’s friends with him told me he had a breakdown scared that he would BECOME Blake. It makes me feel horrible. I loved him. I think I still do honestly. I’ve been trying to get better so my ex and i can be close friends, because I still care about him deeply. He cares about me a lot too, even if he doesn’t know how to help he always tries to cheer me up. Whenever we would have arguments, small or big, I’d assume chris was abusing me. Even in arguments where he says something he doesn’t mean and later regrets it and apologized my brain is hellbent on NOT forgiving him even though like me, he has anxiety, and can let things get to him. It’s horrible. On top of that, I am unmedicated, and none of my meds have worked for me. I’ve read up a lot about HOCD and I’m certain that I have it at this point but it’s still stressful. I also have intrusive thoughts, compulsions such as hair pulling and skin picking, “need to know,” checking, etc.