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POCD, hentai, guilt, PLEASE HELP i feel hopeless

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POCD, hentai, guilt, PLEASE HELP i feel hopeless

Postby idcidcidcidcidc » Tue Sep 04, 2018 4:58 pm

Im an 18 year old girl and up until recently i used to read hentai and fanfiction with loli/shota (basically sexualized drawings of children in anime). Two months ago i stopped and got heavy pocd and anxiety and three weeks ago i started therapy over it.
I was trying to read other peoples similar experiences in forums to make myself feel better and more normal but most people just looked at it once or twice when they were young and then stopped, i feel disgusting because up until recently i used to actively look up this stuff and enjoy it.
I think i have a problem with double standards where i have a hard time thinking of women as predators or bad, disgusting people (even though i know they can be). So i guess my reasoning was: other people (girls) are into this too so its normal and harmless. Just a way of exploring taboo sexual topics like fictional incest or sexual roleplays.
I even remember i considered quitting it in 2016 but didnt, and instead just got more into it.
Maybe im making excuses for myself but i think the things that attracted me from that kind of genre were other things instead of the kids because i dont think im attracted to irl children, i hadnt even thought about it before.
I feel suffocated by anxiety whenever i think of how much people would hate me and want me dead of they knew and when i think of how many people consider shota/loli hentai the same as child pornography. I cant stand the thought of being hated for something i cant take back and that its probably going to be a stain in my life, an awful secret ill have to carry forever. Im scared i might start getting suicidal thoughts.
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Re: POCD, hentai, guilt, PLEASE HELP i feel hopeless

Postby Dealingwithit2018 » Tue Sep 04, 2018 8:15 pm

It looks like we're going thru the same thing. I also stopped but I was a lil later and stopped at my early twenties. But you're going to therapy and that is a great first step!! It's a good way to heal and move on from it. It sounds like you were reading for age-play reasons and that makes you no more a pedo than anyone else that's into age-play whether they read shota/loli or not. Also, take some comfort knowing that you stopped at all. There are some people out there in their thirties still looking at it and proud of it somehow... And you own no one you entire life story or what you've done. That's for you to decide who knows or not. and you've already taken strides to improving and healing with therapy :) so while it'll take some time to get past this you can do this! and my pms are open if you need to talk.
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Re: POCD, hentai, guilt, PLEASE HELP i feel hopeless

Postby Preservoir » Tue Oct 09, 2018 1:01 am

Being thankful can help greatly. Be thankful that you started feeling guilt. Be thankful that you made the effort to stop. Be thankful that you even realized what you were doing was disturbing. Be thankful that you began this transformation on your own.

I rank myself horribly when it comes to true happiness... But the pain I've gone through, the things I've realized... I have never been more thankful. I am as thankful as I can be. I hope you feel the same way.
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Re: POCD, hentai, guilt, PLEASE HELP i feel hopeless

Postby Snaga » Wed Oct 10, 2018 3:19 pm

As far as I know, age-play, a pedo doesn't make. I don't think there's ever been a provable link between age-play and pedophilia. Still, what bothers you and is gonna eat at you, ought to be avoided. Akin to the old New Testament adage that sin is sometimes in the eyes of the sinner, and their own conscience condemns them and puts them in danger of judgment. You don't have to be Christian, to see how that can be applied simply to one's own peace of mind- especially pwOCD.

A good example from my own brain- intellectually, I don't think if I have fantasies about sex with minors, that means I'm a pedo/hebe/ephebophile. They're just thoughts. Thoughts that aren't put into deed, are harmless. In no way, ever, am I going to do anything with a minor. I'm sure of that, POCD isn't that much of a bugbear for me, I know me pretty well and when we had an active Paraphilia forum, I'd have to steer clear often, on account of getting a bit triggered- and when I say triggered, I mean wanting to kick some unrepenting pedo ass on occasion. A very unmodly attitude, and I knew my impartiality limits. My temper wasn't up to the task.

So no, I'm not a pedo. But the mind wanders, we wake up from odd Freudian-tinged dreams, etc. I'd be lying, if I said I'd never had a dream or fantasy involving a minor.

Intellectually, I know I'm not one and that I could fantasize from dawn to dusk, and never be any more likely to molest a kid, than not. BUT.... it does set up an unpleasant sensation. That little nagging in the back of my brain. Call it the seed of POCD. Well, I stay away from purposeful fantasizing. I stay away from age play, all that. I have no problems with stuff like that- especially age play between consenting adults. But I know also that I'm flirting with OCD grabbing it and running with it. So.... best to steer clear. Me, I don't see what the fuss is about hentai- but that's me, it doesn't tempt me to obsess over the fear I am doing something wrong.

Checking is bad- doing something is bad, if it's going to make you worry and second-guess yourself, even if it's basically harmless, even if you know you'll never do anything bad to anyone. Just best to steer clear. One less thing to worry about- I think we all fear losing control, so often, with OCD. I know my harm OCD plays heavily into telling me I won't be able to control my actions. So it's good to stay away from things like that.

All that's to say, I don't think you've done anything particularly evil- but in your mind, it is. And that matters almost as much, to you, as if it was truly evil.
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