Im an 18 year old girl and up until recently i used to read hentai and fanfiction with loli/shota (basically sexualized drawings of children in anime). Two months ago i stopped and got heavy pocd and anxiety and three weeks ago i started therapy over it.
I was trying to read other peoples similar experiences in forums to make myself feel better and more normal but most people just looked at it once or twice when they were young and then stopped, i feel disgusting because up until recently i used to actively look up this stuff and enjoy it.
I think i have a problem with double standards where i have a hard time thinking of women as predators or bad, disgusting people (even though i know they can be). So i guess my reasoning was: other people (girls) are into this too so its normal and harmless. Just a way of exploring taboo sexual topics like fictional incest or sexual roleplays.
I even remember i considered quitting it in 2016 but didnt, and instead just got more into it.
Maybe im making excuses for myself but i think the things that attracted me from that kind of genre were other things instead of the kids because i dont think im attracted to irl children, i hadnt even thought about it before.
I feel suffocated by anxiety whenever i think of how much people would hate me and want me dead of they knew and when i think of how many people consider shota/loli hentai the same as child pornography. I cant stand the thought of being hated for something i cant take back and that its probably going to be a stain in my life, an awful secret ill have to carry forever. Im scared i might start getting suicidal thoughts.