(POCD) idk if I can ever forgive myself

So for the last three or so months I've been dealing with POCD. It started because when I was 13 or 14 I used to read and masturbate to Straight Shota. Which is basically anime cp... it's where a older women gets with a young boy. I would pretend I was the boy in these situations and get off to them. I think I got into this because I was sexually abused when I was very young. and I always had a thing for older women. I've read these on and off for years until my early twenties. One day I just stopped because I realized it was bad and it did normalized child abuse. When I stopped I was completely fine and I went on with my life like normal. But then one day I woke up in the middle of the night and realized that what I did was ######6 disgusting and horrible.

Like the mere thought that I could hurt or harm a child terrifies me and disgusts me. I'd rather put a bullet in my ######6 head than turn into that. like I know I'm not into children. Like it only started recently. I've been getting better with dealing with it but I still feel horrible and disgusted with myself. idk if anyone has anything they can say too help but I just wish this was all over..

The shota being bad is a highly subjective thing and its legality is a bit of a grey area, probably...

As far as I know, age-play doesn't show any more propensity to be a pedo than the general population that doesn't look at manga/shota/loli/etc

I've seen this before in forums- someone (young!) has an age-difference fetish (for older!) and somehow your OCD will twist that around to make You the pedo. Even though you've not had a habit of imagining yourself as the older partner. But your anxiety will turn reality on its head. And the reality is that you imagined yourself the boy, not the adult. That is not thoughtcrime.

Snaga wrote:The shota being bad is a highly subjective thing and its legality is a bit of a grey area, probably...

As far as I know, age-play doesn't show any more propensity to be a pedo than the general population that doesn't look at manga/shota/loli/etc

I've seen this before in forums- someone (young!) has an age-difference fetish (for older!) and somehow your OCD will twist that around to make You the pedo. Even though you've not had a habit of imagining yourself as the older partner. But your anxiety will turn reality on its head. And the reality is that you imagined yourself the boy, not the adult. That is not thoughtcrime.

I guess you're right on that with it being highly subjective. but now I'm just mad with how easy it is for young children to find that stuff and being made like it's okay. Because I have seen other people like me on these forums talk about this. It infuriates and depresses me to know that there are other people like me going thru the same thing. all because of how easy it is for young teenagers to stumble upon it.

But don't take this as me excusing what Ive done. But thank you for what you've said. It does help to hear this from another person. I should be easier on myself.