Woman with HOCD

Hi there, *mod edit*
I’ve been suffering from HOCD since I was 17 and am now 27. I only just realised what it was last year and after I was diagnosed the amount of relief I felt was AMAZING!
I struggled for so many years with these strange thoughts that felt so alien to me and (cliche I know) but ‘not right’. I never ever had feelings for girls and I was your typical girly girl. I loved doing hair and makeup and all those sorts of things. I was very social in primary and high school and always fantasised about men and boys. I had various crushes as a child on Aaron and Nick Carter, Justin Timberlake, Leonardo DiCaprio, and David Beckham. From kindergarten I developed feelings for boys and liked them all the way through to high school. In high school I developed insecurity issues as I was skinny and flat chested and all I wanted was bigger breasts and a nice curvy frame. I would often look at my friends chests and be jealous that I didn’t have racks like theirs. My friends and I always used to pour over images of victoria secret models and would be depressed over how amazing their bodies were. Anyway one day i has this random thought “what if I’m a lesbian?” Ever since then my life spiralled out of control. I failed my main exams and didn’t get accepted in uni. I was terrified at the possibility of being a lesbian. I was dating a guy at the time that I saw myself marrying, but I ended it because I was constantly plagued by these thoughts and doubts. I remember reading a magazine once and I randomly just saw the words “gay gay gay gay gay” and I had to shake my head to get rid of it.
I suffered from frequent nightmares, where I would see lesbian images and they made me feel sick to my stomach.
Sorry for the long post, it just feels good to discuss with people who understand.
Anyway, I ended up meeting my boyfriend 3 years after and I developed strong feelings for him you know the whole butterflies in the stomach thing etc and we just started dating. It felt so right and amazing, but every now and again that small voice would take over and cause extreme doubt. I couldn’t work out what was happening to me because I did not at all ever fantasise about women.
Then I started thinking deranged $#%^ like incest stuff, and I was terrified to look at my own mothers chest in a t shirt. Fast forward a few years and my bf and I broke up and I was devastated. The thoughts went away because I was too busy wanting to get back together. While we were apart I knew I wanted him in my life and that I wanted to marry him. I enjoyed sex with a couple of other guys during that time and I also slept with my ex too and it was the best sex ever bc it was as if those thoughts had vanished into thin air. I was no longer trying to evaluate if I enjoyed it or not if if I was around or not.
We eventually got back together as we both decided we were still in love with one another.
Didn’t take long for the intrusions to begin again and for the doubts to set in. I felt so miserable and depressed my attendance at work suffered. I was suicidal and miserable because I did not know why I kept doubting myself. I even thought I had to break up with him because I felt like I was living a lie. Even though I knew I would be miserable and never date a woman. It was so bizarre.
To my astonishment after years of suffering I found an article titled HOCD after numerous google searches relating to sexuality. I would type things like “thinking you’re gay but you don’t feel gay”. You can’t imagine my relief when I found tonnes of articles on the topic. I finally felt that I had an answer for my suffering all these years.
From then on, my OCD just seemed to go. I had the best relationship with my boyfriend than I have ever had. Our sex became so much more amazing and enjoyable. I felt like my old self again. The nightmares stopped completely. I didn’t even think about it ever again for about 2 years. I was the happiest id ever been. My career prospered and everything just felt good again. Our bond was much stronger as I was no longer depressed or moody.
We then started talking about getting married and everything just felt right I couldn’t wait to begin our lives together. He took my ring shopping and I was like this excited little kid in a candy store. Nothing could go wrong.
But off course OCD doesn’t give you any notice before it takes over. Now I feel like I’m back at square one. I was triggered by reading an article about some woman who was married and became gay later. Then the old thoughts that I knew too well all came rushing back.
I’m in complete distress now and am considering telling him to delay the engagement because I’m going absolutely out of my mind. I’m too scared to be intimate with him for fear of constant checking.

Anyone have any stories they can share?? Having to spend my life with a woman makes me feel sick and I don’t ever get the urge to have sex with one. I just want the constant fear and doubts to leave me alone

Hello and welcome! I think it's better if you start your own thread; I've split your post into a new topic, rather than be just another post in an old thread.

Well I guess you know now that OCD never goes away; it just lays in wait. Without doing something to counter it, it's hard to know the dividing line between something that actually works to diminish it, and reassurance. For many, finding out about OCD provides some relief, now you have a label for it, something you can put your finger on, a rational explanation for the thoughts you've been having. But OCD is pretty stubborn... if not some new theme, then lay in wait a while then attack again. I have some OCD intrusive thoughts I've totally whupped. And others I have problems with still, even though I know they're irrational.

Folks will get a name for HOCD, feel better, then come back frightened all over again.

I've fretted over my sexuality too, but it's not quite the same- see, I know I'm bisexual. So my fears aren't quite the same, I worry about being gay, but I know I have desires that aren't doubted a bit.

For me, clearing things up in my head means thinking back in time- which you've done here. You hadn't given any indication of liking other girls.... it doesn't matter what your brain screams at you, all you can do is go by what you've liked in the past and what excited you, and what didn't excite you, before it became a fear. At least that's my thought on it. OCD is stubborn as hell- I think we have to be stubborn, too. I could come up with 100 reasons why you're not a lesbian, but your OCD can knock each one of those down- or get reassured then come back for more- reassurance is addictive for some people and can get to be a really unhealthy thing. OCD is irrational, as far as I can see, the only way I can win over it, is by shouting it down. I get harm OCD, and I have to maintain I'm not going to harm anyone, I have to maintain that I don't care about the possibility of hurting someone, I'll worry about it when I've actually got a dead body on my hands... I know sexuality isn't so cut and dried; but I'll worry about being gay, when girls don't interest me any longer. Not before.... since I'm Bi, it's really easy to obsess over the same-sex component of my sexuality and start to let OCD take over. But in my heart, I know better. I have my story, and I stick to it, no matter what my brain tries to tell me.


Don't know if any of this is any help, but there it is.... sexual OCD themes are super hard to shake it seems, I think because sexuality is such an ambiguous thing. Fantasy, sexual images, stray thoughts, can get pretty muddled up in a person. OCD seems to demand everything be Black/White.